Well, I was right.
A ten year friendship is now totally over.
And whilst I understand that the pre bout style mind games that this old friend played out are (a) a result of hurt, (b) something she can’t help and (c) something I probably participated in before this year, they are all the more transparent now that I refuse to dance to that particular tune anymore.
S totally ignored my sincere, frank, open olive branch, and when I emailed her via Facebook to say that I would take her silence as a rebuttal, suggest we break contact on Facebook too for closure, and wished her and her partner well for the future, she came at me like a wounded animal, sneering sarcastically about not knowing I’d set a timeline (hmm, a week since I offered the olive branch, nearly a year since we’ve been proper friends), accusing me of being passive aggressive but agreeing we should call it a day.
I speak of course as a reformed (well, I’m trying) bitch on wheels, and I am, if anything, twice as fierce when I snap, but it’s remarkable the way my efforts at being reasonable are met with such fury and aggression. It’s like the people in question don’t want to lose that power over me and would prefer that we keep circling each other instead of sorting things out to some kind of conclusion, whatever it might be, with honour and dignity.
But to be honest, in my heart I knew that there were only two choices; leave the friendship mortally wounded on the mat, twitching through its final death throes, or put it out of its misery.
And I hate things being left in limbo as I don’t like suspense. I like to know where I stand so I don’t have the patience to play the ‘who will flag first’ game.
Being ‘friends’ but not friends.
The sly, barbed, less than subtle jabs at me on Facebook.
The missed celebrations.
Having a trusted partner in crime.
The sadness of watching each others lives commence without the other.
So I forced her to decide, and decide she did.
What I’ve learned from this is never to get into these kinds of stand offs with anyone like this again as it’s cruel, perverse and a complete waste of time, as in the end nobody wins, as if two people can’t have a normal, rational, honest conversation with one another without pitiful attempts of psychological power play, it’s best not to enter the ring in the first place.
Goodbye S. Whilst I honour what we had, I recognise that this is long gone, and I will now let this friendship breathe its last.
I never did like blood sports. 😦