Phoenix Fights

Fighting the FEAR, depression and BDP on a daily basis AND making my own bread. Bring it on 2016….




So we’re at mid-point for the year.  How did that happen?!

Anyway, it’s time to put my charred, feathery little ass under the microscope again, yes it’s the ‘Phoenix Flights’ monthly resolutions update!

The theme this month?


This is actually a good writing exercise because I think I probably rely far too much on some of these bad boys than is healthy, so, brace yourself, get ready to get your cringe on….



Mustn’t Grumble!

I still have days when I want to stay in, but all in all, a great improvement.  I’m going to take this out next month, but will bring it back if the urge to hibernate returns, and/or if I start stuffing my cheeks with muesli, and try to crowbar my arse into the cat’s favourite cardboard box….

Good Parent/Higher Self – ‘Hurray!’



Better Late Than Never….

Again, I’m so much better at this than I used to be, but I have to confess, I still have the odd day when the Postman catches me with a greasy face, tousled hair and eye snot stuck to my peepers….

Ah, what’s a girl to do….

Good Parent/Higher Self – ‘Keep pushing forward, that’s what, go on, set that alarm clock for 8am permanently!’




If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.

OK, so I still have a ‘Real Housewives’ addiction, there is always going to be some top-notch drama or other I want to watch, and I’ll NEVER give up the Great British Bake Off (even if dirty, disappointing old Paul Hollywood is still on it), so I’ll never go completely cold turkey, BUT I don’t watch as much as I used to.

Good Parent/Higher Self – ‘Limit yourself to two shows a day.  Then you won’t get DT’s.’



Be careful what you wish for.

Loads of progress in this area, but on some occasions, I do very much wish I’d stayed at home actually….

Good Parent/Higher Self – ‘Don’t use this as an excuse to cancel on stuff.  This is a one-off for the most part, keep taking risks!’



Sweet as a nut


This is going really well.  I’m making and keeping new friends, keeping the old ones and I recently swallowed my pride, proffered that sad, well-worn old olive branch to someone I fell out with months ago, and we gradually started communicating again, emailing, texting, etc. and yesterday we met up and had a really nice day.

One minor hump in the road is that one very close friend seems to have the slight hump with me, but I suspect that she’s just a bit miffed that I’m more independent now, and that she can’t go from ignoring me for weeks and weeks to clicking her fingers when it suits her and expect me to race round the M25 to hers in my car, grateful that she’s found time for me in her hectic social diary.

And I get it.

The changes I have made in myself and my life have affected all of my relationships in one way or another.

  • I don’t offer myself be used as an unpaid counsellor in order to make friends anymore.
  • I don’t play pseudo mummy to grown women.
  • I don’t feel the need to justify my every action anymore.
  • I won’t play that passive aggressive, tit for tat game with anyone.
  • I don’t take things too personally anymore.
  • If someone distances themselves from me, I don’t fret too much about it.  They have their reasons.
  • I’m not as judgemental as I was, and don’t get angry or confront as much as I did.
  • I finally, finally understand that if someone does something mean to me, it does not mean that they are all bad and that I should throw them out of my life.  We are all light and shade, yin and yang, and all do stupid shit every now and then.
  • I do not pinball from peeled prawn to armoured tank anymore, i.e. give away too much then slam closed the six-inch steel door when I inevitably get hurt or let down.  Because….
  • ….and most importantly, I do not give people THAT much power over me anymore.

So, as much as I love B dearly, my playing geeky, angry, grateful outsider to her Miss Popularity has kind of drawn to a halt now.

She’ll get over it 🙂

I might even have made a buddy out of Goatee Man (my last internet date) once he’s gotten over his hurt pride that is.

Good Parent/Higher Self – ‘Well done!  Keep it up!’



Use it, don’t lose it

I could do with doing a bit more cardio exercise, but my diet is better, I’m dancing, doing yoga, and since coming out of the last few days of hell, I feel very serene, calm and grateful.

Oh, and I’m off to a free running club tomorrow!  God, help me….

Good Parent/Higher Self – ‘About time!  Keep it up’



Dance like nobody’s watching

<sorry, I know, that’s pretty much a cringe-tastic 10 on the cliche Richter Scale….>

I am so loving my Ceilidh!   Trouble is these nights only happen once a month, so need to get my groove on more often than that….

Good Parent/Higher Self – ‘Try and find another ballroom class, and consider going back to salsa’



Everything in moderation

Fuck that’s boring, just typing that makes me want to go and get shitfaced….

But yes it’s true, I’m very moderate nowadays, even outside of home, and since my last migraine, I’ve lost a bit of my taste for booze anyway….


Good Parent/Higher Self – ‘Good stuff, leave the booze for socialising from now on!’



