We all know someone who could use a pep talk… so write them one!
Have you ever stood by and watched your best friend sell herself short on some useless guy/girl?
Have you ever let them share the inevitable unfolding drama day after day, week after week, with half of you trying hard to be a friend, to listen honourably and be patient, when the other half of you is silently screaming ‘What did I tell you? WTF? Why are you still doing this?!’
Have you ever watched someone you love in the throes of terminal bad relationship addiction whilst knowing in your heart that it can, and will only end badly?
This is my pep talk to my beautiful, big hearted, pocket rocket of a friend, ‘Perri’; I only wish I could share it with her.
You’re still seeing him, aren’t you?
I know you’re deliberately not telling me about it because inside you feel like a fool, and you know i see through all your bullshit bravado, and think I’m going to scream ‘Told you so!’.
But I won’t. What good will that do either of us sweetie?
To be honest with you, I don’t entirely blame him. He’s a user, you’re a martyr, you found one another, the attraction was overwhelming, you locked together like magnets and now you’re tight in the coils this most unhealthy, unholy, unsavoury of unions.
And the sex, coupled with your need to mother, tripled with your love of being the perpetual victim, compounded with his overpowering Oedipus complex means that you could be in his life and, more to the point, at his service for a very long time.
Much to your detriment.
You get upset when I tell you to end it, and accuse me of not liking him.
I don’t know him, Perri! I only know what you tell me….
Adnan may be a six foot two slab of intense, scowling, burning lurve, but he has some serious issues. And I speak as someone in the ‘takes one to know one’ position.
The most exasperating thing of all is that you know that he’s done this before, as your predecessor is now stalking both of you, totally heartbroken and hell bent on revenge.
He tells you that he’s finished with her and she’s only a friend now, but that’s what he does.
Seduces older, grateful women past child bearing age, tells them that he wants to marry and have children one day so he cannot commit, works on them until they are totally besotted with him, tells them he loves them, will always love them so that they cannot, will not finish with him. In the meantime he keeps scanning the horizon for a better offer, in the safe and certain knowledge that if he never actually meets a potential wife, he has a couple of options on the side as a back up and will never be lonely.
That said, if she does rock up, young, eligible with a body to die for and a belly full of eggs, you can bet that he’ll drop you like a well sucked, dried up old orange and kick you to the kerb.
Not entirely though.
He’ll want to stay ‘friends’ because he still cares for you in his way. So he’ll keep in touch, drop by occasionally for dinner and give you a reason to cook and set the table as opposed to having a lonely TV meal on your lap. He’ll be smart enough to fuck you occasionally just to keep you wanting more, then go back to his juicy young missus, safe in the knowledge that you’ll welcome him with open arms if it all goes wrong or she’s having an off night or on her period.
Unless he finds another younger version of you, that is.
Or should I say ‘when’.
Perri, you have to walk away. Now.
It’s not like I don’t get it. I’ve been approached by the Adnan’s of this world before now, but instead of looking like a long, cool glass of water on a sultry day, to me, they look more like a poisoned chalice full to the brim with danger and misogyny.
Seductive, sexy, self assured and absolutely 100% all out for themselves.
So apart from the occasional dalliance over the last 30 odd years, where I’ve briefly used their body, and then done the kerb kicking thing myself, I’ve always sidestepped such Lotharios.
Because I would never let anyone like that have power over me in that way. Hell I don’t let anyone have power over me, so men like that have no chance!
Me no likey.
That’s not to say that I don’t sometimes envy you the sex, the passion, the excitement, and the luxury of being held in the arms of another. But the risk far outweighs the pleasure as far as I’m concerned, so NO, I don’t want to be fixed up with his friend from the dry cleaners!
This guy really has it all, you know? And old friend/lover who welcomes him with open arms and a nice home cooked dinner whenever he deems to see her, you as his main fuck buddy and overall support system, AND a young Iranian woman to date and check out apropos to her potential as his future wife.
You wait in the wings and tell yourself you don’t want him permanently, encouraging him to find Miss Right and sneering at that old lady for her anger, clinginess and desperation, because you’re so much more sophisticated and emotionally mature than her, and want to meet an older guy to settle down with anyway.
But guess what? He won’t let that happen, because he wants to keep you on board for as long as he needs you, and whilst you’re getting some from him, you might kid yourself that you are, but you won’t be looking elsewhere.
And when that day comes when he has had enough of you, you’ll be too old to meet anyone else, and guess what?
You’ll have morphed into her; furious, defeated, desperate, well past your ‘sell by’ and willing to keep him on any terms, and then and only then will the penny drop and you’ll finally realise that you’ve been had.
And don’t tell me that you’ll end up being friends with him and live happily ever after.
Honey, it’s not possible to be friends with someone you have this amount of chemistry with.
Cut the cord. Delete his number. Change yours and walk away from this.
Whilst you still can.
Because you, my bright, beautiful, passionate friend, deserve so much more than being some arsehole’s good ole Mrs Right-Now, and should be free to meet some lovely silver fox who’ll wine, and dine, and totally spoil you rotten.
Peel Adnan off your hide like the leech he is and walk away.
As there is no loneliness quite like being second best.
Love Sista xx
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