Phoenix Fights

Fighting the FEAR, depression and BDP on a daily basis AND making my own bread. Bring it on 2016….


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THE SUN ALWAYS SHINES ON TV

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I’ve hit the wall, and this I know

For me there’s just one room to go

Whilst there are places I could be

I’d rather stay and watch TV

Seconds, minutes hours and days

Are eaten up as I betray

All that I could work to be

But, I’m here, my dear, watching TV

Am I lazy?  Is it fear?

Or pain that keeps me sitting here?

Just how fucked up can I be?

God how I long just to be free

Of sleeping, waking, eating, shitting

And find a place that is more fitting

For a creature such as me

Who pores, eyes sore, at her TV

But I can’t keep on being a slob

As soon I’ll need to get a job

And walk the wheel, and watch the clock

And hope that opportunity will knock

Before despair devours my brain

And sends me totally insane

But today is not that day

And while I sit and watch, I pray

That I can get out on my own

And try and make this earth my home

But today, I will not move

As I don’t have the strength to prove

Anything to you or me

So I will stay and watch TV

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PITY PARTY TRACK 14 – LONELY BOY The Black Keys

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I’m playing this for you because (a) I’m lonely, (b) I’m doing NOTHING to help myself, (c) I really love this song, and best of all (d) this dude sure has some MOVES on him!

My dance goes like this: Three steps forward, two steps back, one to the side and dosey fucking doe, at least his looks like FUN…..

Arrghhh! Bored of myself and bored of boring you, bet you’ll be glad when the end this year AND this blog comes….

Enjoy xx


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TRIKONASANA TALES 8 – …..GOD BUT DID YOU EVER TRY?

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Readers, things did not turn out quite the way I’d hoped.

It is now over a week since I decided to stay off my anti depressants, and whilst I didn’t expect it to be easy, after a few days of continued abstinence I was flooded with self hatred, despair, a relentless, all consuming sense of hopelessness so I crawled into my pit, burrowed deep, hid for 48 hours, and truly wished that God, Buddha, anyone would raise a mighty hand, reach down and pluck me from this world forever, or at the very least, squash me like a bug with a meaty thumb and put me out of my misery once and for all.

I’ve been on my Sertraline for so long, I’d forgotten how poorly I really was.

If it wasn’t for my cats who jumped on me, laid on me, knocked things off the dressing table and pawed my face and butted me, their little eyes suffused with concern (and not just because they wanted their dinner) I’d still be there now.

Suffice to say, once I did emerge, I reached shakily in my drawer for ‘Big Sista S’ and have gradually been able to manage my pain, subdue the self hatred and tamp down the sadness, and I am now feeling a little more even and grounded.

Looking back, I think I managed to cope in Spain because (a) it was early days (b) I was surrounded with people and activities so didn’t really get the opportunity to sink into oblivion and (c) I was in such a loving, spiritual environment, that it somehow helped me cope with what was, in hindsight, a pretty rough week.

I’m sad it didn’t work.

But I’m not ashamed of myself.

I tried, and no doubt will try again.

When the time is right i.e. when I have built a bigger and better life for myself and have more support and less time and opportunity to fall down that horrible rabbit hole from hell.

As for my time at the retreat, maybe I’d have had a nicer time had I remembered to take my meds, but it is what it is and I have come away with some valuable action points.

 

YOGA

Yoga, as I’ve always suspected, is key to my recovery and future equilibrium.

Earlier this year, I managed to let a couple of hippified mean girls and an intrusive, wannabee couch surfing Guru https://sistasertraline.wordpress.com/2013/01/19/reach-out-and-touch-faith-update/ put me off finishing my training and even doing yoga at all, so my daily practice had floundered, but now I’ve got back on track I’m not going to drop the ball again.

I will keep it up this time but knowing how important the group aspect of this is to me, I’m going to go to all kinds of classes, cherry pick the best things from all of them, finish my training with Guru and co next year (that will be a yoga blog to remember!) then teach my own personal style and not the style I’m told to teach.

