So the storms have returned to old London town, whipping and lashing and sluicing the remnants of naughty old 2013 around and around like lees in a teapot, ready to be tipped up and hurled down the sink and replaced with….what?
I could take this opportunity to tell you what the various websites say is in store for us financially, romantically and from a planetary aspect, but from what I can tell, there are still global challenges for us to all work through in the coming year, 2014.
From a personal point of view, the moment has come for me to bring this year to a close and analyse whether I achieved my aims/ambitions, what I have learned from 2013 and whether blogging and downloading all the crazy shit from my ranting, raving, sadistic mind has helped me, let alone anyone else.
And if I break down my attempted ‘flights’, i.e. 2013’s New Year resolutions, it doesn’t look that great.
I’m still not working. I don’t always get out of bed at a respectable time. I sometimes don’t get out of bed at all, let alone leave my flat. As for liking how I look…..
Looking back I smile at my naivety.
I thought it would be as simple as making a list, reporting back monthly on how I’m doing and that I would rise to the challenge rather that let down a bunch of strangers who I have never met before in my life, turn my life around to epic proportions, and end up on the news, This Morning, Oprah etc., laughing and simpering with faux surprise at how the world had changed for me now that I’m a household name, that I had never wanted to be unmasked, but if my story had helped change anyone suffering from mental health issues’ life, then it was all worthwhile, even though my family/friends/cats won’t answer my calls/speak to me again.
Blah, blah, bleugh, I’m so full of shit, Walter Mitty has nothing on me.
And if I were still analysing my progress in that way, it didn’t work out. Then again, you’re not strangers anymore either, and as such the fact that I failed you should make it sting even more. But it doesn’t. Because you’ve been so amazingly supportive/interactive/funny/mental yourselves that all I feel is a deep kinship.
Turns out it takes more than a snappy name, tick list and 12 months to unravelling over half a century’s worth of shit. 😦
But I’ve learned so much.
And maybe in spite of my assumption that I was at my lowest ebb in January 2013, I had to descend even further before being able to rise again from my ashes.
So, for the sake of due diligence, I’ll go through some of my aims/ambitions for this year:
I may have mentioned that I created a mood board early this year, featuring words, pictures and photos of the things/places/people whom I wanted to spend more time with in 2013. I look at it now and it isn’t entirely applicable anymore.
Some people I don’t see because we no longer occupy the same world.
Some have gone by the wayside because they can’t cope or are not attracted to the new, constantly changing me. I lost one friend, fell out with and reunited with another, and a third hangs in the balance; I reckon it’s 50/50 odds that we are still friends come this time next year.
I hope we are. But if the cost is too high, we won’t be.
Some I’ve lost contact with because I’ve kind of subtly, inadvertently eased myself out of their lives, either out of paranoia, resentment or sheer indifference, so whilst I work hard at not consciously cutting people off, it kind of sneaks up on me sometimes. But in fairness, I suspect that the people I sneak away from are probably sneaking away from me too 😉
But others have crept onto the board and taken their place. New, shiny, precious beings who like the things I like, do the things I do, introduce me to other stuff, make me laugh uproariously and enhance my life no end, including many of you lot, so all in all, not a bad result when you think about it. 🙂
I don’t dance as much as I could/should, but I dance more than I did in 2012, and when I do, the life affirming buzz is phenomenal.
I would like to do it at least once a week (missus), but I’m not going to say I will, because as you’ve probably gathered, that shoulda-woulda-coulda shit I end up putting on myself does not work for me! But let’s see what happens.
P.S. Doing it tonight!
LIKING MY APPEARANCE
If anything I like the way I look even less now, as in the last 18 months I have aged dramatically, resulting in being scraggier around the face and pudgier around the middle. The one thing, my nice figure, that I hung onto for all of those decades as my first line of defence is now sadly in decline, and let’s face it, isn’t going to improve.
I just hope that I can either get fitter at least and/or care less about it and give more importance/priority to other things as the years go by.
Yes, more often than is good for me, I still escape from the mundanity of my life via the goggle box. Not good. Not only that I am obsessed with eBay and online games.
Look, it’s not that I want to die alone, and not have a best friend to hold my hand, give me a hug on a bad day and empty the bin for me, but the odds are against me. It was hard enough in my forties, but what chance do I stand now? As one gets older, one gets more set in their ways and if anything, pickier, then there are fewer men out there, so the market narrows like the top of a triange, and you have the choice of investing in good hardware (sex aids), toy boys (urgh) or, like me, give it all up as a bad job, and succumb to the warm embrace of a home baked, lavishly buttered scone.
