What does my blog tell you about me?
Probably more than you’ll ever want or need to know
This blog, in the form of an anonymous online journal, is about my life, where I am now, what I need to do to make changes and how I take it forward into 2013 using anything at my disposal to make it not just bearable but hopefully a joy to live, as I’m something of a depressive, paranoid fuck up, and have scraped by for far too long.
2013 is make or break.
It may surprise you to know that I am not a nun who’s replaced her HRT with speed, who bounds around frenetically with small children, straining her spanx of a morning as per my photo; I choose to be anonymous because in life I am pretty paranoid, cynical and suspicious and for a variety of reasons I do not want people to know my innermost thoughts, dreams, hopes and fears.
- I don’t want to cause my loved ones any more anxiety than I already do, nor do I want to have to temper what I write because of this.
- I do not want acquaintances to know what is in my heart, as, sometimes as much as I’d like to be able to, I do not trust them or what they might do with such insights or information.
- Whilst I am currently studying something I love, I will probably have to find some form of conventional employment over the next year or two to fund everything, and depressives who suffer from panic attacks are not most top of the average head hunters list when it comes to putting people forward for interviews. I really do not want to go back into the corporate world, and the jury is out as to whether this will happen but until I am financially stable, I cannot have any more rumours going around about me than are already out there.
- Finally, be it loved one or some total wank rag, I do not want to intentionally hurt anyone with anything that I might say in this journal (actually, half of that sentence is a lie 😉 ). In real life I have a tongue like a cut throat razor which I wield to great effect when threatened, but I am a better person than that and am trying to get to a place where I no longer feel the need to fight my corner in order to feel safe.
Something happens to you when you rein in your emotions, and refuse to give of yourself and/or accept the love of others. It backs up within like a great body of water, straining against an over stressed, cracking, crumbling dam, demanding to be released and there are times when I honestly I feel that I could burst.
I have so much to give and there so much I could do for myself and others, if I had the wherewithal and courage, but it’s very difficult to let go. Aunty C* (more on her later) constantly gives out to me on this, so my aim this year is at the very least to slowly turn on the tap, take some pressure off, give out and let some good stuff in.
Aunty C* (see?) has, for 7 years pushed, pleaded, cajoled and begged me to dedicated time and energy to writing. I’ve ducked and dived and made umpteen excuses because I do not believe in myself, or that I have any talent, but this blog is the first commitment to regular writing that I have made for as long as I remember. My Christmas present to you C! And if it’s shit, well no one will know who really wrote it.
I think its fair to say that I’m pretty profane, especially when riled and/or mid rant, and whilst I sincerely hope that anyone who reads this is not offended, and whilst I do actually try to keep it to a minimum, I write as the words come out. Luckily I don’t have any ‘freshly pressed’ ambitions
Joking apart, this is my voice and in order to continue with this I have to be able to speak as I find. If it helps, I’ll use asterisks liberally whenever I remember…which isn’t often alas
Just to flag up, not everything is in real time:
Any documentation of my ‘episodes’ need to be tidied up as they are scrawled on a piece of paper mid attack and are not always coherent in the cold light of day.
On a more practical note, names and descriptions of people are sometimes disguised/changed and times and dates are switched around, in order to preserve my anonymity and therefore theirs too.
As of 6th January 2013, I have 4 people following this blog and I am pathetically excited about this. V grateful and hoping for more to come.
Namaste, peace and love
Sista Sertraline of the 7 Wounds xx
* Auntie C – my psychologist, counsellor, surrogate mother, aka the person who has kept me alive for the last 7 years and has never let me down. I dedicate this self indulgent twaddle to you x
UPDATE – August 14th
I am now past the half way point as we speak and this year has been something of a revelation to me. Nothing quite turns out the way you think it will, the going is still tough, but progress is being made
If you have been following me or plan to follow me, then you’ll have the dubious honour of knowing me more than my nearest and dearest, and to date, I have no regrets with regard logging my progress so far. There is something magical about writing things down, and the process has help dislodge all kinds of things from my battered old psyche, but more importantly the feedback, support and banter I’ve had on here has fortified, nurtured and helped me grow more than I can say.
Big love to you all xx