Starting with tonights Iyengar class at my local shala.  I don’t want to go, for whatever reason, but I will go.  And again.  And again.  And etc.

 

MIXING WITH THE ‘NORMALS’

Whilst this wasn’t altogether comfortable and didn’t go as well as I’d hoped, I WAS off my medication so would hope that I’d be less sensitive in a similar scenario now that I’m back on it, so the test was kind of botched really.

Still I survived, and am in touch with one of my fellow guests at least, so I have no excuse to hibernate at home with my cats when I can be out and about, making more friends, if only I try.

 

KNOWING MYSELF

Something Inca, the bonging mystic brought up in my reading was not believing that I know myself and guessing that I was not able to go within via meditation.

I thought I knew myself, warts and all, but perhaps she means the divine part of me that doesn’t hate itself the way I do.  And she’s right about the meditation, I love the idea of it and rather hypocritically espouse the practice to others at any given opportunity, but I put the brakes on all the time because something about it scares me.

Because there might not be anyone home?

Because there might be someone home?

Because I might miss ‘Real Housewives of Menopausia’?

Not sure.

But I agree that i need help with this one, so I’m going to try and find a group to meditate, chant and do some chakra wotsit with.

Preferably one that doesn’t howl like they’ve been disembowelled and spray me with ‘Venus’, aka watered down market stall scent. https://sistasertraline.wordpress.com/2013/07/22/the-new-moon-commune/

 

FORGIVING

Ah this old chestnut again….

Ms Inka was also right about this too.  Whilst I’m a whole lot better than I was about actively forgiving people and not holding resentment in my heart, there are a couple of new and very old bits of shrapnel stuck in there that might take some time to totally remove, so I need to think about how to get those out, once and for all.

Any surgeons out there at all….

 

WRITING

As you may have gathered, these posts weren’t uploaded ‘live’ so to speak.  I did try to blog whilst out there but every time I settled in a nice sunny little spot and got typing, someone would clomp over, poke their head over my shoulder, zoom in on my fledgling article and go ‘Duh, whatya writin’?’ causing me to jab my iPad so hard, I nearly knocked it into the pool such was my haste to switch applications, causing said intruder, sorry, fellow yogi to look at mite suspicious re who and what I was writing about.

Yes, if you’re reading FY (unlikely) I was writing about YOU, ya big Dufus!

But God, I missed it doing my daily journal.

This is great news as, prior to this year it would have taken an SAS officer armed with a cattle prod to drag me to my laptop and make me write anything and now it is totally second nature.

Yay me!

 

MIGRAINE & MASSAGE

I have grouped these two together as I think one will definitely alleviate the other, so I need to find a South London ‘Sadie’ and see her once a month.

How will I finance that?  Don’t know but God willing, I will find the way.

I’ve also been referred to a dental hospital as my chap reckons it’s a lot to do with my hideous teeth so I’m taking whatever help I can get.

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DIET

On the day I returned to this cloudy shores, I realised I’d gained about four pounds of blubber, plus I had a big sugar/complex carb/large portions of food addiction to get over, and have only just got back to normal eating this week.

So whilst I loved the food at the retreat, and will eat more plant based meals, I do not plan to set up my own poo plant in Sarf London by continuing to eat my own body weight in potatoes, cake, rice, nuts and swede every fricking day.

Thank God that mail train has started to slow down now….

 

A BEAUTIFUL RIDE

It would be very easy to fall back on the notion that everything in Spain is wonderful and beautiful and everything in London is grey and grim and give myself permission to be a bit gloomy, but that is not actually so.

I just seemed more able and open to the beauty around me whilst in that area, but to paraphrase Ricky Fitts  ‘There is so much beauty in the world’ and not necessarily where you expect to find it.

Sure I live in a city, but there are parks, and shops, and countryside is less than an hour by car from where I live, so I’m going to try and notice those little gems of wonderfulness peeking out from behind the bricks and concrete from now on.

