I’ve never considered myself to be a leader.
Far from it.
Acceptance, avoiding rejection or being ‘found out‘ have been my main ambitions to date, and at my most comfortable and confident I have been a leaders ‘No. 2’ (no jokes please), feeding them ideas, strategies, solutions and generally being the wind beneath their wings.
And to date, I’ve been content with that. Or have settled for that, some who know me better might say.
I would also say that I would make a good critic whether it be customer service theatre or restaurant. Someone can do something and I can tell you what I think is wrong with it, and how I would do it better. And it is with some discomfort that I recognise myself to be a bit of a ‘eunuch in the harem’:
“Critics are like eunuchs in a harem; they know how it’s done, they’ve seen it done every day, but they’re unable to do it themselves.”
But the message is coming through loud and clear that no one is going to come along and hold my hand through all of this, because whilst I have been, or at least I thought I had been, putting some effort into working towards the things I need, when I look back, my efforts have been pretty half assed, in the vein of:
‘I’ll whack over my CV to whoever and if its ‘meant to be’ they’ll call me in for a meeting, give me a big cuddle and snap me up.’
But the lovely tarnishedsophia busted my cover yesterday and forced me to confront my lack of courage and commitment, and on waking this morning I realised that yet another 24 hours of my life have passed that I have totally wasted by not ‘growing a pair’ and having a go at something.
I then noticed that a new blogger had liked my last post, so I clicked on to discover more about her and this is what I found:
So the messages from the Gods are coming though loud and clear. They’re just not the ones that I wanted.
The bottom line is I’m on my own and I’m going to have to do ‘it’ myself.
And I’m scared.
Because even if I start a new business, market stall, book or whatever, I can’t do everything by myself, so how will I cope?
I guess if I’m going in the right direction and being true to myself, that’s when I ‘Ask, Believe and Receive.’
And I have no doubt that I will fuck up, lose money, waste my time and effort, fall on my ass, end up a laughing stock etc. but I’m just going to have to suck it up and get back on my feet again like everyone else does.
Plus for all my yogic posturing, I have avoided any kind of proper attempt of meditation and going within to get to know myself.
The thought just terrifies me.
I don’t know why.
So thanks to all of you for putting up with my whining and procrastination, I am going to dig into some yoga and meditation this weekend, ask for guidance properly, acquire a new backbone over the next few days (even if I have to knit one 😉 ), and start next week with hope, confidence and renew vigour.
God bless you all for your support and friendship xx