There was a very interesting series of programmes on Channel 4 last night, under the collective banner of ‘Psychopath Night’, and on the webpage there is a test to see where your personally lies on the psychopathic spectrum, so me and a few of my friends decided to take it and see how we fared.
The results were a bit unnerving to say the least, especially when one friend’s results turned out to be higher than that of Hitler.
And this folks, is one of my closest friends.
And whilst I totally understand that the net result doesn’t automatically mean that someone is a jack booted, ranting, xenophobic maniac, and depends on the various characteristics that make up the test, it is, I have to say, something of a wake up call.
As indeed was the pride/nonchalance with which she announced it. Like it was something to be proud of or amused by.
But then again, she would, wouldn’t she? She’s nearly 90% psychopath.
And to be fair, she’s always been honest about her willingness to step over others to achieve her aims, her ability to get what she wants via manipulation and to put herself first in pretty much every single circumstance of her life, but it was always said with her trademark charisma, humour and warmth, so whilst I knew deep down that she meant it, I kind of hoped she didn’t, and thought that at the very least, it was different when it came to the two of us.
But now that it’s there for me to see in black and white, so many things make sense now; things that we argued about that she’d tell me I imagined, or that we both brushed under the carpet as they were shameful on her part, unnerving on mine.
Anything that I had and she did not infuriated her, even when she has so much and I have so little in all aspects of life.
For example, when I finished my ex, was essentially homeless and she was ensconced in a new long term relationship and moving in with her man, she went into a massive sulk and shot daggers at me when a removals man flirted with me instead of her. Even though her boyfriend was there, holding her hand for all to see, and gazing moonily into her eyes!
Then there was that time when I got a new company BMW delivered where we were living, and had no idea how to open the door let alone drive it. When I went to ask her for help, she stomped up to her room slamming doors and stayed in there seething whilst I sat nervously downstairs wondering what the fuck I’d done to upset her. She herself had a beautiful, top of the range Audi but it was a year old. At the time, I couldn’t believe that she was jealous of a car, which wasn’t even mine, but in all fairness, what else could it have been?
Oh, and the time when I inadvertently upstaged her at a function when I bumped into her in the loos and went over to say hello was even less subtle. She had lost a lot of weight and had a new designer dress to show off her new figure, and I can only assume that she thought I was trying to steal her thunder (by looking nice?!) as she pretty much blanked me in front of all our peers, was cold, snooty and patronising, and hissed at me not to come anywhere near her table. I was so shocked and hurt, I ended up going home half an hour later. The next day I yelled at her and furious, accused her of jealousy, and she totally denied it, implied she couldn’t remember any such thing, or I was making it up.
One day I was dining at a restaurant with a friend and she rang me because she was stuck in traffic. Annie and I were quite merry by then, so I was jokingly teasing her about our delicious desserts and sweet wine that had just arrived whilst she was inching along the M40, and I thought she was pretending to be peeved, until she suddenly bellowed ‘Think about ME!’ in this supernaturally scary baritone like Regan out ‘The Exorcist’ and scared the living daylights out of, well, both of us I think. One of us hung up. I can’t remember which.
I remember the way she immediately treated me with less respect/regard when I split with my City Trader ex; the time she cock blogged me and her hunky neighbour from getting together even though, again, she was happily married; the unspoken refusal to recommend me on LinkedIn; her total fury if anyone of us do anything without her that she is unable but wants to do, when she will hypocritically dump any/all of us if something/someone better comes along. The way she talked about wishing her husband would die when they were going through a hard patch, as that would be the answer to all her troubles (and she was only half joking), and which dog she’ll buy when her two year old Westie kicks the bucket. Watch out Binky, if that stuff in your bowl smells weird, go and steal food from the cat next door….
And finally, her absolute fury if I don’t do what she wants or put myself our for her.
And the biggest irony of all is that the people we know in common no doubt think I’m more nutty and dangerous that she is, because I’m frank outspoken, and had a breakdown last year. If only they knew!
As whilst I have a temper, can be angry and vengeful and judgemental, I am empathic, humanitarian, giving, honest, non manipulative and my psychopath rating was less than 20%.
I could go on, and on but I think I’ve made my point.
In fact, in hindsight I think there have been a number of psychopaths in my life over the years. I attract them because someone with low self esteem, and the willingness to hide her light under a bushel so as not to alienate others must be cat nip for people like this.
‘Come sit in my shadow where you belong Sista,’ they must think ‘the dim, spluttering light of your inferiority only serves to ignite and enhance my confidence and ability to sell and endear myself to all around us’.
But she’s not all bad, old Psycho Killer (qu’est que c’est); she’s probably not as cold or murderous as Adolf (on a good day 😉 ), she’s funny, entertaining, can be kind and supportive when she wants to be (if it doesn’t put her too much that is). And whilst she’s undoubtedly narcissistic, ruthless and emotionally detached when it comes to riding roughshod over others, she loves her family, can be generous to a fault, and we’ve been friends a hell of a long time.
And lets face it, we’ve all got our faults.
So I have no plans to exorcise her out of my life.
But I have changed a lot this year, and there has been a long summer sulk and whilst we recently met up and are ‘friends’ again, I want to keep evolving and hope that she can cope with this. I’ll also be ensuring that I don’t show my vulnerability to her moving forward or let myself appear anything less than 100% happy and contented with my lot, as quite frankly I think that she and people like her feed off my shit whether they intend to or not.
I’ll be her friend, love her, not be offended when she drops out of my life for months on end, see her when we’re both available and enjoy her company, but if any of that malign, controlling, self serving shit emerges when she’s with me, then there’s only one thing for it.
I’m just going to have to run, run, run, run; run, run, run away…….