And I want to ride again!  I loved my afternoon with naughty Major so much, and whilst I know that the Spanish mountains are a hard act to follow, we have beauty spots all over Britain and it’s going to be my job to find them.

I’ll just need to buy some of those Spanx  ‘big booty’ knickers with gel in them to protect my bony old backside, and then there’ll be no stopping me!

 

LOVE

Ms Inca of the Bong asked me if I’d ever been truly loved.

Dunno.

But the question has stayed with me.  Annoyingly.

Apart from some romantic love (which is mainly about sex innit?), I don’t think I really have, well I haven’t felt it in any case.

And rather annoyingly Inca reiterated Aunty C’s belief that I have to do it for myself.

By going within.

Presumably to look for my Chakras, the Good Parent, Unloved Child, the Judging Parent, Lord Lucan and all that lot.

I’d like to feel loved.

So I’m going to try.

So it’s back to reality.

 

Thanks for coming with me on my retreat journey (sorry, that was very X Factor – please don’t vomit onto your keyboard) and I hope to continue with what I learned moving forward.

Namaste xxx

https://sistasertraline.wordpress.com/2013/09/15/trikonasana-tales-rain-drain-brain/

https://sistasertraline.wordpress.com/wp-admin/post.php?post=13216&action=edit

https://sistasertraline.wordpress.com/2013/09/18/trikonasana-tales-3-you-better-know-yourself-little-girl/

https://sistasertraline.wordpress.com/2013/09/20/the-long-way-home/

https://sistasertraline.wordpress.com/2013/09/23/trikonasana-tales-5-hurt-me-sadie-one-more-time/

https://sistasertraline.wordpress.com/2013/09/23/trikonasana-tales-6-i-think-its-all-over-it-is-now/

https://sistasertraline.wordpress.com/2013/09/24/trikonasana-tales-7-kick-it-quit-it/


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TRIKONASANA TALES 7 – KICK IT, QUIT IT…..

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I’m sat here achy and exhausted on my bed, surrounded by sweaty clothes, squished sandals, duty free bags and a delighted, purring cat (the other one is sulking), and the answer is sitting here right in the palms of my hands.

My meds.

I’d stopped taking my meds.

I knew of course that I hadn’t taken them the day after my migraine as I never do because I’m terrified that additional drugs will dehydrate me even more, which would only serve delay my recovery and prolong the agony.

Trouble is, because the week was busy and I was out of my home routine, I didn’t take them for the rest of the week either.

Which may account for some of the aches and pains, the heart palpitations and the mad DT style nightmares about my ex boss and workmates.

G has a theory.

‘Because you starting taking sertraline all the way through and after the shitstorm, it’s only now that you’ve stopped taking it that you’re actually feeling what you were meant to feel at that time, so it only protected you from the worst of it temporarily, and now you’re starting to get drug free, it’s open season and it’s all coming out!’

What?

After everything I’ve been through, the horrors are all just waiting in the wings until that day arrives that I’m drug free, then they burst right out of that closet and bombard me with that shit again?

Great.

Just great.

I’d like to dismiss G’s theory, but I know in my heart that it makes perfect sense.  Along with the whole forgiveness malarky, but I’ll look at that further down the line.

Sooo, in the meantime….<drum roll>…..

I’ve decided to stay off them and see what happens.

Let’s face it I’ve gone this far, and would very much like to get everything from my past out of my system once and for all, as whilst I don’t mind the odd nightmare, this one is getting very boring indeed.

I know I’m taking a risk as my doctor told me not to do any such thing without talking to her first (plus I had no intentions of giving up ‘Big Sista’ at that time), but another week won’t hurt.

Will it?

Well, I’m about to find out.

