Phoenix Fights

Fighting the FEAR, depression and BDP on a daily basis AND making my own bread. Bring it on 2016….




Here we go again, my monthly ‘Pheonix Flights’ progress report on my aims/ambitions for this year.

It’s good though, as it’s making me do something after a three day downer and after a particularly challenging month, I’m still up to my eyebrows in tar. Bye, bye Easter, don’t let the door hit your arse on the way out…..

This time, in keeping with the flight theme, I’ve used examples from the Insect World for illustrative purposes. Urgh…:



The Bluebottle

I am a bit like the rather disgusting Bluebottle, inasmuch as in Winter you’ll sometimes see one or two outside, but there are loads more out when the weather gets warmer.

I am better at going out actually (apart from my ‘bad’ days) the pedometer is really good motivation as you feel great when you hit 10,000 steps, as are visits to my beloved favourite London park.   So I am getting there.

Action Point – Go on more organised forays.



The Bedbug/Nightfly

The Bedbug, like me, likes being in bed. Yes I know that’s lame, but it’s true.

My mogs conspire against me every day though, especially Dex who has taken to clawing at my scalp when he wants his breakfast and trying to eat my hair. So far I’ve managed to stop him swallowing any, but maybe I should let him have some, would make an interesting grey/blonde fur ball…..

I’m also still a bit of a Nightfly, so need to commit to getting to bed by midnight every night.

Action Point – Go to bed on time and get up as soon as cats arrive. Unless it’s 5 am like it was the other morning. Little shits….



The Ant

I’ve actually triumphed a bit at this one, as I managed to give it up for a whole six days, by keeping myself busy (hence the hard working Ant) but have realised that I do need to be able to fall back on it when really down, otherwise I could do something more destructive instead, but v proud of myself :-).

Action Point – Only watch quality programmes/movies, no more than a couple of hours a day maximum.



The Hornet(’s Nest)

Hmmm, anyone who’s following this blog will know that this is a sore subject. ‘Nuff said! See ‘Friends’ (and I use that term loosely) for more info.

On the plus side, I’ve tried very hard to be more sociable, and am working on my tardiness but this month have probably been more ‘cancelled on’ than ‘cancelling’.

Oh well, some days you’re the pigeon, other days the statue….

Oh also see the ‘Dance’ section, am turning up for that so far :-).

Action Point – Keep up the good work.



The Praying Mantis v The Wasp


So, as the title suggests, things got a little heated in this area and I am a ‘friend’ (or rather a Wasp) down because I was 15 minutes late when going to meet her. I decided to go home because I didn’t want a confrontation, but after a lot of angry buzzing from my mobile and in my earhole, I retaliated and all hell broke lose.

I’ve thought (and prayed 🙂 ) about this a lot and I’ve come to the conclusion that even if I’d turned up things would have kicked off that night. And even if my bus had turned up, and I’d made it to the restaurant on time, there would have been another occasion where I’d have been late as being on time is a challenge for me.

Also when I look back, we usually met at her home or I was the one making the longest journey so she rarely went out of her way, and on the few occasions she came to mine, she was actually late too!

In hindsight I haven’t seen that much of her anyway, so I accept her decision to end the friendship and hope that if our paths cross again, things will be kept cordial as we still have friends in common.

On the plus side, I have made new friends via yoga, the pub quiz, baking and walking and my few real friendships are pretty strong, so I am grateful for this.

Action Point – Keep up the good work.



The Firefly


The Firefly is a rather complex yoga pose (sorry I HAD to share this picture! WTF?!) and whilst I’m not quite at crotch displaying level I am beavering away (sorree…).

I have been walking a lot more too, so pretty pleased with myself actually.

My diet hasn’t been very strict though, but to be fair, it is Easter!

Action Point – Get back on track with monitoring my food intake, maybe start running as opposed to walking and keep doing yoga every day.



The Honey Bee

The Honey Bee apparently uses a figure of eight dance to communicate to the rest of the hive, to tell them which direction to go and find the best flowers, whilst all of the others crowd round her and touch her with their antennae.

Sounds a bit like some of the ‘too close for comfort’ salsa sessions, I’ve had in the past….

Whilst as far as I’m concerned, everyone can keep their antennae to themselves, I am enjoying my ballroom course and am getting used to being at close quarters with the male of the species again. It still freaks me out a bit but I have to get used to it if I want to get any good at this.

Action Point – Keep it up and practice at home!



The Piophila/Wine Fly

The Piophila is otherwise known as the Wine Fly because it lays it’s eggs in fermented food such as, well, wine. And cheese! Classic combo Piophila, good call….

Giving up alcohol for Lent was a challenge, but I did it, and it was a real learning curve. Whilst I’m looking forward to having dinner with wine, and being able to have a tipple in a pub again I’m certainly not going back to having a glass (or three) of wine a day, so don’t plan to be found buzzing around ‘in the bottle’ any time soon.

