Phoenix Fights

Fighting the FEAR, depression and BDP on a daily basis AND making my own bread. Bring it on 2016….



OK, this is my first proper ‘ear worm’ for y’all, aka a song you really don’t want stuck in your head.  Ever.

Well, it’s stuck in mine, so suck it up suckers!

And the reason this catchy little number has been driving me barmy all morning?

I received a letter reminding me that my annual cervical smear test is due.

Oh deep and fundamental joy.  NOT.  A modified car jack with sharpened lolly stick attachment up the fanny, just what every single, celibate gal needs of a morning. 😦

Oh, and any blokes thinking ‘Here we go, another woman banging on about her hormones and shit’, try imagining this bad boy cranked up your dirt box then opened wide.


Got it?  Good.  Show a bit of empathy for once.

And of course the minute I get prone on that paper couch and spot the bloody thing heading due south, my minnie goes on lock down and is harder to breach than an airborne Airforce One, making the whole transaction even more of a battle.

So be warned, I’ll be in a dangerous mood that day.

Seriously, when the fuck will they leave my poor old carcass alone and start working on my head via group therapy?  What with all the tit squishing, blood letting, head shrinking and booby perverts peering at my girls mid exam (, I’m gonna start breaking out in hives every time I recognise my GP or hospital’s postal stamp on an envelope.

Whoever ends up breaching my person that day had better have a gentle hand otherwise someone’s gonna have themselves a case, and quite possibly a broken face too.

Next life I’m coming back as a man, do you hear me God?!!


12 thoughts on “DON’T MESS WITH MY TOOT TOOT

  1. Oh, Madame! How could you? This is no ear worm, it’s an ear asp.

    I am near tempted to say that for loosing this serpent, you deserve the speculum. But, of course, no one deserves the speculum. (Actually, there is no small number of people I wouldn’t mind being subjected to the device—male and female. However, you, Madame, could never be among them.)

    • Sir, anyone approaching me with that device outside the doctor’s surgery would walk with a limp for the rest of their life. And probably need to call the fire service. Nuff said.

  2. Hahahaha! — I remember this stupid ass song! Ahahahaha!

  3. I came back after I realized calling the song stupid was probably too harsh — gotta watch it with the glib language…

  4. Well, sure, Ms. Harris, “My Toot Toot” is no “Disco Duck”. It’s no “Convoy”—not everything can be. But, it does have its…y’know…it’s uhh…mmm…charms? Somewhere? I guess?

    Or not. I continue to discover myself humming the wretched twaddle. Feh.

  5. Ohhhh! “Convoy”! I loved loved loved that song when I was growing up — it made me fantasize about going somewhere far away with a cute boy in a car, or of course in one of those trucks — hahaha! It’s nice to be able to discuss these songs with someone around the same age ~sigh~

  6. Well, hell, we should meet for a picnic lunch at the Cloisters. We can cover the entire K-Tel canon. That’s a big 10-4, good buddy! 😉

  7. Arghh! Disco Duck (got to have ya mamma!)! WHY, why, why did you say that?!

    • Why? Because six days later, I’m still mindlessly singing “My Toot Toot”. THAT’S why! There. Now, we’re even. 😉

      Aw, screw—we’re not even. I may still be working “My Toot Toot”, but, now, you’ve got both Denise Lasalle and Rick Dees with whom to contend. My apologies, Madame. Had I thought that invoking the name of that rot could effect you so, it would have never happened.

  8. And evidently, even without a gynecological instrument and an ocean away, I have got myself a case.

    Please don’t be like that, Madame. Come on now, love, give us a kiss, then? You know that it’s the Christian thing to do, during this season especially. (I think? The New Testament is not exactly my long suit.)

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s