Wish me luck and sweet dreams everyone, cos home is where the nightmare is…..

https://sistasertraline.wordpress.com/2013/09/15/trikonasana-tales-rain-drain-brain/

https://sistasertraline.wordpress.com/wp-admin/post.php?post=13216&action=edit

https://sistasertraline.wordpress.com/2013/09/18/trikonasana-tales-3-you-better-know-yourself-little-girl/

https://sistasertraline.wordpress.com/2013/09/20/the-long-way-home/

https://sistasertraline.wordpress.com/2013/09/23/trikonasana-tales-5-hurt-me-sadie-one-more-time/

https://sistasertraline.wordpress.com/2013/09/23/trikonasana-tales-6-i-think-its-all-over-it-is-now/


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TRIKONASANA TALES 6 – I THINK IT’S ALL OVER….IT IS NOW….

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It’s the last day full day at the retreat today, and I feel a combination of sadness, relief and a deep, fundamental dissatisfaction, as whilst my yoga has improved and my passion for it reawakened, my fears of mixing with people I didn’t know for a week and not fitting in were well and truly founded, so I am not, as I hoped I’d be, reassured that I am ready to venture out into the big wide world as a fully socialised adult again.

It’s not the retreat owner’s fault though.  

I mean they didn’t advertising, ‘yoga, meditation, great food and a chance to make your nutty self more acceptable to a broader section of society’, did they?’

I’m ready to go home. 

But I’ll so miss this beautiful place, the yoga, my teacher, my sadistic masseur and the resident retreat cat who has stepped into the shoes, sorry, paws of my boys whilst I’ve been here and always comes by to yowl a greeting and get his daily cuddle.  I may keep in touch with one or two of the other guests, but long term it’s unlikely, and I feel myself detaching more and more from them, even my bathroom/toilet sharing neighbour.

Any chance of making friendships for live is now pretty much over.

That’s another thing I won’t miss; the food.  It is delicious and ‘healthy’ in it’s way but they serve way too much of it, and I feel a bit like a foie gras goose whose liver is about to explode.  My jeans are tourniquet tight, and I have a dimply, porridgy muffin top, so I’ll be back on animal flesh, wine and bread when I get home as I want my figure back, plus it will be great to stop pooing all the time!

Nor will I miss those creepy dreams of the ole Ginger Minger, have yet to figure out what that is all about.

The majority of us stay around the pool for the day, hoping to make the most of the sunshine before going home, but clouds are never far away and a sense of unease breaks out as we all give up the ghost and head off to our rooms to start our packing so that we just have to shove in today’s clothes before heading off to the airport in the morning.

The last big hurdle I have to tackle before heading back to Blighty is the looming threat of a bit of Ecstatic Dancing as a last night send off.  

There is no getting out of this one, as (a) I’d suggested it to the Manager (on arrival, when I thought I might make ‘friends’ to play with – ha!), (b) she’d gone out of her way to set it up, (c) it’s now being hailed as the highlight of the evening, so like it or not I was going to have to get my groove on tonight.

Before that though, was the Last Supper.

I’d told myself this morning that I’d only eat half of whatever was served tonight, so that I could give my poor old guts a break, but when it came to it, it looked so delicious, and it was our last proper meal, so I end up scoffing it all down and ended up with a nice big ‘post Christmas Dinner’ sized belly full of impacted mulch, so couldn’t wait for things to get started so I could swing my pants!

Not.  😦

And when the time came, I shamefully slope off to my room to ‘change my shoes’, but our teacher, sensing passive rebellion touched my arm gently and assured me that she’d wait for me before starting so the die was cast.

Whilst there was no one I was really close enough to enjoy bouncing around like a twat with, thankful we put in place a ‘no cameras’ rule, the room was pretty dark so I thought sod it, threw caution to the wind and went for it.

And it was fun!

Unlike that New Moon thingy I went to, the music was well chosen, great to dance to, and soon everyone was getting down with their bad selves.  Miss NFEFM (see yesterday’s post) was predictably the biggest show off of all, but it was so dark even she shelved behaving like a dick after 10 minutes or so, and I soon managed to lose myself in the music and even exchanged smiles with some of the others as we flitted passed each another on the dance floor.

Ironically, what enabled me to do this was my ‘fuck ‘em, I don’t care’ attitude, and for their part I don’t think they’d ever seen me so animated for the entire holiday.  Most of them were 5 rhythms virgins, and it was a pleasure to see them lose their initial inhibitions and really get into it.

