Phoenix Fights

Fighting the FEAR, depression and BDP on a daily basis AND making my own bread. Bring it on 2016….

‘MANCHILD’ A.K.A. THE ART OF INTERNET DATING

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As I mentioned in various posts, I have recently grasped the nettle so to speak, and rejoined a dating site for a month.

I know a month isn’t that long and a mite ambitious if my aim is to find true lurve, but this is how I do it, because to be honest, by the end of that 28/30/31 days, I’ve usually had enough.

Here are only a few of my ‘Matches’.

JD is clearly minted and makes no bones about the fact that he does not have to work too hard for a living.  JD ‘can’t abide the thought of being with a gold digger’ but states that he holidays 5-6 times a year, dines at the most exclusive restaurants, and is looking for a woman ‘who loves fine dining, being spoiled, lots of travel to foreign parts on the arm of a handsome man, watching the sun go down on a tropical beach and looks good in a bikini.  Ahem.

JD ‘likes’ me and whilst I won’t be returning that ‘like’, I appreciate his interest and would therefore like to offer him some advice:

‘JD if you don’t want the sharks to circle, take your big, fat, wiggly worm out of the water.’

Then there is AlexG who urges ladies on the site not to lie about their age or appearance because ‘what would be the point of that?’.  Alex describes his build as ‘fit’ and ‘muscular’ but from what I can see of his head shot, he has more chins than you’d see at a Bruce Forsythe lookalike convention, so I can only surmise that he is being a teensy weensy bit economical with the truth about his own, hmmm Alex?

Jaffar likes ‘good looking people’ but that doesn’t mean that he is superficial.  Oh no.  The person who will win his heart doesn’t have to be beautiful.  In an effort to guide us with regard to our acceptability, he very helpfully cites Sophia Loren and Cate Blanchett as examples of women who aren’t classically pultritudinous but are both unique and very attractive so would be deemed acceptable as a contender to the Mrs Jaffar throne.

Jaffar incidentally resembles a small startled woodland animal (probably a stoat) and in one of his photographs, where he is sat on the bonnet of a large, red, mid life crisis car, his shorts have ridden wedgie like up his bum causing some unseemly constriction around his crotch, and his legs are dangling like a child’s because they are too short to reach the ground.  Sassy!

ArtLvr2 quotes Jean-Paul Sartre, Malcolm X and Steve Jobs all in one paragraph, his writing style is so florid and pretentious he makes Brian Sewell sound like Joey Essex, and pretty much comes across as complete and utter twat.  He may not be a twat, he may think he needs to sound like a twat to get female attention, but as a life long piss taker, he’d be human cat nip to me and it could only end in tears.

Artemis, whom I made the mistake of ‘liking’, emailed me to say that we shouldn’t bother with all that tedious seeing if we have anything in common or talking to one another malarky.  His suggestion is that we just ‘meet and kiss and melt into one another, and as our tongues graze, the rest of the world will pail (sic) into insignificance’.

As I am not in the habit of attaching myself vacuum cleaner like to the face of a stranger without exchanging at least a few words, I may have to side step this one.

Matty has decided to take off his shirt, displaying a set of bony, coat hanger shoulders before taking his profile photo via his webcam. The end result looks like he is gazing gormlessly, gob open, into the back of a spoon.

Jonners has asked that anyone contacting him is not a ‘munter’ or ‘fugly’.  Take a wild guess as to how he marks on a 1-10 attractiveness scale.

I’m sure quite a few of these guys are looking at my profile and mocking it in a similar fashion, and that in real life they may be quite nice, but in the virtual world where mutually matching box ticking equals compatibility it’s very hard to sift out the Man from the Manchild.

What doesn’t help anyone genuinely looking for love, is that the online dating industry is probably one of the few businesses in growth that will stay in growth because it is designed, not to pair people off, but to keep them coming back for more.

The Dating Industry doesn’t want you to settle down with someone you’ve met online.  It doesn’t want your fledgling relationship to last.  If it did it wouldn’t keep targeting people who’ve left, even if they’ve given the fact that they’re in a serious relationship as one of their reasons for unsubscribing.

And then, if this person has a tiff with his/her partner, didn’t get flowers on Valentines Day, doesn’t get laid as often as they think they should, and feels generally neglected in some way, shape or form, they will probably open that ‘Someone Likes You!’ email, rejoin (perhaps under another name) log on surreptitiously and the whole repeat business process starts again.

Kerching!  Two more people back on the singles market again!

Clever, huh?

Invariably this endless supply of totty results in people thinking that they can not only ask, but demand and expect exactly what they feel they deserve, and when that dream date doesn’t turn up, they get awfully bitter.

Like Jay.  Jay sent me a nice opening message on the day that I rejoined, and when I didn’t answer it within 24 hours, blocked me in a fit of pique (just in case I tried to stalk him).  Then he seemingly had a change of heart and sent me another message which I answered, and I got blocked again for being understandably a little sardonic with him :-).  I truly hope he contacts me again cos I want to see how many times I can piss him off.

Roberto (Robert, I bet) has something along the lines of the following in his ‘Looking For’ section:

‘Please don’t bother contacting me if you have no photo or yours are more than a year old.  Also please be honest about your weight as you’re just wasting both our time if you not ‘curvy’ just FAT!  Kids are a no no, this is NOT negotiable, and please bring your purse,  Don’t expect me to pay, equality works both ways ladies!  And another thing, I don’t want……’

And on, and on ad infinitum.

Chaps I know it’s disappointing when true love (or hot sex) evades you despite your pissing away £40 a month on fees, but stomping your foot, baying unreasonable demands, railing about disappointing meets and chucking your toys out of your pram will not endear you to anyone.

Also we all need to take into account that you, sorry, we may not be as hot as we think we are. If in doubt, keep your top on.  Actually, keep it on anyway :-).

Anyone who uses this medium to meet people needs to be prepared to take it for what it is, take a reality check, sharpen your sense of humour, take a damn good look in the mirror and weigh up your ‘must haves’ against your ‘most likely to gets’ before you end up drafting a dating profile that resembles a five year olds letter to Santa, as this is not, repeat not, sexy or attractive.

Online dating; it’s all about managing expectations.

In the words of Mick Jagger:

‘You can’t always get what you want.  But if you try sometimes well you might find, You get what you need.’

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2 thoughts on “‘MANCHILD’ A.K.A. THE ART OF INTERNET DATING

  1. Amused! 😀 Toot! Toot! ;D

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