Genuinely good things are happening in my life at the moment.
Strong new authentic friendships, promising liaisons with members of the opposite sex, creative ideas for making money and a growing acceptance of who and what I am, but it seems that the closer I get to happiness or redemption, the harder the demons pound on my door.
I’ve had strange, scary dreams this week, usually after a day when something nice has happened; dreams of being attacked, chased, wounded, betrayed. The ground crumbling beneath my feet; being lost and naked; something huge, wild and brutal trying to break down the door and get into my dream house.
After months of having little in the way of day to day stress in my life (other than the Fear, which is part and parcel of my condition) my body seems to have reverted to back to that work fight-or-flight mode; my shoulders are tight, my neck has seized up and my teeth hurt in the morning, a sure sign that I am grinding or clenching them in my sleep.
But there’s no way back now.
Just as the fall of Winter snow told me ‘Hunker down, wrap up warm and lie low’, the Cherry Blossom snow urges ‘Take heart, get your arse out there and LIVE’, and as hard as it is to keep up this endless, exhausting battle, I’m nothing if not a hard core, seasoned fighter and I don’t intend to quit now.
So bring it you fuckers, bring it on; you ain’t seen nothing yet.