Phoenix Fights

Fighting the FEAR, depression and BDP on a daily basis AND making my own bread. Bring it on 2016….




So I’m still lounging around in limbo, eyes blearily scanning the horizon for the cavalry in the shape of the fucking group therapy I was promised many moons ago, and whilst I don’t have the energy to be impatient, I am so over this endless waiting shit.

The questions, the calls, the forms, the cliched questions, spilling my guts left right and centre, I’ve done it all and it’s all so tedious and disheartening when after all that, nothing really happens.

I made myself go out into the world and mix with strangers twice this week in a desperate bid to jump start the will to live (which may or may not reside deep in side me), but you know what?

I did it, passed for ‘normal’, didn’t get arrested or beaten with sticks, and the men in the white coats didn’t rock up for me, but I find it all so unbelievably tedious.   The inevitable wearing of the mask, the small talk, going through the motions, lying about my situation when all the while I just surreptitiously watch the clock, desperately longing to go home.

And I wonder why I’m so lonely.

I can’t shake the feeling that I’m being punished for something.

This geezer Rumi apparently said this:

‘Patience is not sitting and waiting, it is foreseeing. It is looking at the thorn and seeing the rose, looking at the night and seeing the day. Lovers are patient and know that the moon needs time to become full’


Aw, isn’t that nice?

He said lots of pretty poetic stuff did Rumi, and was probably a very nice chap but he clearly had a relationship with God/the universe that to this day eludes me.  Plus I’ve been looking for the longest time and it is hard to see a clear road let alone the reward at the end of it when it has been festooned with dog poo and roadkill for so long and really starting to hum a bit.

As for lovers, well bully for them. but seeing as I only use my nether regions for sitting and excreting I don’t really have the advantage, frequently stimulated/penetrated genitals or optimism that they do that my patience will be rewarded with a big cheesy orb if I hang in there, so excuse me if I am less than good natured about this anymore….

As for my meds, I’m either too stoned to do anything or too anxious if I halve them, ARRRGGGHHHHHH!

That is all.  Haven’t got the energy to finish this properly. Will come back when I feel I can write something worth reading.

Over and out x



13 thoughts on “I’M STILL WAITING (I’M JUST A FOOL)

  1. What a lousy way to feel. I hope you’re doing better soon.

  2. I’ve been waiting too, and I’ve taken matters into my own hands. I wanted to let you know I am thinking of you and I hope that your wait is over soon. x

  3. hey this is worth reading already! 🙂
    that Rumi gets everywhere hehehehe
    when i feel weighed down by emotions and thoughts, i remember that i’m luckier than the bird in its nest; with cold food in its belly and no roof over its head. x
    it doesn’t always work hehehehe, x

  4. It kind of feels good to know I’m not alone, and your way of writing makes me chuckle. I experience the same things, and all those sugary prophetic sayings leave me feeling guilty. What I really hate is having a semi-okay day, followed by an okay day, to a fall right back into the pit the next day. I hate my mind toying with me. Hang in there!

  5. Sugary tripe from the Rumis of this world are enough to make you gag, at moments like these. You have to wonder whether they’ve ever actually been in the pits. Maybe next time you need to strip in the midst of the grindingly boring small talk. The arrival of the white coats would at least speed up the group therapy.

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