Phoenix Fights

Fighting the FEAR, depression and BDP on a daily basis AND making my own bread. Bring it on 2016….




What’s she got that I have not?

Well, as It turns out, quite a lot….


A past to envy

So filled with love

Not one you’d write a shit memoir of

Mum and Dad and siblings all smiling

Mine were somewhat less beguiling

God could not have smiled upon you more

You lucky, plucky girl next door


A popular kid

With lots of mates

Not the geek in the corner that everyone hates

A straight A student, the world at her feet

No reason to sweat, or fret or cheat

Parties, and ponies and school trips galore

Nothing’s too good for the sweet girl next door


A career to envy

Opportunities knocked

When every road I e’er travelled was blocked

Always the right place, always on time

A knack, as it happens, that never was mine

Just a smile to beguile and they could not ignore

That charming, disarming, girl from next door


And her good looks meant she had plenty of dates

But she never gave anyone reason to hate

Girls want to be like her, men want her so bad

To their mums she’s the daughter that they never had

A leader, a breeder, could you ever want more?

That moreish, non whoreish, girl next door


And given that she was so generously blessed

I’m guessing she’s never, ever depressed

So, sane as well as being a looker

Not a seething, fucked up, dark pressure cooker

Always happy, life’s never a chore

For that chirpy, perky, girl from next door


So how do I know that all this is true?

Well I saw a filmed tribute created by you

So now to my cost, I know the attraction

Is not just a result of a physical reaction


And hard as it was for me to sit there and stick

And watching it did make me feel kind of sick

I endured till the end, and to no real surprise

I finally saw her through your big brown eyes

And I had to admit, to my dismay

I’d want her too, if I happened to be gay


I still don’t know how it came to be

That she is she, and I am me

To God I cried out to, in my despair

‘How is this really even fair?’


‘Had I had her life

Supportive and kind

Would love, kids and happiness now be mine?

Would I be in the arms of a loving man

Who would do for me the best that he can

Would he gaze at ME with love and wonder

And let no woman put asunder?’


But God stays silent

God answers not

God doesn’t seem to care a jot

That it would been much better for me

Had she been I, and I been she


So I’ll move on

What else can I do?

There is just no use talking to

A Father that I could hold dear

If he stopped pretending not to hear


So I’ll close this book

I’ll shut this door

There isn’t anything to fight for

But one thing I now understand

I have no doubt that God’s a man


8 thoughts on “THE GIRL NEXT DOOR

  1. This really touched me, nearly brought me to tears because I can relate. I recently mused over those who have a chemistry more compatible to life. I have a cousin who grew up beautiful and spoiled. She became a professional with a lovely home. She dated professional football players, etc. But somehow she has always found solace in talking to me — somebody who represents depth and a perception that isn’t common to her in her search on this planet. That’s when I realized that the important thing is nurturing who I am and staying authentic. It’s hard but it works whenever I want to acknowledge and be more in the truth. This was a great post Sista!

    • Thank you xx

      It’s hard for me to imagine this woman ever having days like mine, but she probably has her low times like anyone else. But some people always land on their feet and get all they wish for and it makes me wonder why? Perhaps they got a life manual and we didn’t 😉

      Today has been a big off day, but I’ve just had a bath, half a tub of Haagen Dazs and feel a little better. Well I have a sugar high which cuts through the meds, and tomorrow’s another day, hey?

      • I wouldn’t believe this myself about some people getting all that they want if I hadn’t heard it from the horse’s mouth — a woman I know said she was used to things going her way. She isn’t a beautiful woman like my cousin but attractive and likable. Ah well… Gotta make the best out of the hand you’re given. Really, who knows what their struggles are like — I’m sure they have them despite the surface. Maybe they do have it better. Yes, believe it or not that “Day at a Time” thing works for me — I can regard the dark periods as clouds passing over and think of the next day as a fresh start where anything can happen. I hope things look up for you…

  2. I felt a little weird reading this because in middle and high school quite a few people (who were even more outcast than I) used to call me these things.

    I got good grades without really trying, except in math, where I could never rise above a B+. I got a decent part time job at 16, before most of my classmates. I had good community service records for my NHS before I was even in AP courses. I was raised in a an upper middle class home, and was able to donate my time to food pantries. I got local and state awards for my artwork, had a few poems published, was an Office Cadet for 4 years, and got excellent recommendations from the after school clubs I joined.

    But in spite of all of these accomplishments, I’d have given every one of them up for a loving home. Sometimes the grass only LOOKS greener… 😦

    • Take no notice of me Sophia, I’m just an angry, bitter old bag sounding off in my own personal pity party, instead of boring my friends with my ‘life’s not fair’ rants. Not attacking anyone, promise! 😉

      I agree, I didn’t get the encouragement or opportunities some did, but a loving upbringing and a bit of confidence could have trumped all that, but I didn’t get that either.

      I’m sure there’s a reason for it all, or not as the case may be :-s

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