Well, I am having a dee-lightful day so far today – NOT!
It’s raining again, I can’t light my fire (spare me the witticisms please), every appliance in my domicile is breaking down, and I’ve just had the most horrifying experience….
Men – this is not for your eyes, so please, look away now.
Have they gone?
I just sat down to answer a few emails, and I had to adjust my seated position to make myself comfortable because it felt like…. or I appeared to be…. sitting on my own fangita.
What kind of fuckery is this, exactly?
Is it not enough that our hair goes grey, our faces droop, our tits sag and our libido leaves home, now we have to suffer this kind of indignity?
So what now? I’m growing a frigging scrotum or something?
Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t sitting on a lorra, lorra labia, but something is clearly there that did not used to be there.
I think it has gotten plumper and…. OMG I’m hyperventilating with horror here…. it kind of, erm, isn’t as tight to my perineum as it used to be.
I’ll say it.
It’s grown. Downwards. A bit. 😦 😦 😦
And when I come to think about it, when I’m doing yoga and go into downward dog, my eyes tend to be drawn there, because it now has a presence, whereas in the past it was…..
No one warned me about this. Sure people bang on about the ‘change’, hot flushes, putting weight on, less skin elasticity, etc., but getting a bigger pussy?! That said, no one briefed me on the sneaky little patches of hair growth where there once was none (toes, nose, palms of hands) nor that my bush would get ambitious and want to branch out into new, exciting territory, as it seems that nowadays I need a chair, whip and flame thrower to keep it under control.
Someone should have said!!
I call a friend, K, for advice and support.
‘That’s only just happened to you? Really? I’ve got a right pair of flaps on me now, have done for a while! Don’t worry about it, know what my Steve says? All the more for him to chew on! Ha Ha!’
Oh GOD….I’m really not amused at all….she has a man, who has seen her in her neater days, how am I supposed to introduce ‘monster minge’ to a new boyfriend?
All those hideous misogynistic names that used to mean nothing to me? Now, some horrible little demon pops up unannounced, sits on my shoulder and hisses them in my ear….
I know it’s a small thing (shaddup!) and should be of little concern in the greater scheme of things, but I do a lot of yoga and won’t be able to wear tights if I have a big laa laa, so what am I supposed to do about that?
Do Spanx make something to address this? A snatch support or something?
My mind, in desperation reaches back to the happy days when I was with my first boyfriend; he loved my minny so much, he used to look at it with a torch like a younger, more pervy Bill Oddie, with a preference for beaver over badger.
Who’d want to look at it now? They might get their nose bitten off 😦 .
I know I should love it no matter what it looks like, ‘no ones looks the same but they’re all beautiful’, blah, blah, blah but I don’t love the rest of me that is on show to the world, so how am I supposed love something that shouldn’t be making it’s presence known in the first place, whose sole intent is to cause me discomfort and embarrassment?
This plus my lack of libido, I’m starting to wonder if I ever have sex again….
Hope I haven’t offended anyone, but this blog reflects exactly what is in my head at any given time, and this is currently what I am obsessing about.
Ladies, please share your stories/experiences, and give me the will to live again?!