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We prance around, whooped, swung, pirouetted and cheered, and finally the music went into stillness when we curled up on the floor, or stood swaying, chanting ‘Om Namah Shivaya’.

And as the chant penetrated my psyche the meaning rang true, that true consciousness dwells in us all; I am them, they are me and there is more that binds than separates us and I should see God within them and not fight it or judge them so much.

Or anyone for that matter.

As the music ended, we all got to our feet and a couple of them ran over to thank me for suggesting the activity and said how much they had enjoyed themselves.

I was elated that we had finally connected in some way.  

Perhaps some of us will become and remain friends beyond these walls?

‘I did feel a bit stupid at first’ one of the more prim, proper girls confessed, ‘but it’s the last day and no one was looking at me anyway!’

‘Exactly!’ I enthused, ‘And the best part of it is that it doesn’t matter anyway as you never have to see any of these people ever again!’

Stunned silence slipped into the atmosphere like an anchor into a cold, dark sea…..

Whoopsie.

Think I pretty much killed that moment…..

Their faces are a picture and I almost get the giggles, but you know what?

I might have been clumsy, tactless or whatever, but I had spoken my truth, and had not meant to deliberately hurt anyone.

So I brazened it out, laughed it off in their cold faces, bid goodbye to my wonderful yoga teacher and headed off to bed.

You think it’s all over?

Yup, me too….

Onwards and upwards.

Bags packed.

Sleep in, then only breakfast, then taxi to the airport and journey home to get through.

Bring it on.

Namaste x

 

 

 

 


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TRIKONASANA TALES 5 – HURT ME SADIE, ONE MORE TIME

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It’s the day after horse riding, my arse cheeks feel like hamburger, and if I’d thought I’d activated every muscle known to man in the last few days, apparently there are a few new riding relevant ones that are feeling the burn today.

The only place I feel comfortable is in the hammock and I’m mincing around like a de-Zimmered pensioner, so it’s time for that massage, methinks.

‘Are you sure you are up for it?’ asks the lovely, concerned Manager whilst my yoga teacher screws up her nose and bears her teeth in a most unnerving, off putting grimace, ‘Sadie is great but rather, well, vigorous…’

That may well be the case, but I like a proper hands on skin massage and the only other option is a man who does the Thai version, where I’m told, you get poked with a stick and I’m afraid anyone who did that to me today would be taking their life in their hands.

I’m under no illusion that this will be anything other than a painful 90 minutes, but I’m braced and ready.

‘Oh, you’re having a “Sadie” this afternoon Sista, aren’t you?’ coos one of the girls at me over lunch, ‘Lucky you, she’s really good, and not too firm at all!  Well,’ she puffs her chest out in a pseudo butch fashion, ‘she wasn’t firm enough for me!’

I arrange my features in a feeble attempt at an amused rictus and nod weakly.

How lonely I feel amongst  these ‘normals’; if I were with my real friends, I would be able to sound off about how, in some ways, I’d prefer Sadie to pick one of those prickly pears off that tree and slam it up my arse instead of pummel the crap out of me, because I’m so fucking sore, but am conscious that they think I’m a hypochondriac, so I keep schtum.

Sensing that, despite my faux enthusiastic grin, that I am less than keen to be Sadie’d, Ms Not-Firm-Enough-For-Me turns swiftly to the person next to her and irritates the shit out of her instead with her ‘I love everything’ bollocks.

When the allotted time comes, I limp down to the treatment suite and with great trepidation, knock on the door.

I am greeted by a tall, lean, Aussie version of Madge from ‘Benidorm’ with the bluest eyes I have ever seen.

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‘Aw, hi there!’ she bawls in gravelly tones, breaking out a dazzling toothy smile, ‘you must be Sista!  Well come on in, don’t be shy!’

I like her immediately so I shamble in and slowly sit down.

‘Ah you’re the one who gets migraines aintcha, thought you looked a bit crook!  What else has bin goin’ on?’

