I had that classic guilt trip reaction this morning that us depressives tend to get on hearing about someone fighting tooth and nail for their life, when we’re like, ‘…meh…’ about ours.
Especially when she’s nearly a decade younger than me, the kind of person that I could be mates with, and to add insult to injury, has devastatingly lost part of her leg to bone cancer in the process.
Shamefully, I have to admit that I have to force myself to go out of the front door and put one foot in front of the other most days.
If I could bung Lou some years of my life as a gift, I would because quite frankly I’ve wasted decades being angry, paranoid, afraid, suspicious, hard hearted and judgmental and doing everything I can to keep anything and anyone that would be good for me at arms length, and I know for a fact that she would probably use them a whole lot more wisely than I have to date.
I know that there this is no point in my berating myself about this, and there is no going back and doing it right all over again (I know this because I’ve asked 😦 ), but it’s sad that it takes this girl’s misfortune to make me see that I have something precious here that money can’t buy and I am wasting.
At the very least, I should at try and appreciate it instead of merely enduring and ticking off the days on the calendar, waiting for the Grim Reaper to show up.
Because one day, maybe not too far off in the future, he will.
For the last nine months or so I have cut ties with old friends, blocked people on social media websites, falling out with family, hidden away and hibernated, partly because I needed to heal, lick my wounds and figure out who I am and what the fuck I’m going to do next, but I have also used my lack of income as an excuse to live life small.
Which is bollocks, because I also lived life small when I was working.
Because what it’s really all about is FEAR.
So whilst my ship has been safe in harbour for quite some time, that’s not what ships are for. What’s more it’s been a tough Winter and there are cracks in my hull, barnacles on my beam and if I don’t get movin’ soon, my cleat will rust over, and no one wants that, do they girls? 😉
It’s a Saturday and guess what? I haven’t been out at all. Partly because I’m trying to save money (yawn…), partly because it keeps raining and partly because the Big Guy ensured that I have enough provisions to last out a nuclear attack, https://sistasertraline.wordpress.com/2013/05/03/the-artists-way-week-five-part-2-presence-not-presents-and-the-cupboard-of-doom/ but I know a lady who’d love to walk to M&S in the rain, so that’s no excuse whatsoever, so I’m going to get my lazy arse out of the door now and go and get some Percy Pigs.
Lou, hang on in there my lovely, I doubt God/Higher Power/Shiva/Thor/El-ahrairah has done with you yet…. xx