I’m trying hard not to think about it, and hope I’m wrong, but I sorely suspect that an unwanted intruder is reading my blog.
I blog anonymously for a whole variety of reasons; legal, confidential, wanting to protect my friends and family from the truth about my state of mind and my more desperate moods. To ensure that I am not perceived as unemployable in the workplace, and most importantly, to enable me to write an unembroidered account of my life, my illness, my innermost thoughts, my hopes, fears and dreams without having to temper, embellish or tone down anything I say. Being anonymous means that I can do all this and avoid leaving myself in a vulnerable position.
To that end I have specifically asked my family and friends not to try and find my blog on WordPress. The only person who gets to read it is ‘Aunty C’ my shrink/counsellor.
Only one other person would have a head start should she decide to hunt me down as she is familiar with the artwork on my page as we collaborated to create it. I have no technical skills to speak of, so had to trust someone.
Ironically and typically she is also the person I fell out with last week.
That isn’t the only reason I am paranoid. As you will know, words and phrases used in the searches that lead people to our pages are available for us to see, and the wording used by one ‘browser’ is very telling indeed…
Obviously I have mental health issues and am massively paranoid so I could be wrong, but my instincts are second to none and I swear I feel her eyes peeking redly out of the rushes.
So. If, despite my appeal/need for privacy, you have sought and found me CL and can now continue to intrude on my inner world? Good for you.
That said, this means that you are no doubt the kind of person that eavesdrops on private conversations, snoops in other peoples email and social media accounts, checks your partners mobile when they’re in the loo, and would not hesitate to ransack someone else’s home for their diary, and read it unbeknownst to them.
Not quite so big or clever when it’s put that way is it?
Kind of slimy, creepy, intrusive and grossly inappropriate isn’t it?
My immediate urge is to shield myself, temper my writing, be less honest about how my condition effects me, and not show any weakness so that you don’t get to see the whites of my eyes ever again, as I’ve had first hand experience of how nasty you can be when you don’t get your way, and am aware that you have no compulsion with regard to using such my vulnerability to hurt, jeer at and insult me.
That said, after a bit of thought I’ve decided, BOLLOCKS to that.
I will not moderate my words because of you.
Read away and do what you want, as whatever you relate, such actions say so much more about you than your disclosures will ever say about me. Just know that if any harm comes my way because of your actions, there will be a pay back.
Because within and because of my weakness I am stronger than you know.
When loneliness and isolation strikes, I turn and look it in the eye, rather than flee and cringe behind others, because I am not a coward.
I am strong and authentic enough to be solitary when I need to be, and not cleave to another just for the sake of not being alone.
I am brave and discerning enough not to keep people in my life who are not good for me, and whilst I do self sabotage, I work on and challenge myself every single day in order to fight my fears, paranoia and neuroses and carve myself a better life, facet by facet.
Can you honestly say the same?
Despite my handicaps I have survived 50 YEARS PLUS and will not only continue to survive, I WILL THRIVE.
As per your advice, I will continue to ‘have a nice life with my virtual friends’.
Because blogging on here has been a revelation, and brought me into contact with a range of beautiful, brave, innovative, intriguing, fucked up, inspiring, talent, creative, awe inspiring, seriously funny, fan-fucking-tastic people who never fail to surprise and inspire me, whom I would never have met in real life because we are all so different, and scattered across the planet like so many stars in the sky.
You know what though? I reckon that, if teleportation was possible and they all rocked over to mine for a party, it may not go without incident, the police may be called out because of the noise, some of us might mix our meds and I’d have to pay someone to sort the mess out the next day, but it would be the best party I’ve ever thrown :-).
Finally, I apologise from the bottom of my heart if I am falsely accusing you of doing something you haven’t done CL, and I mean that sincerely and wholeheartedly.
But if that’s the case, you won’t actually be reading this, will you 😉 ?
Sorry to anyone who has had to endure this paranoid rant, but sometimes you just have to make a Stand.
Happy Easter and God Bless to all x