Phoenix Fights

Fighting the FEAR, depression and BDP on a daily basis AND making my own bread. Bring it on 2016….




I have just wasted the last frigging hour ranting on about someone else’s blogpost, when in reality, I knew it was one of my clever little avoidance tactics so that I can delay tackling what it is that I really need to say.

Here in the UK, the PR campaign is building for the new series of X Factor, but it is the Fear Factor that is dominating and, lets face it, has always dominated my thoughts.

Some Fear wisdom from Wiki:

Fear is an emotion induced by a perceived threat which causes entities to quickly pull far away from it and usually hide. It is a basic survival mechanism occurring in response to a specific stimulus such as pain or the threat of danger. In short, fear is the ability to recognise danger leading to an urge to confront it or flee from it (also known as the fight or flight response) but in extreme cases of fear, a freeze or paralysis response is possible.’

Have you ever been in a situation when you know that you behave in a certain fashion intellectually, but push it to the back of your mind?  Then you realise in your heart that you do this thing, but again, it’s too heavy/big/impossible to even think about confronting it?  Then one day, you decide to tackle it, but end up making a half arsed attempt at doing something about it?

Then one day, for whatever reason, it hits you like a ton of lead how much it’s actually impacting on your life?

Well that’s what happened to me the other day, and I realised that the Fear tends to impact on me in such a way that I end up stuck in various limbos where nothing ever progresses, so I really have to find a practical way to tackle it, as desire and willingness is clearly not enough.  

And if I can bring about change so that the Fear doesn’t continue to blight my life this way, I can re-channel my inner Aslan and change the world (well this small corner in South London at the very least….) instead of spend the majority my days in perpetual paralysis like a petrified faun.


Here are some examples of how my Fear Filled Mind works:

I need new flooring and have found a company who will do it fairly cheaply.  But they are a local business and not a chain, so what if they don’t do a good job?  I will not be able to take them to task or get them to do it properly. And what if I pay them and the next day they go bust?  And they might do a shitty job and I’ll be stuck with it.  What if they try and fob me off with cheaper carpet?  Also they might steal stuff from me, or steal my keys, torture my cats etc etc. 

You might think I’m joking but I’m not.  I have been trying to get this done for nearly a YEAR!

Next example:

I have a parcel that I need to take to the Post Office, so I consider parking at the local supermarket.  But it’s 20 minute customer parking only.  What if there’s a queue?  I’ll be late then I’ll get clamped.  Also I’d need to buy something from them, even though I don’t need anything, as they might have cameras checking if anyone not a customer.  Also it’s off street, so I might get mugged. Then I’ll lose my car, then I’ll be locked out, then they’ll use my credit cards, arse rape me etc etc…..

I then have to think where else I can park, and all the pitfalls of taking that course of action and by the time I’ve fretted and worried, and weighted up all the pros and cons, the Post Office is closed, the supermarket is closed because it’s CHRISTMAS, and I’ll probably put it off for at least a week before going through the same bloody rigmarole again.

So it doesn’t take a genius to realise that if I get my panties in a bunch over something as innocuous as parking at Tesco, imagine the state I get in when having to make or act on bigger, more impactful challenges or decisions?

The biggest challenge for me in tackling this behaviour is that I live alone and no one is there to talk me round, gee me up or shake me bodily till my teeth rattle when I go off on one.  So for the most part, I give into the Fear and lie low.

Where it’s safe.

And there I fester, and continue to fester.

I thought about this problem for days now and I’m still trying to figure out how to tackle it.


Ping an elastic band around my wrist when I feel the Fear creep up on me?

Grab a notepad when I start to panic and ‘talk’ myself down from the edge in writing?

Call someone?  Yep, my friends will love that, me jabbering away about whether or not to buy a carpet at 2am on a Sunday morning because I can’t sleep. Back to the drawing board on that one, methinks….

All joking aside, the biggest challenges I still have to tackle this year are directly influenced and impacted upon by the Fear and I’m over half way into the year, so drastic measures are needed.

Has anyone ever managed to effectively tackle feelings like this?


4 thoughts on “TURN TO STONE

  1. One of my favourite quotes is from the movie Van Wilder (I know, I know!): “worry is like a rocking chair: it gives you something to do but it doesn’t get you anywhere”. It’s been a line that’s stuck with me for years. I vaguely recall reading about a technique whereby you imagine all the worst scenarios and you rate them as how likely they are. I think it’s a CBT technique. In similar situations I’ve tried to go to the worst imaginable scenario and then asked myself “is this likely”. I also try to imagine the worst so anything less than that become almost good.

    Have you ever tried CBT? I’m on a waiting list right now.

    • I know all this stuff intellectually, but in action it’s like trying to stop a runaway train :-s

      I had CBT once, but the practitioner wasn’t very good and assailed me with pie charts and graphs which reminded me of my corporate past, not a great start!

      The rating idea is a great suggestion so I’ll try and put that into action the next time I go into one (in about an hour when I go out probably 😉 ) and let you know how I get on.

      Thanks so much for responding to this, much appreciated xx

      • Yeah, do keep us posted! We are all in it together. Hopefully your readers will one day soon read your post about sitting at home admiring your new carpet 🙂

        I’m waiting for NHS CBT so hopefully I’ll eventually be able to report back on how good/bad their service is. My GP also mentioned they have a mindfulness group – maybe your area has one too.

      • I’ll check it out x

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