Phoenix Fights

Fighting the FEAR, depression and BDP on a daily basis AND making my own bread. Bring it on 2016….




So…I didn’t get the abuse helpline job.

As you can imagine, I was pretty disappointed, so I asked for some feedback.

You can guess what they said can’t you?

Yup, that’s right, they were concerned as to whether I would be able to cope with such calls, given that I suffer from depression.

And I understand, I really do.  I even hesitated to be up front with them about it, but thought I should be honest and forthright given the nature of the role.

It….well….it just seemed so right for me somehow.  I have so much love and help to give, and I don’t want to die with it all still lodged here untapped inside me, so if I can stop others  from letting pain, anger and fear blight their lives, I want to find a way to do it.

But maybe emotional intelligence, experience of the same kind of abuse and the desire to help really isn’t enough in this instance.  I know the person interviewing me liked me, so I just have to believe and trust that she’s turning me down for my own good.

So much for ‘Ta da!’.  Not a happy wabbit right now.  😦

The question is, moving forward, when it comes to other interviews, both as a volunteer and/or for paid work, should I be as ‘me’ as I was last time?

In other words, should I always be up front about my condition if/when appropriate or necessary?

If I was going back into a corporate environment (that’s a ‘Hell-to-the-No!’ as things stand, by the way) there is no way I’d ‘expose my child’, as Aunty C would say, to anyone in that world again under any circumstances, but I have another volunteer opportunity coming up (which isn’t anything like as heavy as the one I’ve been turned down for) and if asked, should I be transparent with them?

Fellow fruitcakes who follow this blog (and you know that I use this term as a compliment and with love), what do you think?  What have you done in the past, and what would you do in my position right now?

In the meantime, there are far worse things happening in the world than my little disappointment, plus there is a big slice of plum crumble cake with my name on it, which I’ll have with a big mug of tea, which is far better than 70cl of neat gin, doncha think? 😉

Let’s hope God has something else in store for me with regard to my making a difference in this world…..

Namaste x

P.S.  BTW I’m keeping the TK Maxx shopping, OK?!


13 thoughts on “‘AND THIS IS ME’ PART 2 – TO BE OR NOT TO BE?

  1. I think you can be you without revealing every aspect of what that means. Something like, “I have experience with depression and trauma. This experience makes me extremely empathetic. While I am aware that I sometimes attach too closely, the positive is that I am deeply caring and compassionate.” My limited experience of you from reading your blog is that you put yourself out there in situations that are potentially risky. I think it would be very courageous of you to put yourself out there, but in situations that are more controlled, safe, and supportive of you.

  2. You trusted your gut instinct and you told them. I think it was the right thing to do. As you said, if this was a corporate decision and you wouldn’t have told them if it was. Neither would I. Based on this experience, I think you’ll know when it is or is not the right thing to do.

  3. Hey Sista. I’m sorry that you didn’t get the position. Don’t let it knock you down – I do firmly believe that what’s for ya won’t pass ya. This just wasn’t meant to be your “thing” I reckon.

    I’ve actually always wanted to be a counsellor. I was all fired up to do it when I sat down and really thought about it. I was always under the impression that suffering from a disorder and having experienced what it’s like to be “on the couch” made me ideal, but the more I thought about it the more I realised my situation made me totally unsuitable. It’s hard enough to deal with my own crap every day, without having to do it after a full day of helping others deal with their crap. And the scope to be affected by what I’m hearing is too great a risk. Plus the danger of not being able to separate my experiences from the theory, and letting it cloud my application of therapeutic methods, worried me. A friend works for the Samaritans and I asked her about it. She wouldn’t say much, as it’s in their code, but she did say that some nights she goes home and wants to drink herself into oblivion or she cries herself to sleep over some of the things she hears. And almost always there is nothing she can do – as she drives home she knows very well that the person she spoke with is being beaten, raped, starved, etc. at the same time as she is driving up to her semi-d in a nice neighbourhood.

