Phoenix Fights

Fighting the FEAR, depression and BDP on a daily basis AND making my own bread. Bring it on 2016….

NOT GOING OUT

2 Comments

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I have to go out

There are people to meet

Appointments to keep

But it’s too big a leap

 

I want to go out

For conversation and food

But I’d much sooner brood

Though I know I’m being rude

 

I need to go out

And face all my fears

Bite back burning tears

And forget all those years

 

When I felt so maligned

That the world was unkind

And the ties that did bind

Kept me sad, tethered, blind

 

But the fear it is strong

It says ‘Hey just hold on!

It’s not time to move on

It’s at home we belong’

 

But I have to go out

And break this mad spell

If I want to get well

And escape this lone hell

 

So I am going out

Before it gets dark

I’ll put on my parka

And stroll in the park

 

But first I must clean

And tidy and wipe

And pick up my emails

And get on my Skype

 

And here is a cupboard

That needs a good cleaning

There’s fluff on the carpet

And webs on the ceiling

 

There’s bread to bake

And jam to make

And I know these excuses

Are seeming quite fake

 

But I must keep busy

Block my inner Tourettes

It’s making me dizzy

With its names, warnings, threats

 

It’s enough that I have

This battle inside

Must I really go brave

A world that’s so wide?

 

It’s a beautiful day

But I’m filled with a dread

I fear my destruction

Damn that voice in my head

 

Perhaps I will lie down

Perhaps I should sleep

And look for a world

Without terror and grief

 ………

I have to go out

For the sake of my pride

But it’s now dark outside

So it’s here I’ll abide

 

Maybe tomorrow

I’ll get out the door

Maybe tomorrow

But I’ve said that before……

 

 

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2 thoughts on “NOT GOING OUT

  1. I can relate, to a point, here.
    I’m sorry this is a daily struggle (an extremely serious one, at that).
    May you be guided, friend. May your anxiety be replaced with calm and appreciation for the outside world.
    May your fears be replace with contentment and joy, while feeling blessed to be part of this extraordinary life we have to live…to our fullest. That is OUR responsability we have to ourselves.
    (((Hugs)))

  2. Thank you lovely.

    I’m better than I was, but sometimes it’s very hard to motivate myself to do anything.

    We shall overcome!

    Big love

    Xx

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