Again, I don’t want to bore off about my conditions, but I give her a bit of a quick potted history on my physical ailments and she nods whilst simultaneously taking a deep drag on a rather dubious looking rollie, exhaling smoke out the window as she listens.

‘Mate, that’s no good is it?  OK, let’s get ya kit off and on the couch, face down I think.’

For a moment, I don’t think she’s going to leave, then she starts, stubs her fag out, puts it into a little tin in her patchwork bag, and goes out of the room whilst I daintily disrobe, carefully clipping my hair atop of my head so I don’t get any oil in it, then ease myself painfully upon the couch.

This turns out to be a complete and total waste of time, as the minute she enters the room, she unclips my hair, quickly and firmly massages my scalp then mutters something, grabs a plastic bottle and the next minute I gasp in shock as she dashes what feels like about a cupful of Rosemary water/oil all over my bonce.

God, it stinks.

They say Rosemary is good for remembering stuff, well I’m going to start recalling past lives right back to Stone Age if she chucks anymore of this stuff on me.

That said, this was the calm before the storm.

The minute she starts work on me, I feel my muscles contract with pain.

I remain silent.

I will not be a whinging pom.

I would appreciate a rubber block to bite on though, and wonder if she’s got one in that little bag of tricks of hers.

‘Oh my Gawd!’ she suddenly bawls, ‘What is goin’ on here?’

I unclamp my jaw and reiterate my history of war wounds.

‘Yes babe, I know, but seriously, you are in bad shape!  Everything is rock hard!  This is not good, not good!  How the hell did ya get like this?’

And suddenly, right there and then, I feel like I’m with a friend.

I don’t have to pretend that I’m OK!

Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t convince this woman that I’m not in pain.  She knows just from palpating me that I’m not a hypochondriac, but a HSP with a history of serious physical ailments/injuries, a migraine sufferer, a teeth grinder and generally a big, gristly, sinewy ball of tension despite being on enough medication to stun a gorilla.

Suddenly her face appears at my shoulder, and like a blonde Little Bill to my knackered, oily Ned Logan, she solemnly tells me that she’s going to have to hurt me.

Not gentle like before.

But bad.

Gulp.

But I’m determined to go with it, because I know it’s for my own good.

Suffice to say, Sadie is not prone to exaggeration; it fucking hurts, especially when she works on my head, neck and, especially my jaw.

‘OH MY GAWD!’ she shrieks, ‘This is TERRIBLE!  How do you LIVE?!’

And somehow, through the pain, I actually manage to laugh at this, with relief, gratitude and genuine affection.

She, along with Aunty C, gets it.

Truly gets it.

‘Chick ya gotta let me in!  Now take in deep breaths and when you let ‘em out, go ‘Ahh’ and let your tongue flop out.’

‘Ahhhhh…..AAAGGGHHH, OOWWW!!

‘Tongue Sista, tongue!’

‘AL LLL, LLLL LLL, LLL…’

Jesus H C, I’ve never known pain like it.

‘AHH, LLLL, FUCK!!, LLL, LLL, LLL, AHH!’

‘Language Timothy’ she says rather randomly and we both giggle inanely.

‘Are you OK, well I can see you’re not?  I’m sorry babe, do ya want me to keep goin’?’

Strangely enough I do.  Because whilst I might have the audacity to moan about my pain and woes sometimes, I AM NO PUSSY.

So the next fifteen minutes consist of lots of ear splitting ‘AHHH’s’ and ‘OOHH’s’ and ‘OWWs’ ‘GAWD’s’  and ‘BLLL, LL, LL’s’ as my tongue alternately lolls and stiffens in agony like an unhappy cross between a Maori Warrior and Mylie Cyrus on speed.

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God only knows what the people outside think is going on.

She ends the session with about ten minutes of soothing (well for her, anyway) effleurage and a ruffle of my hair as she leaves the room and waits for me to get up and get dressed.

I am absolutely exhausted, and think I’m in shock.

