Phoenix Fights

Fighting the FEAR, depression and BDP on a daily basis AND making my own bread. Bring it on 2016….




I’ve never considered myself to be a leader.

Far from it.

Acceptance, avoiding rejection or being ‘found out‘ have been my main ambitions to date, and at my most comfortable and confident I have been a leaders ‘No. 2’ (no jokes please), feeding them ideas, strategies, solutions and generally being the wind beneath their wings.

And to date, I’ve been content with that.  Or have settled for that, some who know me better might say.

I would also say that I would make a good critic whether it be customer service theatre or restaurant.  Someone can do something and I can tell you what I think is wrong with it, and how I would do it better. And it is with some discomfort that I recognise myself to be a bit of a ‘eunuch in the harem’:



“Critics are like eunuchs in a harem; they know how it’s done, they’ve seen it done every day, but they’re unable to do it themselves.”

Brendan Behan


But the message is coming through loud and clear that no one is going to come along and hold my hand through all of this, because whilst I have been, or at least I thought I had been, putting some effort into working towards the things I need, when I look back, my efforts have been pretty half assed, in the vein of:

‘I’ll whack over my CV to whoever and if its ‘meant to be’ they’ll call me in for a meeting, give me a big cuddle and snap me up.’

But the lovely tarnishedsophia busted my cover yesterday and forced me to confront my lack of courage and commitment, and on waking this morning I realised that yet another 24 hours of my life have passed that I have totally wasted by not ‘growing a pair’ and having a go at something.

I then noticed that a new blogger had liked my last post, so I clicked on to discover more about her and this is what I found:

So the messages from the Gods are coming though loud and clear. They’re just not the ones that I wanted.

The bottom line is I’m on my own and I’m going to have to do ‘it’ myself.

And I’m scared.

Because even if I start a new business, market stall, book or whatever, I can’t do everything by myself, so how will I cope?

I guess if I’m going in the right direction and being true to myself, that’s when I ‘Ask, Believe and Receive.’

And I have no doubt that I will fuck up, lose money, waste my time and effort, fall on my ass, end up a laughing stock etc. but I’m just going to have to suck it up and get back on my feet again like everyone else does.

Plus for all my yogic posturing, I have avoided any kind of proper attempt of meditation and going within to get to know myself.

The thought just terrifies me.

I don’t know why.

So thanks to all of you for putting up with my whining and procrastination, I am going to dig into some yoga and meditation this weekend, ask for guidance properly, acquire a new backbone over the next few days (even if I have to knit one 😉 ), and start next week with hope, confidence and renew vigour.

God bless you all for your support and friendship xx



  1. Now THAT is the kind of thinking I’m talking about! If I may, your posts have always seemed like you are in “idling” rather than pushing the throttle and living your life in “drive”. If you don’t move, how will you get anywhere (or anyONE)?

    This life is 100%, without a doubt, all YOURS. It is up to you, and no one else, to see yourself through it. Can you share parts of it with others? Yes, of course! Sometimes your paths will run parallel, cross over, diverge repeatedly or stay merged for years…but despite all this, your path is still connected to you. Imagine everything that you are TRULY able to do. Don’t allow flights of fancy to cloud your realistic goals, but also don’t sell your abilities short!

    As for starting up the yoga, meditation, etc…a helpful thing to know is that human beings usually take about 2 weeks to break into a new schedule. If you can be “serious” for 14 days, it will all become second nature.

    Oh, and thanks for the props, Sista. 🙂

    • Bloody hell, are you related to my therapist by any chance?! 😉

      I probably hide rather than ‘idle’, FEAR is my master for all sorts of reasons, and whilst my meds kill some of it, they also make me tired and lackadaisical and it’s a rare day that I get the balance right. SELF SABOTAGE is my other default, but you’re right, I have to at least try and give both a good run for their money.

      Thanks again lovely, and have a good weekend x

  2. A knitted backbone is the best kind. Flexible AND strong. You’re on the right track.

  3. I am so amazed by your self-awareness and honesty. just remember that no matter how difficult, scary, happy, successful; or during times of facing failure–you are awakened to the power. you have ‘it’. that self-awareness and rigurous honesty with self (& a Creator) you (might, i dont know) believe in; has got your back. if you continue this way no matter what you ‘face’, you will learn. some take lifetimes to get where you already are. some never get there. you really are doing ‘it’ even if you’re not ‘doing’ anything. imagine how greater and connected the feel, when you get up and get the ‘needles movin’. I relate much to your posts and thoughts, with gratitude i read your words. at times its like reading my own thoughts i cannot seem to put out there. I thank you for being a light in the dark 😉 Just..remain…’willing’–willingness will get you anywhere you wish to go! J9;)

  4. Reblogged this on Phoenix Flights and commented:
    Procrastination? I wrote the book, baby!
    Regardez sil vous plait…..

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s