    In all honesty, though it’s hard to say, I think the lady interviewing you may have done you a kindness. Just as my friend’s brutal honesty with me was a kindness. I hope you don’t mind me saying so.

    Which is not to say that you shouldn’t help people, just perhaps not in such a direct way that could set you back on your own journey. Have you ever thought about working with the recovering rather than the suffering? For example, instead of dealing with the abuse calls which could be very difficult for those of us with our own issues, perhaps you could volunteer with a shelter for abused women? Helping them to rebuild their lives from a more practical approach, while they are able to seek counselling from others. Or perhaps there’s a group that works with people suffering from mental illness or homelessness, helping them to find employment (your corporate history would be SO beneficial here), practice work skills, apply for housing, etc. Even just a day centre where they hang out and socialise would need people to help. I’m currently constrained by my work schedule but I am looking into doing some voluntary work in areas that I can actually make a contribution, i.e. IT training, presentation skills, CV help….maybe not exactly what I thought of as “helping people” but I still think I can use the skills I have to help at least one person.

    Hmm….sorry, more of an essay than a comment 🙂

    • Thank you so much for taking the time and effort to do this.

      One of my friends thinks i was fobbed off for being depressive, but i don’t think that at all. The lady was worried whether I could cope and like you say, she could have a point. I thought I could handle a couple of days a month which is what it would have consisted of, but who knows? I too might have hit the bottle as cruelty of any kind horrifies me, but I thought it would be good for my evolution and that I’d be good at it. And I might be. One day.

      I was told I could apply again at a later date, but I will see what happens with the next role when I got to the induction later this month, but you have made some great suggestions if this doesn’t work out.

      I’ll find my way, when the big man upstairs deems it so, and I’ve resisted the gin so far this evening! 😉

      Thanks again lovely


      • Let us know how you get on with the induction. I’ve never been to one so I’ll be interested to hear how “off putting” they are. As in, do they really show the role warts and all to make sure those who continue beyond the induction know what they’re in for? Or do they treat it as a PR exercise?

        I’m really glad you are persevering with your quest – I am fully convinced that you will find the right opportunity for you and where you are in your life. And then I look forward to reading all your posts about it!

  4. You know what? I have suffered depression, too. I have bursitis, tendonitis, arthritis, carpal tunnel and a wicked sense of humour. The only thing that people can work out from my job interviews is that I have a good sense of humour. The rest of my shit is not their problem. If you get a job and then it turns out that it does affect your depression, then perhaps seek another job or request counselling at the one you are at. Basically I think it was good you were upfront, but you really do not need to be. This gives the interviewer grounds to judge you on things other than your expert skills for the position. I’m sure something else will come along that will be awesome.

  5. Sista, I absolutely adore you… However, I have no guidence for you. Lol. I have been placed in the same situations within my looking for work, in my early sobriety years. The fact that i belong to a wondeful set or organizations, fellowships, business meetings, and even for 2 years, committee leader; are things I always wanted to include in my ‘skills’. But, there are simply parts of this world that dont understand there are many stages of addiction and recovery, so the mind-set and past experience of the ‘interviewer’ –pretty much has your ass in their hands. HeHeHe!
    A few times I told the truth, for the first elwhile I told everyone! Its an exciting time, finally being clear eyed & bushie tailed with enthusiasm for a ‘new life’ & I wanted to share it!! It back fired many times. Other times, it created better deeper relationships with my work fellows; but only when the job responsibility was directly related to my ‘recovery skills’…
    I think you did the right thing to offer up the truth at this past interview.
    I also know when it comes to working in the ‘recovery’ or ‘absive relationship counselling’ work arenas: our province recommends being a minimum two years completely detached and away from being involved in that type of ‘lifestyle’.
    I dont know if that helps.
    My Mother always tells me that “your honesty is your biggest flaw” jeanine, she says … Tell it like it is Momma! Thats Me! Best wishes and blessings to you my far far far away friend ;~>

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s