Today, in the UK, it is Budget Day.
There are invariably winners and losers when it comes to the Chancellors master plan for the coming financial year, but given our current economic state, it’s unlikely to be good news for anyone. So, in recognition of this day and of my own non earning situation, I thought I’d pass on some money saving tips so that you save your valuable wonga and spend it on something more worthwhile. Like vintage handbags :-).
My usual modus operandi is to invest in a quality items rather than loads of cheap stuff, but some of the things people pay top dollar for puzzle me. I just don’t get it.
Here are some tips that are guaranteed to save you a fortune if you willing to bite the bullet and wean yourself off those lovely, familiar TV advertised brands and pointless products, and start buying the cheapest possible items available.
(STOP PRESS – this was going to be one blog entry but it appears that I have rather a lot to say for myself, so this is now Article One.)
DON’T BUY BRANDED BASICS
Toilet paper – People, you use it to wipe your arse with. You. Wipe. Your. Arse. With. It. Personally I don’t linger during these transactions so wouldn’t notice if I was using cashmere, let alone Velvet. I just swipe, flush and get outta Dodge, so why spend a fortune on bum fodder just because it has a cuddly name, pastel branding and a picture of a fucking panda/puppy/koala on the packaging?
When was the last time one of your guests stood in the bathroom, fingering your roll sighing ‘Mmmm, quilted!’? Never, I would guess. You are literally flushing money down the toilet.
Tissues – Again you snot into it, blot your lipstick or have it by your bedside for these inpromptu, erm ‘sticky’ moments.
Snot, spunk and lippy. See what I mean?
As for those ‘lotion infused’ and ‘anti viral’ variants, do me a favour. If you have man flu and blow your nose 500 times, and even if you hired an angel to dab your mucous away with an ostrich feather, you would still have a scaly nose by the end of the day. And what is the point of anti viral tissues when you clearly already have a virus? Total waste of money.
I do however recommend having moist toilet tissue in your home. Not so women can ‘freshen up at that time of the month’. More on that later.
No, because some people don’t wipe their arse properly (men) and you may be the one that has to wash their skiddy kecks. Some things are worth the extra expense ladies….
Kitchen roll – Think back to the last time you were wiping up tea/ketchup/baby food/gin off your counters. Was anyone around to smile approvingly and admire you using the expensive quilted stuff, or to ask ‘Have You Got Plenty Wet Yet?’ Saucy innuendo is all very well Juan Sheet, but I ain’t gonna pay that extra couple of quid to finance your oh so funny ad. Adios amigo.
Cream cleaner – Buy the cheapest. You don’t need the ‘lemony fresh’ stuff. It doesn’t smell of lemons. It isn’t even on nodding acquaintance with a lemon. it’s just yellow. Save your dosh my darlings, save your dosh.
Bleach – Bleach is bleach, is bleach. Innit? Ain’t nothing nice about bleach, so why would I bother paying more for the lemon meringue pie variant?! Who notices? Who gives a fuck? It’s bleach!
DON’T BUY POINTLESS CRAP
Toilet blocks – Does that expensive purple thing that you hang on the side of the loo actually do anything? Well it adds a bit of foam everytime you flush (not even purple foam!), but to my mind it does not justify its price point, especially if you bleach/clean your loo every day. Put that hard earned money towards some Haagen Dazs – look it’s on special offer this week!
Air Freshener – My own personal pet hate. I loathe air freshener.
Want to make a fart smell worse? Add a blast of ‘warm cinnamon’ air freshener. Now the room smells of sweet, farty Christmas sprouty meat cake <retch>. Crack open a window already!
Don’t even get me started on those taxi drivers with their Xmas Tree air fresheners. They see it as a licence to blast away merrily for 8-10 hours until it’s time to go home and inflict their charming presence on their long suffering spouses, because they have a magic Christmas tree that eats up all the stink so no one will ever know! Right?!
Or they assume they can go ahead regardless because you will be too polite to point it out or complain, and just endure it in pained silence.
Not so me. I once took one guy to task when he starting fluffing ‘em out ten minutes into our 90 minute journey to the airport.
‘Stop that’, I said curtly, cracking open a window.
‘Sorry madam?’ says he, innocently.
‘Stop. farting. I’m not kidding.’
‘I beg your pardon madam, I….’
‘Stop it. You stink!’
‘Madam, you must be mistaken. There is a problem with my engine at the moment and that is probably what…’
‘Did you engine have curry for lunch today? Or was it chilli? Hold. It. In. My hair is curling, and if you think I’m going to sit here in silence, and pay for the privilege to inhale your guff, you’re seriously deluded!’
He just kept denying it as he clearly couldn’t stop, and kept fluffing them out all the way to Terminal 5, and after a very tense, warm, revolting journey, I rang his office and complained. A few days later I got a very apologetic telephone call from his manager (whom I could tell was trying very hard not to crack up laughing) and 50% off my fare.
That said I would have preferred a pleasant journey or failing that, 30 minutes in an empty room for me, the driver and a cattle prod (the business end I would have introduced to the bastard’s bum hole) by way of compensation. Christmas tree air fresheners! It would have taken one the size of the festive Trafalgar Square spruce to stifle that stink.
As for that device that sprays something sweet, cloying and disgusting at you when you walk by or go in a public toilet? ? Fuck off! It isn’t me that stinks of cheap perfume. It’s you!
If you must add something to the air, light a match, use lemon juice and water, or worse case scenario, something organic/natural, at least then you won’t give someone a fatal asthma attack or make them smell like a drag queen’s handbag.
Potpourri – Don’t even get me started on this one. If you have to plunge your face in it in order to guess what it’s supposed to smell like, don’t buy it. Same goes for scented candles unless you can afford the really expensive ones. Next!
Feminine Razors – This makes me very angry. Don’t be conned into buying the loverly girly razor kit that the gorgeous model uses in the TV ads. That pink plastic comes at signficant cost, more expensive than black plastic doncha know. Anyway, she uses her boyfriends/husbands, just like the rest of us. They nick our moisturiser, so fair’s fair.
Follow suit or buy your own blokey kit. If it’s good enough for their face, it ain’t gonna hurt your pits.
Teeth Whitening Toothpaste – Doesn’t work. Not so’s you’d notice anyway. Save your money and put it towards a bleaching session at the dentists.
Feminine Freshening Products – What kind of fuckery is this? Girls you don’t need this stuff if you wash! Misogynistic crap preying on the insecurity of women, grrrr….
Oh dear, I appear to have gotten rather angry….
OK, I need to take a break here, more hints and tips to follow in the coming days. In the meantime, keep your hand on your twopence and Don’t Believe The Hype!