Phoenix Fights

Fighting the FEAR, depression and BDP on a daily basis AND making my own bread. Bring it on 2016….




For the last 48 hours or so, I’ve scraped by in a bit of a daze really, but one good thing has come from this ‘Total Recall’ from hell.

I have learned to take comfort from the company of others.

Not for the entire two days you understand, no that would be too much of an about turn, but my twisted mind’s impetus to keep reliving and replaying all of the details of what happened that night again, and again make me at loathe to be alone with my thoughts for too long, which is something very new for me.

So much makes sense now.

  • My mistrust of men.
  • My wondering what they really wanted from me (as they couldn’t actually like me, could they?)
  • My low self worth.
  • My horror of rejection.
  • My inability to let myself be out of control.
  • My inability to fully relax when a boyfriend (or any man for that matter) stayed over in my home.
  • My secrecy and need for privacy.
  • My needing to be able to physically protect myself.
  • My always expecting and being prepared for the worst.
  • My always having an exit plan.
  • My readiness to ‘fight to the death’ when threatened.
  • My fury when presented with male aggression.

And all of this because some selfish, sexist, cowardly, misogynistic wanker could have a quick squirt and about 30 seconds of ecstasy that was probably forgotten within 24 hours (or once he’d fucked/raped someone else), whilst this has marred all of my relationships for over half of my life.

Don’t they realise this?

These rapists, these child abusers, these kidnappers, these opportunistic abusers?

Can’t they just have a wank over some porn like everyone else?

The darkest part of me would love to see them all gang raped up the arse by way of punishment so that they could live in shame, fear, self loathing and pain for the rest of their life, but that’s just ‘eye for an eye’ and nothing good ever comes from that.


I haven’t been able to cry at all.  I just feel frozen.

So many thoughts, so many realisations.

Babies never came for me, and I subconsciously used to wonder whether I was being punished, or that some fundamental damage had been done to me.

It was probably just as well, I’m so fucked up that any child of mine would have probably being a bit screwed up too.

Suffice to say, whatever libido I have recently recovered has completely and utterly disappeared, so this is probably a damn good excuse to stop seeing GM and/or going on any more dates for now.

But I don’t want this to turn me into a man hater.

I think that as part of a healing process, I need to spent time with all of the kind, gentle, safe men that I have in my life to remind me that there good ones are out there too, and hopefully this will heal my wounds, make me feel safe and thaw out the block of ice that is currently holding my heart captive.

Thanks again for all of your kind words, they nourish my tired, battered little soul, they really do 🙂

And to any guys who are reading or who have read about any of this, I guess you probably don’t know what to say and think it’s best to keep out of it?

I totally understand.

P.S. What has shocked and saddened me the most has been the number of bloggers who have had similar experiences to mine, and I’m touched by them taking their courage in both hands and taking the trouble to comment so kindly and supportively about mine.  Love and support right back at you xx

Namaste to all xx




  1. I’m sorry that you are/have been going through such a hard time.

    I just wanted to say that I really relate to you writing how this has impacted all your relationships. I think that this is something that people really can’t understand unless they’ve been through it. Having to deal with the consequences on an ongoing basis while the person who is actually responsible for causing this pain probably does forget about it. That’s especially terrifying and enrages me, because these rapists don’t feel the need to change themselves, while our lives continue to be shaped by what happened to us.

    I appreciate what you write and send all the best wishes your way.

  2. I missed the first two parts of this due to lack of time, so I went back to read them. It’s one of those times when I press ‘like’ with some trepidation – there is nothing about the experience you had or your suffering then or now that I like, but I applaud your bravery in looking it in the face and being so open about it. You tell a very important story about the complexity of abuse. I am sure it will help many others.

    I have never been physically abused so I cannot know what it is like, but I have dealt with harassment/stalking, so to some extent I understand some of the sense of violation. Beyond that, there is a loss of innocence, a loss of an ability to trust, which inevitably arises…I think that is a powerful residual effect from this.

    In earlier posts on this you seemed to blame yourself for being drawn to the person in the first place. But you were drawn to an idea, and then you met the reality. You can’t be blamed for not knowing, or for initially trying to re-writ the scenario, in your dis-orientation and shock, to still believe it was ok. that’s part of the impact of shock and betrayal…we don’t want to think it happened, let alone have it happen.