Action Point – Well done! Drink in moderation from now on.



The Butterfly Pupa

I’m still kind of stewing away Pupa like in my little sanctuary hoping to break out very soon, when the time is right. Am applying for jobs but no cracks in the chrysalis as yet….

Action Point – Explore volunteer work to get me back out there for a couple of days a week (yes, I know I said this last month….)



The Scorpion

The sex lives of insects are, as you might expect, less than romantic and tend to be a little rough and ready. Well, downright brutal actually. Females are gang raped and their abdomens pierced by spiny phalluses (thank you Bed Bugs), males are decapitated and eaten (whoops, naughty Praying Mantis) and their penises ripped off (serves ’em right 😉 ), so being a suspicious, defensive Scorpion with an almighty sting in her tail is not necessarily a bad thing.

Oh wait. I’m human 😦 .

Whilst I am a little less spiky/dangerous these days, and unlikely to rip off anyone’s head mid coitus (unless they are really crap), I am still a little indifferent to dating and indeed sex.

I am active on line though and am talking to an ‘actor/director’ on my dating website 🙂 but didn’t gush enough about his career so may not hear from him again 😦 . That said, a retired cop who contacted me last year is back in touch, but he sounds like a big red groin on legs and I might have to whack him with my stinger if he jumps me, so will tread carefully with this one.

Having strange sexual dreams, probably down to Scary Man juice, but still have to remind myself to masturbate, so very slow progress all in all.


Action Point – Persevere, you might warm up if/when you meet someone you gel with.



The Moth

Like the Moth, I’m pretty drab nowadays. I don’t bother much with my appearance, live in black/beige/grey sweats and can’t remember the last time I wore a skirt and flashed a bit of leg. I also seem to be banging my head painfully against a brick wall (or in the moth’s case a hot light bulb) when trying to progress with this one, so still not keen on encountering my reflection.

It’s really hard to motivate myself to get tarted up when I don’t go out that much. Sigh…

Action Point – Find something to get dressed up for, stoopid…



The Tarantula

I’m sorry, but FUCK THIS.  I just wanna rear up and  STRIKE….

Right now I’m too angry and hurt to even try and forgive certain people. I’m sure it will come one day.


Action Point – Pray.  Again. WTF am I doing it wrong?!  Are you up there/listening, God?!! HELLOOOO?



The Itsy Bitsy Spider

Thought I’d add this as my Artist’s Way ‘weeks’ are a bit like bus stop waiting time minutes, i.e. a nothing to do with accuracy and everything to do with hanging in there as something will materialise eventually. Like the Itsy Bitsy Spider, I slip off, but keep on getting back up again!

I’m hanging in there and don’t always do the morning rant, sorry pages, but tend to feel better if I do. Will keep doing it until I finish but please don’t expect me to stick to the one week time line!

Me and time eh, not my strongest suit to say the least, maybe I should wear a massive clock around my neck like Flavor Flav…..

Action Point – Keep it up. As for time, no one is counting 🙂  For once.



The (Nice) Spider

This is all getting very spidery and I hate ’em! WTF?

I wanted to end this on a high note and also big myself up a bit as I have to be good at something! Plus I never want to let this part of me go again, but need some motivation with regard to taking it a step further.

Like the Spider, I have been very industrious, and to date I have blogged every single day this year, and whilst my posts might not be everyone’s cup of chai, it’s one of the few things I’ve stuck to so I’m proud of myself for that.

Even on my worst days I’ve said or posted something and guess what?

It helps.  It really does.  I don’t know how I managed before without this outlet.

And I got a little award 🙂 🙂 ! Still so chuffed about that, saddo that I am….

RE other stuff, I’ve also cooked and baked, made cushion covers, am making a very complicated sweater (not however, with my bum 😉 ) and am going to try and make little toys out of scraps of material/offcuts and see if I can sell them online.

Action Point – Keep this blog up. It is your sanctuary, it’s nurturing and keeps you writing. Besides where will all those knicker pervs go if you take it off line?!

Get sewing too! This will maybe one day make you some money. Hopefully soon before you end up on the streets….


Hmm, the voice of the ‘Good Parent’ seems to have taken over the ‘Action Points’ sections, Aunty C will be so pleased!

So March was a mixed month, but I’m heartened as I’d forgotten that there were good things and there is everything to play for as we’re now (apparently) into Spring!

Oh that reminds me, must get some insect spray, hate those little fuckers….

Bring it on April!



  1. WTF is right, that dude looks like he could put a hurtin on someone! BLUSHING & LMAO………….. 🙂 Welcome back after a funk. Good job!

  2. I’m wavering between replying on twitter and here mainly as I’m not techno gifted but here goes…..been over a week since I’ve been in touch, you’re doing loads of great stuff x look out for you daily x keep going x good on you for Easter/lent x am right about with you on the job stuff, applied for some shit last week, not so good on the creative….x you’re helping with my recovery plan x big love and keep well x Sam x

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