So as of last weekend, it’s now officially British Summertime.
For most people this is great news, but I’m one of the few oddities that dreads the return of those bright mornings, long, heady days and balmy summer nights.
But this year I realise that if I want things to be different this year, it’s me who need to change with regard to my attitude toward summer, others, and, of course, me, myself and I.
Summer is lovely when you have friends and family to spend it with, but historically I’m not great at maintaining a loyal fun band of beach buddies or picnic pals. I’m OK at making friends, it’s keeping them that has been the problem because I tend to put all my eggs into one basket, and when said old basket invariably (sensing my vulnerability and reliance on them), does something shitty and lets me down, I respond by dropping their ass so hard their nose bleeds.
Classic BPD behaviour doncha know. Shame no one told me about this, oh 30 years ago?!
In fairness, I always knew that something was wrong, and Aunty C (my counsellor) tried her best to help me change the behaviour pattern without labelling me (something she was and is highly resistant to), but there is something about being diagnosed EUPD that has kicked my arse hard enough to make me realise that the world isn’t going to change, so I have to.
Before I thought it was all others doing stuff to me.
But the reality is that it’s my behaviour that allows them to do it.
And my desire for only a couple of soul mate and no superficial acquaintances compounded by my ridiculous reluctance to do anything by myself tends to leave me in a very shitty, lonely spot between the proverbial rock and hard gaff.
So, as I see it, a two pronged attack is necessary.
Firstly, I need to be more sociable. Yes, I know I’ve been saying this for months, nay, years now, and I’m still on the back foot, but from now on I am really going to try and get out there, do small talk (ARRGHH!), meet more people and spread my eggs far and wide.
That sounds a bit unsavoury doesn’t it? But you know what I mean.
And even if the first few times are, sorry, feel uncomfortable/boring/pointless, I must persist as sometimes it takes a while for people to show their true selves and grow on you, and vice versa. I know for a fact that this is going to be a massive challenge, as I’m not good at ‘trying’ with people, and flee at the slightest whiff of rejection, but I don’t think I have any choice if I want things to change.
For example, I could have gone dancing tonight.
But I didn’t. I’m here writing this for you because I made up all the excuses in the world for not going, and I’m not going to meet any new folk that I can socialise with in my spare bedroom.
At least I hope not anyway…
The other thing I have to address is my fear and reluctance of doing stuff on my own.
You may well be thinking right now ‘Why does this stupid mare dump her friends all the time if she hates flying solo?’
The answer is ‘I don’t know dipshit, I’ve got a personality disorder!’
Sorry, I digress….
The other day I suggested to a friend that we go for a walk in the park. She couldn’t make it because she had to study.
Did I go anyway?
I’ve asked myself this a million times, and I think it’s because I’m frightened of looking sad/lonely/conspicuous to those of you out there with loved ones to play with. However, when I think about it, I’m sure you’re too busy arguing with your wife, trying to find a parking space, stopping your kid/dog from jumping in the pond after the ducks, squeezing your boyfriend’s bejeaned bum or finishing your Mr Whippy before its dribbles down your arm to notice some old misfit like me hovering around the periphery of life, apologising for my very existence to absolute strangers, some who are probably just as weird as me.
And some even more so.
Anyway surely it’s better to look like a saddo and be out there enjoying the day than staying at home and actually being a saddo?
You keep telling yourself that Sista, just you keep on telling yourself that….
I know it won’t happen over night.
But I am going to try harder.
Because I may not be like everyone else or fit in with the masses, but who wants to be the same old boring ‘coloured water’ anyway?
And if people stare, whisper and laugh, well that’s their shit.
Because one day I’m gonna be happy with my own company. And when that day arrives, my aura will be so beautiful, attractive and beguiling, I’ll probably have to fight all the others off with a stick. 😉
I know that many of you are in the same position as me. You cannot bear yourself, let alone love yourself, and at times the isolation, darkness and pain are so intense that you wish yourself to be somewhere, anywhere but here on this earth and face all the shit we have to encounter every single day.
But you matter.
Be yourself, my lovelies. Everyone else is taken.