    Be gentle with yourself, take care…take the time you need. And bravo again for your courage. 🙂

  3. I understand completely. From the time I was 10 til I moved out a few months before my 18th birthday, I was emotionally and sexually abused by my stepfather. I thank the Gods everyday that at least he never put his penis in my vagina, because I probably would have gotten pregnant over this long of a time frame.

    To answer your question: No. They do not care what their actions do to us, how badly and utterly it f($#s us up. All that matters is that they get off, and they don’t get caught. I remember one time when I was 14, he had just finished using my body as I had been trying to shower for a night out with my friends. Whereas I could usually just die a little and push it away, this time I couldn’t. As I sobbed in the shower stall, I asked him “Why?” The answer he gave showed how little thought he truly gave to what he was doing to me, and would continue to do. He made so many halfassed reasons that I’m sure even he began to believe them.

    He threw his towel at me and said that I should stop being such a selfish bitch. That I should be happy that he (a man) was paying me any attention at all, given that I dressed/acted like a boy. Besides, if he couldn’t use me he would need to use prostitutes…I didn’t want him to give any STDs to my mom, right? Then he left, I shoved everything into my mental gray room, and went out with my 4 best friends.

    Ironically, they were all guys…since middle school my friends have always been all guys. If it wasn’t for them, I’d probably have gone insane and been mistrusting of other men. I think it’s a good idea for you to take some days for yourself, do whatever you want. You deserve it. But remember, the ones who abused us were NOT what a real man acts like. There are good men in the world…spend time with them when you’re ready.

    And remember to love yourself for your faults and ambitions, greatness and failures. These are what make you a person. You deserve love and happiness, you did not ask for what befell you that night, and you are stronger than your past.

    Much love and many blessings,
    -Tarnished Sophia

    • I APPLAUD your courage sharing with us these personal experiences youve had. To you both. There are so many aspects to the healing process and helping others by sharing your story is hard, though fruitful…The POWER that comes with sharing is irreplaceable! I have spoken motivationally about my own other types of personal experiences and each time is more free-ing than the last! Each time I share, a piece more of ME, and of that person (no matter if they harmed me more or not) is FORGIVEN–even just in the slightest way. Another ball and chain released somewhere when i go into the darkness and unleash another scab. Its a Process. Trust God, pray, or whoever and whatever you believe in: put that Power ahead of everything you do, for ‘peace through the pieces.’ Blessings and Thanks to you both xo

      • Thanks to both and everyone who has commented and shared.

        I hate the fact that these things have happened to my blogging sisters, but love what you have given to me and others reading this blog. I am honoured and better for knowing you all xxxx

    • I’m so sorry this happened to you Sophia in those formative years. I won’t ask more questions but I hope that bastard got or gets what he deserves one day.

      I think you are one incredibly strong woman with a wise head and a big, big heart, and you are such an inspiration to me and no doubt others.

      I will get through this, and thank you so much for being so brave as to share your story.

      Big, big love xxxx

      • Thank you sistasertraline.

        It is certainly a difficult healing process, made more confusing (for me at least) since in all my life I haven’t identified as being female. I sometimes wonder if I *had* gone against my nature and acted feminine, would this have happened less frequently…more…or (dare I say it) not at all?

        Regardless it is in the past, just like your experience is. We will always have some cracks, but that doesn’t necessarily mean we are completely broken. If sharing parts of my story can help others, as I hope it has, then perhaps something good can come out of it after all.

  4. Thank Gods you wrote this post. I was beginning to regret posting what I’ve just posted, because I keep disbelieving it. Thank you for giving me the courage to not delete what I just wrote. Thank you.

    • I’m so sad to read what happened to you Beth x

      Let me tell what I’m taking from my experience.

      It’s out now, and it’s ugly, disgusting and mortifying but the more I look at it, the more i get used to it, the more power it loses and eventually it will hopefully be something I can put behind me. Plus at least I know what it is now and it can’t hover in the background like a permanent threat.

      I didn’t even know I felt that, so thank you as you have just helped me too 🙂

      One thing you should try and commit to now us to never let a man hurt you like that again. Take up a martial art and ensure you can protect yourself. Remember the signs that these kind of men put out (controlling, cutting you off from loved ones, steering you away from your dreams etc) and steer clear if them. Re-engage with your family. Get good meds. And love yourself.

      You deserve it xx

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