Phoenix Fights

Fighting the FEAR, depression and BDP on a daily basis AND making my own bread. Bring it on 2016….


Leave a comment


Doesn’t time fly?  Nearly half way through the year now….gulp….

Once again here is my monthly ‘Phoenix Flights’ progress report on my aims/ambitions for this year.

As usually, the psychological model/imaginary friend  my counsellor insists I use, ‘The Good Parent’ or my higher, kinder self will be giving me advice, encouragement and action points.

The theme this month?  Song titles!

Please reassured that wherever possible I’ve used good songs and avoided the shit ones.



Getting Better – The Beatles

When I look back to January/February when I hardly went out at all, things have improved.  Somewhere in my head however, I do sometimes think ‘What’s the point, you’ll only spend money’ and I’m had a run of really bad days, but like the song says, it’s getting better all the time 🙂

Good Parent – ‘Sigh…..keep it up please’



Lazybones – Mills Brothers

This is still a difficult one.  I’m a natural night owl so I go to bed late, and only get up after the cats bounce off chest yowling furiously.  If I have an appointment or someone is coming round, I make it happen.

Good Parent –If you can’t motivate yourself to get into a routine, get a job then you’ll have to.  Actually, get a job anyway!’



Fade Away and Radiate – Blondie

Yup.  I’m still a bit of a TV zombie, especially when down, but have some days when I completely turn off.

Actually that’s a lie.  I have days when I watch less.  Usually when I’m out….

Good Parent – Stop it.  And get a job.’



Reach Out I’ll Be There – Gloria Gaynor

Yaay!  Disco! 🙂

Again, I’m getting pretty good at this.  Unless I’m having a dark day or something is going to be shit, I turn up.

Good Parent – ‘Keep up the good work.’



Rip It Up – Orange Juice

Chill people – anyone who follows this blog will know that I didn’t lose a new one, just put a very old one out of it’s misery.  Tried to sort it out, but it was time to rip it up and, yes, start again.

Friends – Bette Midler

That’s not to say I didn’t have any close calls.  One of my new friends, in her usual tactless fashion accused me in a less than subtle, rather public fashion of something I was not happy about, and I tore a bit of a strip of her, which is what she deserved. But the next day, I did not sulk and we started afresh.  Because I value her and her friendship. And let’s face it, we can all be a bit of a twat sometimes….

But things are good, I’m making new friends all the time, with the existing friendships are getting stronger.  And it means a lot.

Good Parent – Good stuff! And you might want to try and make peace with another of your estranged buddies?  If only to make things easier when your paths next cross?’



Jump To It – Aretha Franklin

OK, I’ve been more active than last month, but there’s definitely room for improvement.  My old war injuries have been playing up which didn’t help, but am trying…..

Good Parent – ‘Your chiro told you exercise helps, so don’t even try that one, come on, you know you feel better when you work out….’



Alicia Bridges – I Love The Nightlife

Dancing has somehow turned into my salvation of late, and as soon as my ballroom classes finished I went to Ceilidh to get my kicks.

Be it ballroom, salsa or traditional Scottish jigs, I just gotta boogie on the disco aahhh, oh yeah…. 🙂

Good Parent – ‘Great news!  Don’t give up on ballroom though, it would be silly to let all those lessons go to waste, book the intermediates course ASAP.’



Got to Give It Up – Marvin Gaye

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not pissing it up all the time, but have been trying to ‘use up’ a bottle of flavoured vodka and it doesn’t seem be going down.  I also drink on dates and because I’m not used to it anymore, probably appear like a lush, not good….

Good Parent – ‘Pour it down the sink.  BOOM!  Job done!’



Ben Howard – The Fear

Not even going to bullshit on this one.  I’ve hardly done jack.

I’m so fucking scared.

Of what? Falling back into my former line of work.  Taking something menial and my ex colleague laughing/gloating when they hear about it.  Interviews.  My shit memory.  Being judged.   Anyone trying to seek references from Wankers R Us.  People not liking me.  Being knocked back. Rejection.

Doing it on my own.

For all of my life I’ve been alone in so many ways, and even as a kid I was never supported or praised, never had my parents take an interest in me or help me with my homework, or encourage me to be something. Indeed all of my family took the piss out of me and made me feel stupid, ugly and worthless.  So when I have to do anything new, I have no confidence and at any sign of impatience or derision, I bail rather than look a fool or be made to feel like that stupid, awkward, unloved, goofy kid.

I did look into a couple of things, but everything I try and explore falls by the wayside.

I can’t see a way forward, so I ignore it and pretend I’m safe. But it all comes out in my dreams every night….

Good Parent – ‘Don’t beat yourself up.  We’ll keep on trying.  Have faith.’



Over and Over – Sylvester


OK, I’ve been on this dating website for about six weeks now, and I’m NOT renewing this time.

It’s no ones fault, but going off to meet total strangers over and over again and answering endless e-mails from weirdo men who get the hump if you don’t chase them, say the wrong thing or don’t fulfil their criteria is fast losing it’s charm.

It’s like having endless job interviews for positions you don’t actually even want, and I’m bored now.

That said, I have my third meeting with GM tomorrow, I do however think we’re more buddies than anything else.

Oh and one bloke at Ceilidh seems to like me….

Good Parent – ‘Friends is fine, just see what happens….’



We Close Our Eyes – Go West


Good Parent – ‘OK, calm down dear and work on it!’



Let it Be – Beatles


Good Parent – ‘Good!’



Forget Me Nots – Patrice Rushton

Duh, this ain’t happening really is it?

Good Parent – ‘Try one more time, then you can leave it if you keep forgetting to do it.’



Make It (Funky) – James Brown

Did a bit more than last month and am taking workshops and classes.

Good Parent – ‘Keep it up!’ 



This Womans Work – Kate Bush

I’m still stalling a bit and I think it’s because I’ve been told to practice in a certain way and have to do it at home on my own, so it feels more like a chore, and I don’t get to enjoy that community spirit  or the fun you get when you practice with others.

I also feel poleaxed because I need to make a decision about my training moving forward 😦

Good Parent – ‘Take back your power and find a class you like whether its the way you’ve been told to do it or not, and make it a pleasure again.’


Some good progress, but still far so far to go, so many promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep…..


Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s