Sadies comes back into the room, blue eyes concerned, not altogether happy.

‘I haven’t gotten all the way in Sista, but I’ve made some headway?  How ya feelin’?  Is it any better?’

I tell her that it is and thank her, but I can’t actually tell as my nerve endings have made a mass exodus to a ‘happy place’ and don’t return for a good hour.

‘OK, but don’t stop now y’hear?  Find someone good in London and get regular treatment as you are not in good shape babe.  I know you left your job, but you’re still in knots and nothing is worth being in that kinda pain, ya hear?’

God I love this woman.

‘Thanks for nearly killing me and making me babble like a one year old!’

‘Jeez, don’t put that down in my visitors book, willya?’

We both laugh, she gives me a hug, and I shuffle back to the retreat, hit the hot tub (forgetting in my haste to take the requisite shower and I’m still smelling like a lamb roast, but FUCK IT, I don’t care), shower off and go for a snooze in my friend the hammock.

Later at dinner, I find myself sat across from, yes you’ve guessed it, the ever chirpy Ms NFEFM.

Next time I’m bringing in contraband booze as it’s the only way I can tolerate wankers like her without wanting to beat that Pollyanna shit out of them with my yoga belt.

‘How was your massage Sista?’ she asks, ‘Was it lovely, like mine?’  She looks around proudly to see if anyone is listening again.

No it wasn’t you dumb bitch, and neither was yours.

I have no intention of playing her pathetic macho game.

‘It hurt like fuck I reply, giving enough emphasis to that last word to make her choke on her onion bahji starter, ‘but she was brilliant.’ 

And I stare her out, daring her telepathically to roll her eyes at me one more time.

She doesn’t.

And the next day, whilst I wasn’t skipping up the path to the yoga shala, I was feeling a whole lot better.

So there you go.

So, for anyone who has ever thought that I have ever exaggerated, faked or pretended to have these ailments, I’m going to momentarily borrow Spike Milligan’s gravestone epitaph:

‘I told you I was ill’

😉

Namaste x


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TRIKONASANA TALES 4 – THE LONG WAY HOME

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It’s a long way down.

My steed, unable to resist temptation, has stopped abruptly to snatch a mouthful of wild fennel, and had I been less stable, he might have jerked me out of my seat and on the fast track to meet my maker as we are inches from the edge.

But he didn’t and I wasn’t, and my heartbeat gradually normalises again as I gaze at the beauty of the valley below whilst Major chomps away contentedly.

‘Sista!  Come on!  You’re lagging behind!  Pull him away firmly, he needs to know who’s boss!’

Yeah, I think he’s already across that, thanks.

‘C’mon gorgeous.’  I carefully pull him back with the reins, reluctant to hurt his mouth as he no doubt, inwardly sniggers at my wimpy efforts, and decides of his own volition to take pity on me, keep up with the party and move on.

He’s a big old hombre is Major.  I thought they’d give me a little pony/donkey/armchair hybrid, given my lack of experience as a rider, but I got the tallest one in the stable, and as much as I was keen to experience riding in the mountains, there was a good minute where I had considered asking someone for an extendable ladder, sliding guiltily off his massive back and taking a taxi back to the retreat.

And if I’d known the route we’d be taken, i.e. not a nice man made path but pretty rugged terrain, almost vertical in places, I wouldn’t have even taken a minute.  I’d have been outta here faster than greased weasel shit.

I’m so glad I didn’t bail though.

Because after that initial shaky start, I realised that I was in good hands, and distracted by the spectacular views, revitalised by the smell of wild flowers and herbs, and soothed by the steady thunk of hooves on rock I realise I’m feeling the best I have so far since leaving Blighty.

It’s the first day I haven’t wanted to go home.

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This steadfast old boy doesn’t judge me, apart from my riding skills, that is, and even then, he’s tolerant and forgiving.

He has no expectations of me and hopes only that I treat him with kindness and respect.

And the biggest plus of all, we don’t have to make tedious small talk (although I bet he’d have something interesting to say), and in a matter of minutes we are talking the same language anyway so to speak.

