Phoenix Fights

Fighting the FEAR, depression and BDP on a daily basis AND making my own bread. Bring it on 2016….

GETTING IN A FLAP….

9 Comments

Well, I am having a dee-lightful day so far today – NOT!

It’s raining again, I can’t light my fire (spare me the witticisms please), every appliance in my domicile is breaking down, and I’ve just had the most horrifying experience….

Men – this is not for your eyes, so please, look away now.

Have they gone?

OK ladies…..

I just sat down to answer a few emails, and I had to adjust my seated position to make myself comfortable because it felt like…. or I appeared to be…. sitting on my own fangita.

Image

What kind of fuckery is this, exactly?

Is it not enough that our hair goes grey, our faces droop, our tits sag and our libido leaves home, now we have to suffer this kind of indignity?

So what now?  I’m growing a frigging scrotum or something?

Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t sitting on a lorra, lorra labia, but something is clearly there that did not used to be there.

I think it has gotten plumper and…. OMG I’m hyperventilating with horror here…. it kind of, erm, isn’t as tight to my perineum as it used to be.

:-s

OKAY!

I’ll say it.

It’s grown.  Downwards.  A bit. 😦  😦  😦

And when I come to think about it, when I’m doing yoga and go into downward dog, my eyes tend to be drawn there, because it now has a presence, whereas in the past it was…..

nothing_to_see_here_south_park_barbrady_policeman_nincs_semmi_latnivalo_zps698a8e87

No one warned me about this.  Sure people bang on about the ‘change’, hot flushes, putting weight on, less skin elasticity, etc., but getting a bigger pussy?!  That said, no one briefed me on the sneaky little patches of hair growth where there once was none (toes, nose, palms of hands) nor that my bush would get ambitious and want to branch out into new, exciting territory, as it seems that nowadays I need a chair, whip and flame thrower to keep it under control.

Someone should have said!!

I call a friend, K, for advice and support.

She laughed.

‘That’s only just happened to you? Really? I’ve got a right pair of flaps on me now, have done for a while!  Don’t worry about it, know what my Steve says? All the more for him to chew on!  Ha Ha!’

Oh GOD….I’m really not amused at all….she has a man, who has seen her in her neater days, how am I supposed to introduce ‘monster minge’ to a new boyfriend?

All those hideous misogynistic names that used to mean nothing to me?  Now, some horrible little demon pops up unannounced, sits on my shoulder and hisses them in my ear….

Piss flaps!

Beef curtains!

Meat wallet!

Kebab!

😦

I know it’s a small thing (shaddup!) and should be of little concern in the greater scheme of things, but I do a lot of yoga and won’t be able to wear tights if I have a big laa laa, so what am I supposed to do about that?

Do Spanx make something to address this?  A snatch support or something?

My mind, in desperation reaches back to the happy days when I was with my first boyfriend; he loved my minny so much, he used to look at it with a torch like a younger, more pervy Bill Oddie, with a preference for beaver over badger.

Image

Who’d want to look at it now? They might get their nose bitten off 😦 .

I know I should love it no matter what it looks like, ‘no ones looks the same but they’re all beautiful’, blah, blah, blah but I don’t love the rest of me that is on show to the world, so how am I supposed love something that shouldn’t be making it’s presence known in the first place, whose sole intent is to cause me discomfort and embarrassment?

This plus my lack of libido, I’m starting to wonder if I ever have sex again….

Hope I haven’t offended anyone, but this blog reflects exactly what is in my head at any given time, and this is currently what I am obsessing about.

Ladies, please share your stories/experiences, and give me the will to live again?!

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9 thoughts on “GETTING IN A FLAP….

  1. Luv, I think you might be putting too much worry into this situation. Our bodies change…so long as they don’t get cancer, or type 2 diabetes, or other actually bad changes, who cares?

    Me, I’ll be 29 in about a month. If you’ve read my blog, you’ll see that I’m happily single. Now, let me share some other things;

    Extra weight? Yes, but it’s not tremendous and just means exercise and drink more H2O.

    Gray hair? I dyed my hair silver for Halloween once, and I looked HOT. I can’t wait for my blonde to turn gray/silver!

    Bigger fanny? I’ve already got a “big” tuchas for a white girl…it leads to many, MANY compliments.

    Hair growth? Eh, have not experienced this yet, but I’ll take it in stride.

    Less of a libido? Hey, I’m so hypersexual that my FwB has asked *me* if we can just cuddle. Having it go down to normal levels might be a good thing!

    Hot flashes? I probably won’t get them. I already don’t experience any negatives when my cycle comes around…biologically, I’m a terrible woman.

    Getting larger labia? Again, has not happened to me, and mine are incredibly small as it is. But honestly, I don’t think many guys are going to freak out. I mean, have you seen a ballsac lately? It’s not like they can complain about a little droop on you. 😉

    Like I said on MrMary’s blog, life (whether you believe in one or many) goes by too quickly to be upset over the little things. If you find a guy who likes you, he will most likely accept you, droopy labia and all. All you have to do is accept him back…along with whatever he frets about. It’s a wonderful give and take of neurosis, lol.

    And if all my blathering STILL hasn’t cheered you up, just take a look at this:

    http://www.greatwallofvagina.co.uk/home

    • 29? 29?!!! You are still a baby my love, wait till you hit your half decade that’s when it all kicks off….

      I know, I know, I’m a fucked up, hypersensitive, self absorbed knob head and should be grateful it’s in good health if a little ‘extended’ and thank you for your comments my love xx

      • I look forward to my half century mark. Any day you grow older is a day you’re still above ground, right?

        Oh, and thanks for letting me know about my “oops”. I’ve found that with blogging I’m going to need an English to English dictionary…

        😛

        I do hope I cheered you up though. 🙂

      • You did totally, and you are very much appreciated x

    • PS Fanny in UK doesn’t have the same meaning as fanny in the US, I’d love a bigger booty! 😉

  2. Ah-oh. This is it, love. Time to book that plastic surgeon.
    Lol
    Kidding.
    Your blog always entertains me. Yes yes, your misery is entertaining for me and im a horrible person. When i hit 50, i bet karma will bite me in the flaps for that.

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