Phoenix Fights

Fighting the FEAR, depression and BDP on a daily basis AND making my own bread. Bring it on 2016….



You know those times you wake up in the morning and think ‘What the fuck am I going to do?

I rose this morning to that familiar refrain and the first thing I saw was this amazing piece of work.

Ash Beckham talks about our ‘closets’ where we hide in the dark and clutch our unacceptable truths to us, like the ticking bombs that they are.

I live in such a closet; only trouble is that mine has white walls, a sitting room, two bedrooms, a bathroom, kitchen, a full fridge, central heating, all mod cons and I don’t want to leave it.

I tell myself I’m going to do this, that and the other and carve myself a life outside of these walls, but I’m starting to realise that I’m creating story lines to hurl at people from my past so that they don’t sneer and laugh at me. Little do they know that I’ve barely done shit about taking anything forward really.

I look like a yoga teacher so as long as I’m not challenged to do a head stand in the pub, they’ll buy that.

I’m a great cook so why wouldn’t I monetize it? Surely any fool without a job would?

I’m a writer, so surely must be working on a book? That my friends, is something I can’t hide behind, unlike this blessed, anonymous, life saving blog.

The only thing I’m truly, truly embracing is my ‘extra’ work.

Because I can show up to a set, be made up as and be someone else for an hour/day/week and hell, when you’re as terrified as I am of going back out into the big wide world as yourself, what’s not to love here? Shame it isn’t paying anything yet….

This isn’t the story I wanted to write, and I KNOW it’s not the one that you want to read.

I wanted to start 2013 at ‘only way is up’ level and graduate in December 2013/January 2014 with flying colours, a great job, a loving partner, a career/careers and clouds of ticker tape, having totally sorted out my shit and prised that massive fucker of an orangoutang off my back. And whilst there has definitely been advancements, realisations and mini successes, I’m not entirely there yet.

And that ape may not be digging it’s claws in quite as hard, but it’s doing something infinitely worse.

It’s cuddling me. Stroking my hair, gently holding me to it saying ‘Stay here with me where it’s safe. Live for the moment, that’s what all the good ‘self help’ books say don’t they? You’re not ready yet, let’s hunker down with a mug of tea and watch TV. You’re worried about money? Let’s not think about that right now, it will all come right in the end.’

I know I should be writing about my successes and making this blog a more inspirational read, but I swore to be honest and authentic on here, no matter how many readers it might cost me, and this is where I am today.

Wondering if I actually like doing anything that I say I do, and if so why don’t I get a move on and use it to make something of myself?

As a matter of fact, who the hell am I anyway?

I’m not sure, it’s too fucking dark in here, and the monkey notwithstanding, I know I’m on my own.

So this is my ‘hard’ conversation with you. I’ve inched forward slowly in something of the things I claim I want to do, but when it comes to doing them for real, I really scared that I might be making it all up and have no intentions of doing any of it.

Clutching my own fear filled grenade.

Waiting for the courage to open that fucking door already.



  1. Reblogged this on Lipstick and Chaos : The Fabric of My Life and commented:
    I think my closet door is locked …. and I lost the key ….

  2. Ups and Downs, You will be ok. 🙂 I have had similar thoughts in the night and not too distant past. -OM

    • I dunno. I’m pretty scared. But we will see. Thank you for the support x

      • Care to write some articles for HarsH ReaLiTy for a few days till Monday? The article you just wrote would connect with much of my audience. Let me know. -OM

      • Are you sure, you know I have a potty mouth? How does it work, I send something to you and you repost? I’m hoping not to go downhill over the next couple of days, but it’s always possible,but let me know if you’re up for the risk. Or I could reblog stuff?

      • Nope, I would send you an invite and you will actually be logged in behind the scenes on my blog. You seem like you needed a push to write, well how about writing for HarsH ReaLiTy. I doubt mind language as long as it is tasteful and the topics would need to fit within “a moderate median” if you get my meaning. Just don’t start any wars or get me assassinated ok? If you are interested email me the email address you want to use to

        you are the last person I am inviting for the weekend. You will be allowed to put your links into the articles, as far as your blog link and I would encourage an intro post as your first or part of your first post. I would approve your posts, as you would have contributor setting, I am testing this new level out. Let me know by email if you are interested and what email to use. It will show your email whichever you use, just an fyi. -OM

      • OK I’ll give it a go, thanks chuck x

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