Phoenix Fights

Fighting the FEAR, depression and BDP on a daily basis AND making my own bread. Bring it on 2016….




I’m guessing that all of you who have a Facebook account have created your 60 second commemorative movie and uploaded it to your page for all to admire?

I did mine today; and it was everything I expected to see.

And less.

I’ve been off line for the last few days as some dick from the water board chopped through our telephone cable, and it’s taken this for me to realise how much I rely on broadband access for…, well pretty much everything really.  Interaction, education, information, conversation, shopping, food – shit, the shock of having to go out to shop for milk was practically overwhelming!  

To be honest, I realised that I access the great outdoors about as much as someone doing time in prison, and whilst my quarters may be a tad more comfortable than the average Holloway cell, I realise that this is no way to live a life.


That said, just as I was getting geared up to getting out there and making my presence known, that little blue kiss curl on my modem, suddenly flickered, winked then glowed, and I was back on line, and like the addict that I am, I jumped on that lifeline like Lee Ryan onto, well, anyone with a pulse.

Then, today, I dared to look at my Facebook movie.  And I am not exaggerating in the slightest when I tell you that it is so pathetic, I would rather stick my tits in a mangle than upload it online.

Of course I’ve looked at everyone else’s, and have born witness to their gradual but steadily upward evolution over the last decade.  The achievements, the joys, the kids, the houses, some challenges I guess, but for the most part everyone, from what I can tell, has lived an active, successful, happy ten years overall.

Mine?  Mine is testament to a life lived small and scared, and features the things I used to do, the friends I have driven away, the people who have probably forgotten that I exist, and a montage of witty but cynical comments, and the multitude of photographs of cakes in lieu of snaps of holidays, gatherings with family/friends, and career triumphs.  And the minor triumphs I have achieved?  I didn’t share them because I was too shy/afraid to blow my own trumpet plus, I’m paranoid about people knowing my business.

And reading about the loss of Philip Seymour Hoffman and seeing all of his famous friends, it made me wonder how many of them were actually in his life.  I have more ‘friends’ than I actually want on paper, but only see a fraction of them face to face. Was it the same for him?  I know how depression and illness separates the wheat from the chaff as far as real friendship is concern, and also accept that pushing people away sometimes means they stay away, so I expect that, like me he was very, very lonely.  But hell, if I top myself, there’ll be plenty of popular, happy folk with stonking Facebook movies showing up to put me in the ground, no doubt!

Thanks guys, you rock!  NOT.

Then, on seeing Sheldon Cooper snogging the face of Amy Farrah Fowler for the very first time, and I was torn between finding it touching, amusing and downright depressing. I haven’t been kissed for about FOUR YEARS, and I have to ask, why is some (fictional) weedy, emotionally autistic, scifi geek and his long suffering, frumpy bird getting more action than me?!

The final straw was when I saw this clip of John Berlin begging the gods of Facebook for his dead son’s movie, which filled me with all kinds of emotion.

And I asked myself; if I croak tomorrow, would I want MY family to see this pathetic, 60 second ‘tribute’ to the last 10 years of my life, or am I going to make the next 10 year worth the oxygen that I take from this planet?

So I’m going to go and try and make it the latter happen.

I want there to be a point to my existence.  I want to be of use.  I want to find my clan.  I want my cottage by the sea.  I want to love and be loved in return.  

And yes, I want to be kissed with tenderness and passion.  Preferably by another human being.  Male, please, ideally.

Quite how I’m going to turn things around to such an extent I’m not sure, but I’m coming off Facebook for Lent, limiting my time on the internet and have just volunteered to do some work for a charity.

And whilst I still don’t know the answer to Life, the Universe and Everything (unless it really is 42), I do know I won’t find it sat on my arse, terrified in a South London flat, waiting until God deems that it’s OK for me to die.

Onwards and upwards.

Namaste x



  1. Good for you, Sista. In my experience, one of the greatest acts of courage is to be able to admit the truth about ourselves, especially when it comes to our fears and anxieties, and how these have influenced our actions and thus our lives.

    As for purpose, the best answer that I have been able to come up with is to discover who we truly are and to learn to love that person in a good and unconditional way. It is only then that we can love others unconditionally too. In the final analysis, that’s what life is really about.

    OT, thanks for improving my vocabulary. I wasn’t aware that “mangle” can also be a noun: a machine for smoothing or pressing clothes, household linen, etc., by means of heated rollers. I’d only ever heard the word used in its verb form. Your statement now makes much more sense to me.

  2. I loved this. Bravo on depicting the unjustified jealousy we all hide when seeing how “perfect” everyone else’s life is on FB. Also, great job on helping others hear what depression and anxiety feel like.

    I am very much in need of an online detox. I’m not catholic but always try to give something up for lent just because. I like your idea.

  3. I did NOT do my facebook movie because it would be very short. I clean up there more often than I do my house. And it’s Fb, for fuck’s sake. It isn’t life.

    You will find your clan, Sista. Size doesn’t matter when it comes to friends. Just honesty. You’ve got that in spades and you’ll find others like you.

    xo Susanne
    PS – Missed you and glad you’re back telling it like it is.

  4. hell yeah! get out and get something!

  5. ‘a life lived small and scared’… Oh how I relate to that! Can I live around the other corner?

  6. You witty arse! Reading you is always such a bliss. Let me tell you, i dont have facebook and have no idea what videos are you talking about really, can only guess and assume. (To me, facebook is an evil place of hell on earth). Anyhow. Being kissed. Thats what i would like too.
    Stay…warm. And online. I would DIE if my internet disappeared. Im as unsocial in person as you are, haha.

  7. I love this post and I love your enthusiasm. The world deserves your breath in it. And we need to read your words as much as you need write them.

  8. You and I share a few things in common. Sertraline is my friend, I do pretty much anything to avoid leaving the house, I am using my blog for therapy, and my FB movie sucked.

    In fact, it sucked so bad, I didn’t even get one. I got a *card*. Seems I didn’t post enough to warrant a video. Which, isn’t entirely true. I posted a lot. 3 to 5 times a day. But due to obsession with privacy, I delete all my posts after a day or two.


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