Phoenix Fights

Fighting the FEAR, depression and BDP on a daily basis AND making my own bread. Bring it on 2016….



I went to a cooking class yesterday and did my usual ‘amuse some, alienate others’ thang….

What it is about me I don’t know, but when I am in new company, I get a bit hyperactive and perhaps subconsciously try a little too hard.

I’m don’t know whether I’m on a bipolar high (have refused to be checked or categorised by the NHS to date) or whether I just go a bit ‘Ben Gunn’ because I don’t have many strangers happen upon my island very often, but one things for sure, I never seem to fit in, or fade into the background, and invariably end up pissing someone or t’other off.

Treasure Island - Ben Gunn

I wasn’t trying to upset anyone, but the teacher was a bit uppity and tight arsed, and that didn’t stop me cracking jokes, getting the giggles and behaving a bit giddily, but we were tempering chocolate for four hours,  and in the end everyone was buzzing and having a bit of a laugh.

She did seem to take a particular dislike to me and all my questions though, to the extent of ignoring some that perhaps she couldn’t answer, in which case a simple ‘I don’t know’ might have been more polite and customer friendly?

Whenever this kind of thing has happened in the past, I tended to end up doing a post mortem on said incidents when I got home, before or during my sleep, and used to get in a right state, beating myself up for being so tactless/irritating/stupid, and wondering how I can fix it and make people like me, but this time, as I drove home, all I could hear was this song going round and round in my head.

And I think I’m starting to come to a certain level of peace about myself.

Because instead of fretting about it, or getting angry with the other person/people and having a dig at them, vowing to be their sworn enemy for life for rejecting me and  making me feel so shit about myself, I just thought ‘Hey ho, her loss’.

At last I’m starting to get what Aunty C has been drumming into my head for all of these years.

So, some people don’t like me; in all fairness, I am pretty weird, and if I don’t like everyone, so why should others be any different?

Also, it would kill me to try and be like everyone else, so why not embrace who and what I am?

I don’t often insert lyrics into my posts, but these are so pertinent, I just have to share.

Here’s hoping I can keep this up and end 2013 on a high….

Namaste x

“I’ve Gotta Be Me”
Whether I’m right or whether I’m wrong

Whether I find a place in this world or never belong
I gotta be me, I’ve gotta be me
What else can I be but what I am

I want to live, not merely survive
And I won’t give up this dream
Of life that keeps me alive
I gotta be me, I gotta be me
The dream that I see makes me what I am

That far-away prize, a world of success
Is waiting for me if I heed the call
I won’t settle down, won’t settle for less
As long as there’s a chance that I can have it all

I’ll go it alone, that’s how it must be
I can’t be right for somebody else
If I’m not right for me
I gotta be free, I’ve gotta be free
Daring to try, to do it or die
I’ve gotta be me

I’ll go it alone, that’s how it must be
I can’t be right for somebody else
If I’m not right for me
I gotta be free, I just gotta be free
Daring to try, to do it or die
I gotta be me



4 thoughts on “OPTIMISTIC MIX TRACK 9 – SAMMY DAVIS JR – I Gotta Be Me

  1. I think a lot of us feel like this, truthfully. I appreciate you talking about what you went through. I figure as long as I have some basic principles from which to operate, I should be okay with me and my ‘style’ of interaction with people — I should be myself and be okay with it as long as I’m tactful, compassionate, and have boundaries. There are some other principles as well, but these are basic. Within these guidelines I figure I can weave in my special brand of personality. Also I try not to ‘try’ to hard to be in the mix, or to get people to notice me.

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