Phoenix Fights

Fighting the FEAR, depression and BDP on a daily basis AND making my own bread. Bring it on 2016….

PHOENIX ‘FLIGHT’ UPDATE – JAN 2013

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Do you ever make well researched, exciting, extensively thought out New Years resolutions, tell everyone about them, write them down in a lovely new note book and then never refer to them again?

Yup, me too.  So I’ve decided to be a responsible old Phoenix and do a series of end of month reviews on my Flight Plan, just so I stay on track.

Right <deep breath>; let’s see the lay of the land:

GO OUTSIDE EVERY DAY

(Update – Bad weather affecting flight times)

Hmm, haven’t quite cracked this one, and the recent snow and storms only served to make me huddle closer to the fire, but I’m getting better at it?  I went out yesterday, and am planning on going out today, tomorrow and Sunday, which will be a 2013 (and probably a 2012) record?  But I have to admit, there are still days where I disappear under the duvet and wish the world away.

Oh well, we shall overcome…..

BE UP/DRESSED/PRESENTABLE BY 9 A.M. EVERY DAY

(Update – Apologies for the delay but take off now imminent)

OK, there are still days when I am beyond this, and there are days where I don’t always make the 9 am deadline, and it’s a rare day indeed that I bother with make up, but I am scaring the postman a whole lot less these days and that has to be a good thing (for both of us).

WATCH LESS TV  

(Update – Ice on runway, take off delayed until further notice)

This is still a toughie; watching TV is the first point of call for anyone who wants to escape’ the reality of their day to day worries and woes, and is especially effective at drowning out the negative hissing and droning of ones demons, that said I know it’s energy sapping and a waste of life so I need to concentrate on making my own stories rather than watching and listening to someone else’s.

I especially need to address my addiction to Real Housewives of Beverly Hills <hangs head in shame>.

TURN UP/STOP CANCELLING ARRANGEMENTS

(Update – Would passenger Sertraline please report to Gate 15!)

There isn’t a lot of good news on this one L  I still bail on arrangements very frequently, but it’s usually for things where I’m ‘going solo’ and I try very hard not to let friends down, so that’s something at least.

I don’t know why, but I do; it’s the Fear.  Of what?  Of whatever bad that could/would/might/will happen to me if I was to turn up.  I know it’s not rational, but then again, neither am I.

Must do better.

FRIENDS

(Update – Flight cancelled due to volcanic ash, watch the board for further details) 

OK.  This has both positive and negative elements.

On the plus side I have some very loyal friends who have stuck by me through thick and thin, and I am very blessed in that regard.

I also made lovely new friends that I met in late 2012 and have managed to keep them, which is great. They seem to get me and I don’t feel uncomfortable or judged around them, so that’s a result.

On the negative side, I fell out spectacularly with a close friend mid 2012 and I’m pretty sure that it’s going nowhere now, let alone soaring into the sky. The lowdown is, she, OK, I feel (just in case Aunty C is reading) that she let me down badly at party when I was at my most vulnerable.  In the aftermath we avoided one another, we eventually both met and had our say (she denied it so we agreed to disagree), I was willing to move forward, and after initially saying that she was too, she clearly wasn’t so I left her to it.  I sent her a Christmas card but I’ve heard nothing from her since.

I make no bones about the fact that we depressives aren’t always the easiest people to be friends with, but when someone knows what you have been through, your innermost secrets and fears and how truly vulnerable you really are, you do not expect them to snub you in a public place at your first post hibernation event where you hardly know anyone.

I truly loved this person and probably love her still, but I don’t trust her, so I honestly don’t know how we can pull this back.  It’s sad, and to date, I haven’t totally closed the door, but maybe I just need to let it go.

So, good news and bad.  Hope to up my numbers in February.

LOOK AFTER MYSELF

(Update – Flight delayed due to unforeseen circumstances)

Patchy to say the least.

Sleep isn’t great, my diet has been rubbish and until yesterday, I all but abandoned my yoga.  As for playtime, well…..

Why?  I don’t know.  Maybe I feel I don’t deserve to be happy, but I’m trying…honest….

DANCE

(Updates – Passengers for Flight 109, please go to Gate 3)

January was a wash out, but, good news, I start ballroom classes on Sunday!  Watch the board for more information as it comes in.

DRINKING AT HOME

(Update – Passenger Sertraline has been escorted from Flight 106 by security for alcohol related, inappropriate behaviour)

OK, that makes me sound like a total lush, which I am not. Really.  I am actually a pathetic lightweight who gets pissed after sniffing a wine gum, but sometimes I just have to have a couple of glasses of wine before bedtime just to make me sleep.  This then mixes nicely with my meds and HRT, and I have very weird dreams, but at least I get some shuteye?

Yes OK, I need help.

Radical action is needed, and will be implemented….

WORK

(Update – Could passengers please vacate the plane and return to the terminal….)

Please see yesterdays post for more info.

My new strategy is to apply for any job that takes my fancy regardless of whether I am qualified/suitable for it or not, whilst investigating coming up with my own business plan.

Wish me luck; I’m going to need it….

NEW HOME

(Update – flight on hold until further notice)

Need to get a job first?  Or do I?  Hmm, this needs thinking through more thoroughly….

DATING/UNDERWEAR/SEX

(Update – Security alert, security alert!)

This subject deserves its own entry, but suffice to say, no progress whatsoever to date.

LIKE WHAT I SEE IN THE MIRROR

(Update – Due to fog all flight have been cancelled until further notice)

I don’t.  Period.

FORGIVE

(Update – Fog clearing, please see board for regular updates)

I’m getting better at this.  It still takes time, but I’m on my way.

So, some small triumphs, some non-starters and some downright dangerous conditions.

Stay tuned!  This is Passenger Sertraline signing off for Phoenix News at Heathrow Airport.

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