This is probably mostly down to my poor little libido which is currently smothered by a whole stack of drugs. I don’t think it’s dead, because whenever I forget to take my anti-d’s it kind of flutters and flickers and my minny tingles. So I take a double dose of everything and that takes care of that! 😉
Joking aside, I still don’t have much of a clue who I am, and still crave oblivion on a regular basis, and that isn’t exactly boner inducing is it, but maybe as I get braver, stronger and heal, perhaps, just perhaps, someone might come along and he’ll be worth waking up my sleeping dragon for.
But I’m not banking on it.
At last, something good I can say about this year!
I am, without any shadow of a doubt, better at this than I used to be. I was dark, angry and vengeful and could bear a grudge for England, and whilst I can still fire up if underestimated, dismissed, or treated discourteously, I try very hard to bite down the reflex to retaliate for fear I do or say something that I will one day regret, as I have many, many of those days in my past. Leading onto….
Again, whilst there have been vast improvement here, to be honest my anger/defensiveness is always going to be my achilles heel, and I think it’s going to take time to crack it, and I may never do so 100%, but I do intend to keep on trying. On the plus side, according to Aunty C, it can be channelled in the form of passion and drive and used for something good.
One things for sure, it will never ever go away for good. It’s part of who I am.
I love yoga. Or did. Don’t I? Or do I? Because if I do, why don’t I do it and keep doing it? And if not why don’t I just stop it?
Enquiring minds wanna know!
A long, long time ago I had a very unhealthy relationship with food. It got worse. Then it got better. Then it go worse again. Then it got better. And so on, and so forth.
And whilst I don’t abuse my body that much anymore, I have used my baking as an excuse to comfort eat.
The other day I went to do a pictorial review of my year on Facebook. Most other peoples contained photos of family holidays, celebrations, births, parties etc. What do you think mine mainly consisted of?
Whilst I love baking, and don’t want to give it up OR die of cake, I need to tap into and do other things before I turn into a big, lumpy, oversized pudding.
But to do other things, like holidays, adventures, parties etc Sista, you need money!
Which leads me on quite nicely to….
And here it is, the doozy of them all. Time to tackle this head on.
Economic crisis not withstanding, there are things I am qualified to do for a living.
Things I can do in theory tolerate in order to bring money into the home.
There are things that I love that I’m told I’m good at, and this is the Holy Grail so to speak, i.e. the way I’d like to earn a living most of all.
But the one thing standing in the way of this, and indeed some of my other failed aims is my huge distrust and fear of others and the outside world. and the overriding terror of failing again, everyone seeing my shit, glorying in it and spewing an endless stream of invective about and at me.
Yes, of course I’m paranoid! Keep up, will you?!
Recently some of you may know that I was finally diagnosed as having Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder (down stark insanity, down! x), and whilst it was a bit of a shock, when I read the criteria, it is a very accurate fit. And whilst I don’t necessarily like or to totally buy into the name or think that there’s something wrong with my personality fundamentally, I have been offered therapy, possibly group and if it is group, I think I’m going to take it.
Over the years I, like many of you, have bought lottery tickets and sometimes ask myself, would it hurt God that much to let me win, just once? And whilst this may be down to the fact that I have some very shit karma to work through and probably don’t serve it, I think the Big Man Upstairs knows that if he sends me vast amounts of money that I’ll just carry on as I am, living in this flat, feeding m’cats, fannying around on t’interet, blogging away, seeing my chosen few and never ever reach my full potential.
And now my money is very low, the heat is on.
So, has writing this blog eased me out of my shit and helped me achieve my goals?
Erm no. Well only some.
Has writing this blog helped me?
Absolutely. Without a single shadow of doubt.
What I think writing Phoenix Flights (a word play on Phoenix Nights, top British comedy show if you didn’t know) has done for me is inadvertently enabled me to dig up all of those horrible painful memories from my past, some of which I had completely eradicated from my memory, so that I can potentially see them for what they are, heal them and move on. This was not how I expect it to pan out, but I’ve been having therapy for years and despite this, have never really managed to shake my fears, feel grounded or safe, so I’m hoping that group therapy will be that final hurdle that I need to clear in order to brave the world at large, and live properly and wholly for the first time in my life.
That said, this little Phoenix has had a whole year of writhing around in the ashes of her past and hopes and yearns to fly again one day in the not too distant future. Please God?
And what I’ve also learned, from Aunty C, you and and my loved ones? I need people more than I actually thought I did.
I’ve just got to learn to trust the buggers, that’s all 😉
Is this the end of Pheonix Flights as you know it?
Is this the end of my blogging?
No. I’ll be back.
Look out 2014, here I come!
Much love and big thanks to you all. I don’t know what I’d have done without you xx