Phoenix Fights

Fighting the FEAR, depression and BDP on a daily basis AND making my own bread. Bring it on 2016….

IT’S JUST ME, MYSELF AND I

19 Comments

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So as of last weekend, it’s now officially British Summertime.

Eeek.

For most people this is great news, but I’m one of the few oddities that dreads the return of those bright mornings, long, heady days and balmy summer nights.

https://sistasertraline.wordpress.com/2013/03/04/these-are-the-days-of-the-endless-summer/

But this year I realise that if I want things to be different this year, it’s me who need to change with regard to my attitude toward summer, others, and, of course, me, myself and I.

Summer is lovely when you have friends and family to spend it with, but historically I’m not great at maintaining a loyal fun band of beach buddies or picnic pals.  I’m OK at making friends, it’s keeping them that has been the problem because I tend to put all my eggs into one basket, and when said old basket invariably (sensing my vulnerability and reliance on them), does something shitty and lets me down, I respond by dropping their ass so hard their nose bleeds.

Classic BPD behaviour doncha know.  Shame no one told me about this, oh 30 years ago?!

In fairness, I always knew that something was wrong, and Aunty C (my counsellor) tried her best to help me change the behaviour pattern without labelling me (something she was and is highly resistant to), but there is something about being diagnosed EUPD that has kicked my arse hard enough to make me realise that the world isn’t going to change, so I have to.

Before I thought it was all others doing stuff to me.

But the reality is that it’s my behaviour that allows them to do it.

And my desire for only a couple of soul mate and no superficial acquaintances compounded by my ridiculous reluctance to do anything by myself tends to leave me in a very shitty, lonely spot between the proverbial rock and hard gaff.

So, as I see it, a two pronged attack is necessary.

Firstly, I need to be more sociable.  Yes, I know I’ve been saying this for months, nay, years now, and I’m still on the back foot, but from now on I am really going to try and get out there, do small talk (ARRGHH!), meet more people and spread my eggs far and wide.

That sounds a bit unsavoury doesn’t it?  But you know what I mean.

And even if the first few times are, sorry, feel uncomfortable/boring/pointless, I must persist as sometimes it takes a while for people to show their true selves and grow on you, and vice versa.  I know for a fact that this is going to be a massive challenge, as I’m not good at ‘trying’ with people, and flee at the slightest whiff of rejection, but I don’t think I have any choice if I want things to change.

For example, I could have gone dancing tonight.

But I didn’t.  I’m here writing this for you because I made up all the excuses in the world for not going, and I’m not going to meet any new folk that I can socialise with in my spare bedroom.

At least I hope not anyway…

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The other thing I have to address is my fear and reluctance of doing stuff on my own.

You may well be thinking right now ‘Why does this stupid mare dump her friends all the time if she hates flying solo?’

The answer is ‘I don’t know dipshit, I’ve got a personality disorder!’

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Sorry, I digress….

The other day I suggested to a friend that we go for a walk in the park.  She couldn’t make it because she had to study.

Did I go anyway?

No.

Why?

I’ve asked myself this a million times, and I think it’s because I’m frightened of looking sad/lonely/conspicuous to those of you out there with loved ones to play with.  However, when I think about it, I’m sure you’re too busy arguing with your wife, trying to find a parking space, stopping your kid/dog from jumping in the pond after the ducks, squeezing your boyfriend’s bejeaned bum or finishing your Mr Whippy before its dribbles down your arm to notice some old misfit like me hovering around the periphery of life, apologising for my very existence to absolute strangers, some who are probably just as weird as me.

And some even more so.

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Anyway surely it’s better to look like a saddo and be out there enjoying the day than staying at home and actually being a saddo?

You keep telling yourself that Sista, just you keep on telling yourself that….

I know it won’t happen over night.

But I am going to try harder.

Because I may not be like everyone else or fit in with the masses, but who wants to be the same old boring ‘coloured water’ anyway?

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And if people stare, whisper and laugh, well that’s their shit.

 

Because one day I’m gonna be happy with my own company.  And when that day arrives, my aura will be so beautiful, attractive and beguiling, I’ll probably have to fight all the others off with a stick.  😉

I know that many of you are in the same position as me.  You cannot bear yourself, let alone love yourself, and at times the isolation, darkness and pain are so intense that you wish yourself to be somewhere, anywhere but here on this earth and face all the shit we have to encounter every single day.

But you matter.

WE matter.

Be yourself, my lovelies.  Everyone else is taken.

