Phoenix Fights

Fighting the FEAR, depression and BDP on a daily basis AND making my own bread. Bring it on 2016….




Yoga and detox don’t much care for anti depressants.  They see them as something toxic to be removed from the body and do everything in their power to do so.

It’s not like they work anymore anyway.

I’m starting to think that they never did in the first place.

My recent brush with suicide happened when I was still taking them.  Then I took double dosage because it alarmed me so.  Then I skipped a day because I was so out of it, and then of course, the nightmares start.

It’s official.

The things you feared, the things you couldn’t bear at that time, the things that caused you to crash and burn never really go away when you hit the meds.

Meds are like pretty, fluffy white clouds that obscure the ominous dark, ones behind them that bloom and swell, rumbling and crackling with electricity.  Just because you can’t see them, doesn’t mean they are not there.

They hover there, waiting patiently for that unguarded moment when you forget to take your pills, and then they swoop down like Dementors and start to suck away at your sanity.

But rather than keeping me on them, this time I’m rather inclined to bite the bullet, and go and see Dr B to talk about coming off them.

Because if I thought I’d done myself a kindness living in stoned limbo for the past two years, I’m sadly mistaken.

True ‘Big Sista S’ did help me stand up for myself and kick my ex employers ass.

True I haven’t had to work for 18 months.

But also true, I’m two years older, unemployed, running out of cash and right back where I started again.

Actually I’m significantly less employable and the market is even tougher so I’m actually worse off for having done it.

On them, I live in the drug fug of whiling my days away, playing scrabble, watching TV and planning my future without taking any real defining steps, bailing as soon as anything looks too challenging.

Without them, I’m a paranoid, angry, fucked up mess that no one would want to employ.

But I have fire and passion in my heart, and I guess however mental and unpalatable I am, at least I’m allowing myself to be me, warts and all.

Either way it’s going to be tough getting out there again.

Dr B will be super pleased about this decision, if cautious.

Aunty C (my counsellor) will have a bloody orgasm. 🙂

I am however going to have to have more counselling and may even do group work as I’ll need more support than ever if I go down this road.

And speaking of which, who knows, maybe my sexuality might make a reappearance but I don’t want to think about that too much right now as it certainly isn’t a priority for me.

In the meantime I’m drinking loads of water as pre Bikram yoga preparation and even if I take my meds or not, I know the nightmares are poised to pounce as my body sluices whatever it can out of it’s system.

I guess I’m just gonna have to bear it.

And maybe buy a baseball bat.

I’ll keep you posted x



6 thoughts on “THE DRUGS DON’T WORK

  1. Apologies if this response is too much in the realm of problem-solving: I would encourage you to go to yoga every day, even if all you do is lie on your mat the whole time. It gets you out of your house and moving/breathing and into a more supportive environment. Do I remember you saying you were in the middle of training to be a yoga teacher? Hmmm, I think it’s time to finish that training! Helping others will give you a sense of purpose. Yoga helps me so much… Peace, my friend.

  2. I’m sorry that you’re not finding your meds more helpful Sister. I’ll say a prayer that you find the right drug, or lack there off, for you.
    Gwen x

  3. A courageous decision – good luck! We’re all here to support you through it x

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