MISSION IMPOSSIBLE

The Fear is biting hard tonight.

It’s May and I’m huddled up by a blazing fire and still trying to get warm.

I hug myself and curl up in foetal position, but it’s of no comfort to me.

I’m on max meds since yesterday but I really want a big glass of wine to file down those still sharp edges and render myself insensible and floppy.

All I can think is that I’m going to get it wrong.

I’m not going to escape.

I’m not going to succeed.

How can I ever make a life for myself?

I’ve been off work for nearly a year now and have made no real moves towards finding a way of making money and carving a new life for myself.

How can I see anyone from my old life?

What can I tell them? That I’ve spent the last year eating, drinking, shitting and sleeping, just trying to stay sane?

I set myself baby plans, little targets, easy projects, but I can’t even make myself do them; be in doing my yoga, making a face cream, researching a market stall, or making a skirt, I’m paralysed by fear and can’t bring myself to move forward.  Anything that represents progress seems to stop me dead in my tracks.

I’m trying so hard, but sometimes I think if I completely stopped trying, every little bit of progress that I’ve got in place to date would all slip quietly away and I’d be back where I was.

If I don’t call, no one will call.

If I don’t stay in contact, no one will contact me.

If I just stay here, no one will come and try and coax me out.

It’s a blessing and a curse because I don’t want to go out and I’m mercifully being left alone right now.

I don’t want anyone seeing me like this.

But what if I never go out again? Will anyone even notice?

I’m very good at extricating myself from other people’s worlds, because I’m not imperative to them.  They don’t think ‘We must do this with Sista’ or ‘Where is Sista’ or ‘I’ll just drop around to see Sista.’

It seems to me that if I don’t make the effort, I never see anyone.  And I’m tired of being the one who has to do all the leg work.

But I made it this way.

The ‘Catch 22’ of the depressive loner.

I’ve created this situation, this world, this existence where I only have myself to rely on for survival.

And God won’t let me escape because if I ask to pull out on the grounds of insanity, that means I’m sane and fit for service.

So either way I have to fulfil my mission.

Let’s just hope I don’t go Kamikaze.

Do I have to do it all by myself?

I just want to feel safe, just for once in my life.

I don’t remember ever accepting this mission God!

I never wanted to come here!

DO YOU HEAR ME?

PEOPLE, HELP THE PEOPLE

In a world where religion divides and acts of terror are far too common occurrences, three women stood up to machete wielding killers on the streets of Greenwich London yesterday to try and help and comfort a dying man.

The man had been spotted and identified as a soldier by his ‘Help the Heroes’ t-shirt and army issue backpack by these two hateful individuals, who hit him with their car, then dragged him off, propped him up against a wall and hacked him to death.  They even tried to decapitate him.

And whilst cowardly, masked, far right extremists donned balaclavas and gleefully took the opportunity to use this tragedy to riot, stir up hatred, and attack mosques and muslims, religious groups sent out messages of peace and condolence, condemning the acts as appalling, heinous and not representative of them or their God.

People take heart; even in the midst of these horrific crimes, people come together, show immense courage, publicly condemn these actions and even put themselves in danger in order to help and comfort the stricken and stand up to what they believe in.

Why is it so hard for these people to realise that their actions are entirely Godless whatever their religion?

Hatred = Absence of God

Love = God is present

And didn’t these butchering fools realise that Allah/God wasn’t praising their actions, but instead was regarding with love the lady who stood tall and confronted them, telling them ‘You will not win’ and laying his/her hands on the woman sitting in the pool of blood laying on hands and praying over the corpse of a murdered boy?

Women of Greenwich, thank you for showing us the way.

And those of you with anger and vengeance in your hearts, think on; if you act in hatred, you drive your God from your side.  It really is that simple.

Peace and love to all x

http://www.guardian.co.uk/uk/2013/may/22/woolwich-attack-horror-soldier

AWFULLY VERSATILE….

Today isn’t the best of days.