Namaste x

 

 

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19 thoughts on “IT’S JUST ME, MYSELF AND I

  1. I moved to a new city in 2011 and promised the first thing I’d do would be join a choir or otherwise set up a solid social framework. Well, one thing and then another thing got in the way, and where do I find myself now, three years later? Still yearning for that network … so difficult. Still, I find a lot of care and support through various online communities. I was judging myself negatively about this, until one of my old friends pointed out that a century ago many people had great friends who were “penpals” – so the phenomenon of being friends with someone you’ve never met in the flesh isn’t new. That made me feel a bit better.
    I still need to get off my arse and get involved in a network, though! 🙂

    • Ha I bailed on choir only the other night! I find networking SO laborious, but I will if you will, OK? x

      • You’re on!!! Seriously, I need some help keeping accountable in this area, because I keep postponing it. If you really do want to encourage each other, would you like to drop me a line at dysthymia.bree at gmail.com? Only if you want to, of course 🙂 I find I do so much better if I’m accountable to someone other than me!

      • Hi hon, I can’t totally commit to this (commitment isn’t my forte I’m afraid, even for stuff I love or want to do) as I’m afraid I’ll let you down, but lets watch and encourage via our posts, love that we’re in a similar position but on other sides of the world! x

      • Sounds good to me! 🙂

  2. A+ for courage with this post. I suggest unconscious fear that relates to abandonment. You refrain from forming friendships / socializing to unknowingly protect yourself from this fear, which may stem from early childhood. Your “all or nothing” when you do form a friendship might be an unconscious way of forming a strong attachment that acts to inhibit the other person from forming or maintaining other (competing) relationship bonds, again out of unconscious fear that you will otherwise be abandoned, replaced by another, be found inferior, etc. Not controlling in the generally understood masculine sense, but acting to protect yourself from potential emotional pain.

    You dump your friends when their behaviour exposes or threatens to expose you to these unconscious fears, but you wouldn’t perceive it as such. The whole “letting you down” relates to such fears, in that you will constantly be judging their behaviour to protect against it exposing you to these unconscious fears.

    Not suggesting that this is, in any way, conscious behaviour. We (incl. me) rarely have direct insight into our actions and behaviours, and often we can only get this insight via analysis of an external point of view, if we can adopt this.

    Just food for thought. I am a far cry from having any expertise. Regardless, hope things work out for the best.

    Not certain if reading this might help or not: http://www.amazon.com/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/1572246901/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1396648806&sr=1-1&keywords=stop+walking+on+eggshells

    It might not be a pleasant read, given your circumstances, but it would provide you with an external frame of reference for how others might interpret interactions with you. Perhaps it can help you adjust your perception of how you are relating to others and how they are relating to you.

    Everybody deserves to be happy and to be loved.

    • I’ve never had a problem with my friends having other good friends, but interesting feedback, thank you for that. I’m on it, re reading matter, bought a few books on Borderline the other day, knowledge is power hey! x

      • Knowledge is indeed power. Once we can get past the shock, disbelief, and discomfort of being told we have X as part of our personality, it can be liberating. We can finally gain a greater insight into ourselves.

  3. It’s amazing the way we bare ourselves to the blogosphere, I often remark to myself.
    But also amazingly therapeutic, eh?
    😀

    • I can do it because i’m anonymous, but would never share this with people who know me! Far too paranoid, I’d have to kill them afterwards… 😉

      • Yes, I understand. I always have a degree of regret about following anonymous people, because I do like to ‘talk’ with bloggers on a more personal level – meaning, using their names as we do in conversation. But I can easily understand the need to be such …

  4. You write so well, are you writing stories? I’m sure You will find yourself in your writing. Confidence will flow from It.

  5. I’d be pretty sure you’re the only one who thinks you look like a saddo. They’re too busy worrying about what they look like – or pinching bums etc – and they can’t see inside your head. For all they know, you’re out there on your own breathing a sigh of relief that you’ve escaped from a houseful of lazy sods and teenage angst. You’re actually amazing, did you know?

  6. I saw this quote somewhere the other day: “When we begin to not care what others think about us then we become truly free.” I know firsthand this is not easy to do, but the more we practice it (I have been for years) the somewhat more natural it becomes. And it really is liberating.

    Thank you for sharing your truth with us. We’re sharing this journey with you. We got your blogosphere back, sista.

  7. “Be yourself, my lovelies. Everyone else is taken.” Loved this, sista. You do write well and I hope you continue.

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