Phoenix Fights

"The only thing we have to fear is fear it'self – nameless, unreasoning, unjustified, terror which paralyzes needed efforts to convert retreat into advance." Franklin D. Roosevelt. Fighting the FEAR, depression and BDP on a daily basis AND making my own bread. Bring it on 2014….

DID YOU MISS ME?

12 Comments

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I did my age old trick today,and bailed on meeting up with someone.

And I think he’s pissed off with me.

We had planned to go to a market about 15 miles away and I had suggest going early, but he wanted to play it by ear as it’s Sunday and he wanted a lie in.  So, by the time we arranged a time, and I got on the road, the traffic was hellish.

Presumably down to Christmas shoppers.

Fuck people, it’s mid November!  What’s the rush?

So I’m sitting there, getting rather irate as I go into the old ‘first, second, horn’ routine as Homer Simpson would say, and the ‘let’s cancel’ dialogue starts to play out in my head.

Well I say dialogue, but it’s more of me justifying it and the other me agreeing, so it’s not exactly a debate.

It’s that ‘bad parent’ colluding with the ‘child’, as Aunty C would say.

It’s goes something like this:

Child me:   Look I’ve been sat in this traffic for half an hour and was meant to be there by now, it’s going to take me at least another hour, I’ll only be at the market for a couple of hours, then back on the road to face this hell again!

BP me:      You’re right, it’s a total waste of time!

Child me:   And the amount of petrol I’m spunking away!  I’m not working y’know and can’t afford to waste money like this.

BP me:      That’s a very responsible attitude.

Child me:   David won’t mind, Anna is with him; they won’t miss me, and I would have felt like a bit of a gooseberry anyway.

BP me:      And imagine if you couldn’t get a parking space? They might all be gone by now, it is nearly afternoon.

Child me:   I know!  This is all David’s fault, so he can’t blame me for not coming!

BP me:      Also, your old boss doesn’t live that far from there imagine if you bumped into him!

Child me:   I’d sooner not thanks.  Do you think he will mind?

BP me:      I doubt it, but give him a call and see what he says.

So I do.  And of course he says don’t worry about it, the market isn’t all that and he’s fine with me turning around and heading for home.

Which I do.

But by the time I get back an hour later and make a cup of tea, I feel like a right lemon because I’m sat there thinking ‘What am I going to do with the rest of my day?’

As if I’d stayed in the car and toughed it out, I would have been there by now, wandering around with Dave and Anna, having fun and a bit of banter, scoffing street food and probably finding a few bargains there to boot.

I drop Dave a text asking him if they’re having fun and I’m met with stony silence.

He might not have got it.

He might be busy.

He might not have a signal.

But I don’t think that’s the case.

I’m puzzled. Why would he care? It’s not like I’ve left him on his own like Billy-no-mates, he has his girlfriend to wander around with so I haven’t sent him there alone on a fool’s errand then stood him up?

Then the penny dropped that maybe it’s not that simple.

Sometimes couples get bored with one another or they have a spat, and seeing an ‘outsider’ can break that divide and bring them back together.

I hadn’t seen Anna for ages and maybe she was looking forward to catching up with me.

Maybe my view of myself, i.e. a sad old tag along to their perfectly united two isn’t quite how they see things?

Maybe they, shock horror, actually enjoy my company?

Plus, the biggest realisation of all is that when I do this I make myself dispensable because in the end, people don’t expect me to turn up, miss me when I don’t, or think to invite me to anything again.

Or if it does occur to them, they dismiss it because they think I will cancel yet again.

And I wonder why I end up lonely, when the reason is that I do this all the time, i.e. if the person i am meant to be meeting is not alone, I think it’s OK to bail.

And now I’m sat on the sofa bored, wondering whether I can face another 9 hours in front of the TV alone.

I get it now.

I know this is down to my illness and that when I’m having a bad spell, everything is an anti climax and that’s what makes me have such a ‘can’t be bothered’ attitude.  But on the rare times that I have forced myself turn up against my will, I’ve usually surprised myself and had a good time after all.

Lesson learned.

I forgive myself.

But I’m going to try really hard not to do this again.

Then, they’ll miss me when I genuinely can’t make it.  And hopefully, keep inviting me to stuff.

Namaste x

12 thoughts on “DID YOU MISS ME?

  1. I know what you mean about your illness making you feel you can’t be arsed and all that. Sometimes, though, you just have to put your illness away in your handbag (dare I say, next to your balls) and suck it up and go anyway. I do agree, though, that you had fair excuse to pike out. I mean, sitting in bloody traffic for over an hour is not fun in anyone’s book, and as for parking, that is even more of a nightmare than the actual traffic in the first place. I have been known to throw in the towel and go home after a long journey simply because a wretched parking space eludes me. Maybe next time you could suggest an earlier meeting time (your friend can suck it up and miss out on a sleep-in), or a closer venue for a catch up. That way it is easier for you to stick to your word and go, and once there, I am certain you would actually enjoy yourself more than if you stayed home. And, believe it or not, people do actually enjoy your company! Why do you think they want to catch up with you in the first place? xo

  2. I can totally relate to this. And of 99% of the times I thought about bailing but didn’t, I ended up having one fantastic time. Once again, thank you for your truth!

  3. Oh, im making those excuses all the time!

  4. This is good insight on your part, maybe it’s something to share with the friend and plan for another play date. (hugs)

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