Phoenix Fights

Fighting the FEAR, depression and BDP on a daily basis AND making my own bread. Bring it on 2016….



Haven’t had a dream in a long time….

A game of two halves.  That was yesterday.

Another pointless visit to Dr B, asking where the hell the cavalry is, after being left for over three months in personality disorder limbo.  She’s as frustrated as I am.

Then a meeting with someone who could find me work in the future for BEING MYSELF.

Kind of.

It’s a long shot, I won’t deny it.  This company are much sought out, specialist in their area of business and they have seen thousands of people in the last few days.  And even if they take me on, there’ll be a financial outlay, and I wouldn’t be guaranteed work, consistent or otherwise.

I think they liked me.

I made them laugh.

It’s still a long shot.

My dreams aren’t like the dreams of others.  I don’t want or expect fame, fast cars, a stunning husband, a holiday home in the Maldives or millions in the bank.

I just want to find a way forward to living the rest of my life authentically, healthily and safely, fully realised, instead of working for the man, playing the game, lying, manipulating and posturing, pretending to be ‘normal’ whilst my soul shrivels and dies, or just existing, scraping by, living hand to mouth and waiting for the hammer to fall.


I sometimes hate hope so much more than hopelessness.  But in this case, I can’t douse this tiny persistent flame in my heart.

So God, if you’re listening, I don’t ask you for much.

But please, please, please?  Let me get what I want.

This time.


12 thoughts on “EAR WORM No. 19 – Slow Moving Millie – PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE LET ME GET WHAT I WANT

  1. Par. starting ‘I just want a find a way forward…’ Couldn’t agree more. And realising it is half the battle, I think

  2. Good luck Sista! I identify with so much of this. At this point in my life my wants are very humble, but that was only after being bitch slapped by life and forced to look at the reality of things.

    I have two jobs actually, one was full time until three years ago when they made it seasonal and took my benefits. So I get this hiatus every year now. I need a full-time job again so still search and search. I have a phone interview in about another hour and a half.

    I hope your prayers are answered!

  3. Hope that Zen zone finds you soon if you don’t find it first.

  4. It doesn’t sound like your asking for much…I think you should get what you want.

  5. Pingback: OPTIMISTIC MIX TRACK 12 – GETTING AWAY WITH IT Electronic | Phoenix Fights

  6. We’ve all been there, I think … I would like to know what it is that you want so badly …

    • I can’t say too much because I need to stay anonymous, but its a way of earning money without losing who I am or being something that I’m not

      • OK … I can relate to that. No worries. 🙂
        I’m VERY happy for you, as it is a huge stride in the right direction; and there are few who can claim to have a job that fits that description ! You done real good …

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