It seems that somehow, some way, two have become one, as I am now so relaxed that we are pretty synchronised and I am able to move in a way that is comfortable (ish) for me and helpful for him.

I actually feel like the top half of a Centaur which is a wondrous t’ing, innit.  In all fairness I probably feel like a sack of spuds to poor old Major, but he can’t speak so I’m going to pretend he loves this too 🙂

We could call ourselves Sajor!  Or Mista, depending on your preference.  Either way I feel nothing but love for him and wish I could keep him and do this every day.

And happily, he is not in the least bit offended by the SBD’s I keep letting go whilst no one is listening, and anyway, I’m sure he’s more than a match me for me when he gets going.  Yes, the veritable compost heap of vegetable matter I dine on every day back at base is still giving my belly gyp….

I can hear the rest of the party squawking at each other, filling the air with mindless chatter, attempting to hold conversations despite the distance between them, but apart from occasionally shouting ‘Sorry?’ or smiling/shrugging at my inability (i.e. unwillingness) to hear, I keep out of it, and relish a companionable silence with my new friend.

Major and I are now quite near the front, and as a few of the others are now lagging behind, our host asks us to stop for a moment and wait for them.

Suddenly Maj does his ‘drive by’ herb snatching thing, taking me under a tree with him, and I have to duck so I’m not knocked out of the saddle.

‘Sista!  Pull him back!  He’s taking the piss out of you!’

Oh fuck off.

Leave him alone.  How would you like it if you were surrounded by chips, cheesecake or salted caramels and you weren’t allowed to eat some?

I grin sheepishly at my well meaning instructor, then lean forward to pat my boy’s neck and scratch his mane.  Then as I peer through the branches and take in another truly glorious vista, I sigh inwardly with happiness.

‘Behold the glory of my kingdom,’ says a voice in my head, warm, resonant with a soupçon of mischief, ‘and yet you want to leave…’

Eh?  Wassat?

I repeated the sentence in my head. Did I say that?  Does it sound the same?

It did.  I think?

Ha that’s it, I’m making this up.

I’m so fucking lonely I’m imagining things.  If this continues, I’ll end up on Oprah talking about the big gang of imaginary friends in my head whilst sporting a nice, designer straightjacket and foaming at the mouth in between takes whilst she coos at me empathically, hoping I don’t ask her to join the ‘Mad Sista Massive’.

‘Behold the glory of my kingdom; and yet YOU want to leave!’

I’m getting a bit irate now.

‘Yes, well that’s easy for you to say,’ I respond silently as we set off on our trail again, ‘but it isn’t always like this, is it?’

Silence.

There you go.  I knew I was imagining it.

Silence.

OK.  Well.

PHUUTT, PHUT, BLUT BLAT!!

Major lets a ninety second fart of such explosive, stinky magnitude that the entire troup bursts out laughing and several of his horsy mates neigh in appreciation.

I laugh too, but am aware that the timing is suspiciously telling.

Was that all down to you Maj, or is that The Man Upstairs sending me an impressive, multi media raspberry at my lack of appreciation and enthusiasm for my life on this earth?

The stench rises.

Jesus, that is toe curlingly harsh.  I cough and waft it away with my free hand.

‘Easy Tiger,’ I warn sotto voce, ‘I’ve been going easy on you so far, and you’ve just thrown down the gauntlet!’

A few minutes later, our leader pauses at a fork in the road and turns to address the group, her hand shielding her eyes from the sun.

‘Listen you lot, you have a choice now.  You have another forty minutes, but if you’re too tired and saddle sore you can go back with Mitch now.  OR, if you’re really enjoying yourself, we can take this trail past the river, but we won’t necessarily get back in time, and depending on what’s down there, we may be at least an hour.  What do you think?’

I know which group I’m going with.

As, whilst I’m normally at loathe to even leave my flat/room, when it comes to days like these, I’ll always take the long way home.

Thanks Big Guy, for this day at least.

Namaste.