Have you ever said something about yourself or another person with total conviction and every good intention, only to find it coming back, teeth bared, salivating and lurching towards your trembling derriere?
Earlier this year I did some acting work (if you can call it that) and had to submit a personal profile for the production company website.
As you can imagine, I couldn’t just give them a fully accurate version.
Can you imagine?
‘Sista Sertraline is an ex business executive who left her last position in a hail of gunfire, had a breakdown, has been making noises about how she’s going to earn a crust on and off, but in the meantime hibernates at home with her TV, cats and latest Virgin Wine delivery, eating into her savings like a moth on a cashmere throw, and pretends to everyone that everything is going just dandy whilst inwardly waiting for the hammer to fall.’
So instead, I submitting something along the following lines:
‘Sista Sertraline left her corporate role in 19 whatever, is currently studying pilates and is looking into setting up catering business.’
Because I kinda was, and I kinda am, but progress is slow because of the mind monkeys, big black mutt and the big daddy of them all, The Fear.
Plus, to be honest, the whole thing was so amateurish and rushed that I never really believed it would see the light of day with regard to getting any kind of public profile.
So imagine my horror when someone forward me something along the following lines, accompanied by a big fat photo of moi from a website on t’internet:
‘Sista Sertraline left her highly successful commercial role at ‘Wankers R Us’ in 19 whatever, has set up her own pilates business, owns a restaurant, reads minds and in her spare time ties knots in cherry stalks with her tongue whist reciting the complete works of Shakespeare’
Holy fucking shit….what the hell is that?!
To be fair, even if the producer has stuck to the profile I sent her, I’d still be mortified as I’m way behind schedule on all of the things I wanted to do this year, and whilst I can pat myself on the back for progressing to the extent that I have, that won’t be any good to me if anyone from my old life sees it and tries to book a yogalates for super bendy spiritual masters class with me….
Oh God, whilst I’ve usually appreciated your sense of humour, I’m really not happy right now, and after hoping I was coming out of a 3 day downer, if anything this has only made me want to hide away even longer now.
Kill. Me. Now.
All I can do is hope that as few people see it as possible, that this actually puts a rocket up my arse with regards to doing something or forming a concrete plan before the end of 2013, and talk/sing myself down from this nuclear panic attack that’s rocking my little corner of the world right now.
‘Said that it’s alright (Sista, it’s alright), Said that it’s alright now……ish…..’