‘Quickly list five things you’d like to change in your life. Now, write a post about a day in your life once all five have been crossed off your to-do list.’
Of late the majority of my posts have been about the dire stuff that has been happening in my life, hence I’ve been less and less inspired to write, so I thought ‘I know! I’ll shut up whinging about my shit (yes I do whinge, CD!) and do a “Daily Post” challenge to take my mind of it!’.
And here we are.
WTF, I’ll do it anyway.
My five things, sorry, five OF my things are:
1. Get out of this shitstorm, sell up and find somewhere affordable to live where I don’t keep waking up in a cold sweat (and no it’s not down to the menopause) in the dead of night waiting for the bailiffs/debt collectors to come get me.
2. Find a way to manage my illness with or without the help of professionals, as right now it’s looking like I’ll have to forgo my two years of schema therapy if I move out of this borough. And I can no longer afford to live here.
3. Find some gainful employment that I can tolerate/cope with, so that I don’t keep waking up, covered in sweat, in the blah, blah, blah….
4. Sort out my body, i.e. stop treating it like shite by comfort eating, staying in 24/7 and deliberately depriving it of exercise, and look after it as least as well as I do my car.
5. Find some way of forgiving, accepting and even loving myself so that I can love and be loveable to others and have/keep people in my life.
Pretty fundamental stuff eh? None of this ‘buy a pair of Louboutins’, ‘pull that hot guy at the gym’ or ‘have a closest clean out’ trivia pour moi. Such stuff does not even register on my radar right now. Survival is the name of the game.
And how might things look should I achieve the impossible?
Perhaps a little like this:
To clarify, I’m not physically injured and don’t have a ‘semi sadist’ boyfriend; I sometimes wish I did, as I’d be able to justifiably beat the crap out of him, which would be a great exercise in stress relief. ;-)
It’s just that I have no idea what a ‘normal life’ would look like for someone like me, so this is as good an illustration as any, and as cringe makingly embarrassing as it is, like Audrey, I do yearn to be away from the city and reside ‘somewhere that’s green’.
But I’m copping out here, because I’m scared to paint the picture. Because in my heart I daren’t believe it might come true.
But OK, challenges are challenges, so I’ll take a punt at it.
No picket fence, no shrink wrapped furniture (no plastic has been invented that my cats can’t annihilate) and no Howdy frigging Doody who/whatever that is.
But yes, I’m living in that ultimate cliche, a cottage near the sea.
I cook a darn sight better than Betty Crocker and now have a dining room so I can have friends around for BBQ’s, parties and big Sunday lunches.
I’m living closer to my friends. I’m close enough to my family that it’s not a five hour journey to get to them, but not so close that it makes either of us twitchy.
I’m walking distance (or I’ll settle for a short drive) away from the water/beach so I know I can go there and watch the waves when the mind monkeys are driving me ape shit.
I’m walking distance (OK, a short drive) from my part time job which is challenging but not too demanding, leaving me enough energy to pursue the kind of work I love, and yes I have a baking business on the side.
I have the energy to write and make even be embarking on a novel. At the very least I’m in a writing group and mixing with like minded folk.
I do yoga. I dance. I have a social life. That would be kind of wonderful.
And the biggest thing of all, NO ONE knows about my shit, and whilst I might never pass for normal (quirky/eccentric has been attributed to me in the past), I am accepted and embraced for who I am. There is no point of me moving to the sticks if the townsfolk know that there’s a (albeit innocent looking) little monster planted in their midst.
If I can have all of that I won’t even need a ‘Seymour'; not yet anyway. But I live in hope that one day I’ll know what it’s like to be held by a man again, cherished and maybe even enjoy walks on the beach with a strong silent soul.
Control freak dentists of the Shires should, however, watch where they put their implements ‘cos I’m nothing like as sweet as Audrey.
I’m much more of an Audrey 2 really.
With much bigger teeth. :-)
If I ever achieve all of these things on this list, you’ll be the first to know. just don’t hold your breath, OK?