We in the UK are apparently in the midst of what is being dubbed as a ‘Siberian Spring’ and have at least a week of snow ahead of us.
Outside the snowflakes that are swirling in the wind are tiny, but they seem persistent and set in for the day, so I estimate that by tomorrow morning, we should be looking out at a blanket of snow on the ground.
There is even talk of a white Easter and everyone is up in arms, bemoaning Britain and it’s shitty, unpredictable weather.
This to me is perfect writing weather. It’s snug in here; the fire is crackling, the radio is chattering away merrily, cats are dozing on cushions, and there are two ripe bananas in the fruit bowl which have Banana Bread written all over them.
Whilst my fellow Londoners are hanging out for a bit of warmth and sunshine, I say, Let It Snow, Let It Show, Let It Snow!
Ironically I hate being cold, but if you dress correctly and have a warm home to come back to, the most you will suffer is a chilled face and ice cold nose, and the blast of warm air when you open your front door is delightfully welcoming. Unless you are a bit of parsimonious with your heating of course, in which case I wouldn’t visit you anyway ;-).
If I could be the White Witch of West Dulwich, I would make it so the snow would fall, lay (instead of staying for 24 hours then melting) and set in for a good month without turning to slush so that we could enjoy it properly instead of having to trudge around in wet, grey sleet once a month or so, because despite all of the moaning, people are usually bright and cheerful when out in the White Stuff. They even smile and say ‘Hi!’ in here London, can you imagine?! They don’t even do that in the Summer, so that says a lot I think. Kids and dogs love playing in it, and Dads love taking them out sledging and late at night, when everyone is in bed, even the roughest neighbourhood looks like something from a fairy story.
And of course it’s the perfect excuse to make love infused, heartwarming comfort food like casseroles, pies and puddings that stick to the ribs and fill a kitchen with warmth and good smells and a body with an even warmer heart.
Unlike Jadis the White Witch of Narnia, I would of course allow and revel in Christmas. There wouldn’t be police brutality because all of the human animals (a lot of ’em around these parts) would have to behave themselves and get along. There would be turkish delight for whoever wants it (Belgium chocolate enrobed naturally) and I would wish, welcome and long for the arrival of Aslan like everyone else.
There are, however, a couple of eensie weensie things I’d like to retain from the original Snow Queen. Her looks for a start; perhaps also her height and her outfits are a-maz-ing! That chariot also would be essential for snowy weather, and to have wolves as servants would be kind of cool?
Finally, the power to turn certain people to stone would be essential, how else could I protect my people? 😉
Then after at least a month (actually make it two), I would allow Spring to return, bid farewell to my subjects and go hide somewhere lest my pallid skin burn in the sunshine. It would get far too hot for my wolves anyway.
Back in the boring real world, I have no magic, this is still London, and I’d better get my pale, skinny white ass moving and get on with my aims and resolutions before the entire year is lost in a daydream.
In the meantime, Aslan, if you are listening and there is a job for a new White Witch going in Narnia, I’m strong, can be appear imperious, have survived several wars to date and am fair, just, kind and compassionate so would be perfect for the role. And it goes without saying, I love animals!
I’ve just updated my CV, so if you can let me have your address (or send an eagle or something) I’ll have it ready for your perusal.
And if none of this impresses you, let’s face it, I couldn’t be as bad as the last one could I?