It’s one of those days where my greatest ambition for myself is to get my fucking feet warm, hunker down and to somehow escape the world, and all of it’s inhabitants.

I don’t think it’s about being rebuffed by my estranged friend http://sistasertraline.wordpress.com/2013/05/22/green-is-the-branch-black-is-the-heart/; I’d have been most surprised had she climbed off her high horse and had a real, honest heart to heart with me.  The silent treatment is what I expected and essentially it’s what I got, but at least I can close this chapter knowing that I did my best to fix things.

I’m not great at swallowing my pride, but I did it and I’ll do it again

Soon.

Good things that happened today?  Nothing much so far (haven’t dropped the kettle whilst making tea?!), but the other day I got this Versatile Blogger award from PourMeAMilk which was a lovely surprise as he’s only just started following me, so I’m flattered to say the least.  Check out his blog, muchos funny, also touching, plus he introduced me to some skeleton in a suit that chucks beads at people….

Seven random facts about moi:

1. Sometimes I just don’t want to be here.  Not in a ‘goodbye cruel world’ kinda way, more of a ‘I’ve had enough of being in this kitchen at this endlessly tedious party and if I just sneak out the back door with this six pack of Stella, hopefully no one will notice’ kind of way.  I’ve yet to make it all the way down the corridor though, without some drunken bastard dragging me back….

2. The second and third toes on both of my feet are slightly webbed. Cue ‘Duelling Banjoes’ :-s

3. Jeremy Paxman once nearly fell off his bike trying to look up my skirt when the wind blew it up around my neck whilst I was walking through town.

4. I’ve sometimes put my life at risk when threatened because my stupid pride won’t let me show fear or back down.

5. I have many regrets for letting fear rule my life, and still need to conquer this.

6.  I haven’t had sex for two years.

7.  I’m afraid of going back out into the big wide world.

I suppose I am waffly, sorry, awfully versatile though, but hey, this comes with the territory when you ping pong back and forth from mood to mood on an almost hourly basis, so I think the one thing that I can promise you as that there isn’t and probably never will be anything that even resembles consistency on here!

My nominees?

This is where I break the rules ‘cos I’m nominating all of you!

Not because I am lazy <looks innocent> but because I wouldn’t be following you if I didn’t lurve your work and I want to say think you for being there, entertaining, amusing and inspiring me every day.

Seriously being on here has literally saved a small percentage of my sanity and I can’t imagine ever stopping.

So…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0YAcoDkj_dI

Big love x

P.S. The next clip is for old Brits who want to be driven mad by old ad jingles – enjoy (if that’s the right word)….

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Je3UGI1jMP8

GREEN IS THE BRANCH, BLACK IS THE HEART

Green is the branch that I offered you

In hope we could start our friendship anew

But this offer seems over before it can start

As green is the branch, but black is the heart

 

The past has been bitter

Some fault has been mine

But I’m washing away all that poisonous brine

But you seem to linger, all pitted and tart

How green was my scheme, but black stays your heart

 

I still care for you

I want you to know

And wish we could plant this and help it to grow

But your inner feelings you will not impart

So green I have been, to expect a new start

 

Silence is golden

But not in this case

As stewing in your juices, it will not erase

The problems that led to us needing to part

So please take this branch and open your heart

 

But even the greenest of branches will wilt

And if a new friendship just cannot be built

Please know that I grow, and I plan and I chart

As greener and cleaner and strong is my heart

 

You still have some time

To think all this through

But I think that I know your mind better than you

So I bid you goodbye, even though it does smart

How green was my branch, but black is your heart

HERE! HARE HERE

Today I discovered that a lady who I have just started following, succumbed to her illness and died of cancer yesterday leaving behind a devastated husband, family and friends.

Puts everything in perspective doesn’t it?

It’s so easy to get dragged down by the challenges, politics, bean counters and wankers in this life, and whilst I believe you should always hold your ground and fight when necessary, if you get too embroiled or take it too seriously, the beauty and joy in life will pass by without you even seeing it.