The only thing we have to fear is fear itself

OK, so I’ve really put some effort into this one this month.

I’ve applied to be an ‘ugly’ model, I’ve volunteered to be a sexual abuse line operator, offered to do voluntary work for a hospice, applied for a couple of charity jobs, but….

….no traction to date. 😦

Fuck, I can’t even give this good thang away!

On the plus side, I think I’m going to set up my own little baking business and see what happens; there are a couple of hurdles to get over in order to have it up and running, but I have to at least give it a try.

I won’t lie, irrational as it is, I’m still shit scared, but I’m going to push through this time.


Aunty C will duff me up if I don’t.

Good Parent/Higher Self – ‘I believe you and have faith in you.  Go for it!’



‘The One’

God, there are so many clichés to play with in this category, I’m in a spin….

I nearly went for that hideous adage ‘Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus’, only problem being, I thought that book was a pile of shite.

Men want to go off to their cave, women want to talk, men want to solve stuff but women just want to be listened to, yada, yada, yada, what a load of generalising, self-serving, patronising crap.

Either that, or I’m a bloke whose junk is still tucked away in my perineum somewhere…. 😉

I also considered ‘A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle’, but that would sound like (a) I don’t like men, and (b) I don’t want to find a life partner, when I do.  And whilst I’ve written off Goatee Man (for both of our sakes) and there is nothing else promising on the horizon, I did find myself fantasising about having an ”im indoors’ at home whilst I was going to meet a friend the other night.

Does this war torn, cynical old bat really believe in ‘The One’?

I’m not so silly as to believe that there  is only one and you have to find them because those odds would be really shit, but I believe and maintain that certain elements need to be in place before you should bother with trying to have a relationship with someone, i.e. they have to add value to your life, and you theirs.  Shit, at the very least, the pros should outweigh the cons.

Whilst from a long term perspective I haven’t been that lucky in love, but I have been cherished and have known obsession, lust, tenderness and love bordering on the supernatural, so I’m not willing to just settle for someone with ‘their own hair and teeth’ who’ll be my ‘plus one’, sit on the other end of the couch to me, and pay half the council tax, just for the sake of not being alone.

As for sex, whilst my efforts to meet someone were seriously derailed by something I remembered from my past this month (see ‘Rolling in the Deep’ posts under ‘Sexual Abuse’), I’ve worked and am working through that and am still open to meeting someone.  I’m just not that keen on getting ‘jiggy’ with anyone just yet, thats all.   Even myself.

In sum, I want my best friend, my soul mate, my love, and it seems like the hardest thing in the world to find. 😦

But me and internet dating are done.  It.  Doesn’t.  Work.

Good Parent/Higher Self – ‘That sounds like giving up to me, what are you going to do from a proactive point of view to find this man?’

Me – Dunno.  You’re just going to have to leave it with me.



A face only a mother could love

I’m trying to get comfortable with looking the way that I look, and whilst it isn’t quite as disgusting to me as it was before, I’m not anywhere near close to liking it.

Good Parent/Higher Self – ‘One day at a time….’



Don’t let the sun go down on your anger

I’m actually getting better at this and am learning not to stew or bear grudges.  I still have a temper when pushed and take no prisoners, but I get over things a whole lot more quickly than I used to.

Good Parent – ‘Namaste’



A memory like an elephant

I still keep forgetting about this!


Good Parent – Bail.’



No time like the present

Well, I’ve been making my own toiletries, preserves and, of course I’m still baking, but I do need to come out of my comfort zone a bit more though.

Good Parent – Sharing your writing as you, not Sista, and to a wider audience.  Look into a cake decorating workshop and start sewing and knitting again’ 



More than one way to skin a cat

Things have shifted on this and I’ve decided a way forward.

Whilst I think that the organisation and people who I’ve been training with have amazing knowledge and experience, what I’m learning is immensely valuable but not altogether marketable as it is very deep and intense, and most people who seek out yoga are more ass conscious than navel gazing, so I have to make sure I can satisfy both markets.

I’m also not keen on the cliquey/cultish aspect of it that seems to exclude or deride some other organisations/styles, so on Aunty C’s advise, I’ve parked the second part of my training with them and in the meantime I might do something more mainstream and practice all different styles along with my home practice to help me keep an open mind.

Good Parent – ‘Good plan!’


So the main elements that need more work are job/business, dating, bigger writing projects, and loving myself, the most challenging ones in other words!

But you know something, I’m not going to beat myself up about this because maybe I need to deal with what I’ve dealt with first in order to find myself, strengthen my resolve and trust my instinct to do what’s right for me.

Onwards and upwards.

Thanks for reading!

Namaste x



  1. Excellent progress, that’s amazing 🙂

  2. That’s a fab recovery plan! Positive times ahoy for you!! X

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