I say you.  I mean you and me.

Especially me.

So whilst it’s all too easy for all of us to get bogged down with the negative (especially those of us ‘mentally/emotionally challenged’ folk) , I am going to try and find, acknowledge and make note of all the positive things about my day from now on.

I know without a doubt that there will be days when all is shit and the only positive thing will be the dark warm sanctuary under my duvet, but I am, at least going to try.

Positives from this weekend?

• Beating my brother at scrabble
• Making and enjoying a sensational rhubarb and ginger crumble
• Getting dragged around the ballroom dance floor by some super fit old boy old enough to be my grandpa
• Watching ‘Witnnail and I’ with a friend who has not seen it before (I love Withnail virgins!)

The latter of these inspired me to find and post the image of our nimble little friend here.

Here’s hoping you get to leap with ‘joie de verve’ this week, and enjoy the wind in your hair, the sun on your back and all the possibilities that lie ahead for you.

Emma Louise, may you leap high and fly to the arms of the ones you love.

God speed, and see you in the next life x

STARTER FOR TEN

For once, I’ve been a bit reluctant to write a blog post this weekend, as I was feeling a bit disappointed in myself, because, the other day, momentarily, the old Sista came back with a vengeance.

Since I started this blog, I’ve tried very hard to tamp down my anger and aggression and be a bit more tolerant, peaceful and serene, so I have tried hard to avoid fighting with anyone, but was forced into a position where I had to hit back hard, and whilst I kept the interaction civil and professional for the most part and didn’t lose my temper, right at the very end, I kind of did.

Actually that’s a lie; something in me does like a fight, and I enjoyed having this bitch on the ropes as she is a cheating, money grabbing, self serving old shrew.

I live in a flat and we have new managing agents headed up by this woman and her cronies, who essentially promised to be cheaper, more transparent, and more honest than the previous shower.  Anyway we all bought into it, have had our first bi-annual bill, and guess what, it’s gone up again, and a few more charges/fees have been added to boot.

For some reason, the rest of the residents are either totally bought into this lot and their propaganda or are scared of them, so of course it had to be me who tackled them.

Given that I’ve had some serious battles with them in the past, and those who heard about them probably think I’m a nutter(!!), I engaged in polite enquiry via email in order to get them to justify these figures. They responded first with evasive, non answers, then defensive re-joiners, culminating in downright aggression, so I pretty much knew that my suspicions were justified.  So I copied in all the residents so that they could see what was going on, and politely but relentlessly wore them down until the truth was exposed.

It was then that they realised that they were coming off worse and that they couldn’t dismiss me as an unhinged hysteric this time. So one particularly officious, pompous, twatty little dweeb kept winding me up and accusing me of being aggressive and a trouble causer, so I snapped and essentially challenged him to meet with me face to face so that he could tell me what his problem was with me without being able to hide behind a keyboard like a coward.

Silence.

First I thought I’d scared him.

Then I realised I’d played into their hands, that I now looked like an aggressor and felt like a total loser.

The thing is though, the rest of the residents are like frightened sheep, and if people like me didn’t voice what everyone else is thinking, where would we be in all this?  Why should these arseholes think that they could just make up charges and take money out of my pocket?

It was then that I realised that at least I’d done some good by exposing these bastards, and this tough, tenacious, feisty old bitch is as much a part of me as the serene, spiritual yogi, and that I should respect and honour her duly as she’s saved my bacon a number of times.

Whilst I do recognise that being a female Paxo isn’t always appropriate or necessary, sometimes people are just asking for a good, hard stuffing.

Another thing I also realised is that I could put my inner Jeremy to good use and potentially help people who don’t have my steel or mettle, simultaneously giving him/her something meaty to chew on in the bargain that would kill two birds with one stone.

But what?

Time to investigate….

In the meantime, a message to any slimeballs out there; you’d better get your house in order, ‘cos sometime soon in the near future I might have to give you a ‘starter for ten’ – and you’d so better be prepared to givd me the right answer!