Phoenix Fights

Fighting the FEAR, depression and BDP on a daily basis AND making my own bread. Bring it on 2016….



And just when I thought everything was going so well.

I’m two weeks from a pretty successful Lenten ‘best behaviour’ period, and all of a sudden, it feels like I’m about to roll down a hill to nowhere.

It’s like a juggling act really, isn’t it, trying to get all your daily chores done, sticking to your resolutions/good intentions and keeping it all going?

Then something distracts you and you drop a ball.  Be it getting to bed early, eschewing alcohol, or bad carbs ball, one day you forget to do something then immediate sense of guilt/failure unsteadies you, but you manage to flick it back in the mix whilst not losing anything else.  Then another wobble, another mini guilt trip and just as you manage to get everything under control again, Life comes along, rudely jogs your elbow, then of course one escapes, and then another, and the whole fucking lot comes tumbling down around your ears.


That potential work opportunity I was telling you about?

It all seemed so promising at the time.  But now?

Now I smell a rat.


Actually I love rats so let me change that.

It’s starting to smell a little fishy.


Nope, that’s not working either…

OK, so what I’m trying to say is that something seems a wee bit suspect about them.

The first time I visited the company, it was all very exciting and promising, but the second time, their attitude and whole proposition seems a little slapdash/complacent/indifferent, PLUS they wanted their substantial fee paying cash in hand which immediately got my antenna twitching, and as the meeting commenced, something told me that I was not going to get much out of them.

Okay.  So, I acknowledge that I’m paranoid.

And I know in some ways, this could be me deriding myself, by thinking that they wouldn’t (or is that couldn’t) value or prioritise me, and that my old friend FEAR is once again lurking around the corridors of my psyche trying to gain entrance.

But my intuition is 99.9% spot on and rarely lets me down. Even Aunty C acknowledges this.

That said, I know that I’m very prone to letting one bad thing attach itself to another and then they breed like cancer cells, so I’m trying very hard to put it on the back burner, get me balls back up (watching shite TV and skipping walking/yoga specifically) and weigh it all up rationally once my panic abates.

This also might be self sabotage as I’m dreading interacting with the ‘normal’ again.  I say ‘normal’.  I met this woman on the way in and she talked at me for about 45 mins without drawing breath, neither noticing or acknowledging the horrified look and sickly smile no doubt pasted to my chops.  I was bordering on obtaining a restraining order in case she ever recognised me again.


It makes me wonder how I coped when I was working too.  If I remember rightly I was exhausted by the very act of getting into the office, no wonder I found everything and everyone else such a challenge, so kudos to all you people that have a job and manage to stay on an even keel.

And how do people who work, and have a family and kids to deal with?!  Double kudos you people, I can only stand back (at a safe distance with my bag on the seat next to me, no offence, nothing personal) and admire you all for this.

Anyway, it’s a sunny day and I have no excuse not to walk.

Then I can do a bit of mat work when I get back.

Plus I’m physically fitter than I have been for a long time, so why screw that up by eating badly?

And I’ve taken the plug of my TV.

OK, I haven’t but I have turned it off, OK?!

Onwards and upwards, both me and my cojones.

Here we go again.





12 thoughts on “BALLS

  1. Atta girl!

    Regarding your line “I’m dreading interacting with the ‘normal’ again.” I had a kinda/sorta similar experience in the job offer department. I was called for an interview (yay!) but then got cold feet. (boo) I called to let them know that I had accepted another offer. Which was the little white lie that really meant, ” I’ve accepted the offer to stay with the college work and see it through to the end. More importantly, I’m afraid that if I go in for the interview, I will be hired. Then what!!? More office drama? EEK!”

    Now I’m going to post a video on my blog in homage to yours. My apologies in advance if I manage to distract you from your good intentions!

  2. Pingback: Juggling Act | The Zombies Ate My Brains

  3. So relieved to hear you’re human. I’d hate it if you could could juggle all your resolutions with flawless ease and no slip-ups when I’m likely to drop mine like spangles. As for the opportunity – paranoia be damned, hefty fees paid upfront cash in hand always spell scam to me.

  4. They want money from you …? They’re shysters. You are entirely correct in your thoughts about the situation. There now: from the bad comes the good: it’s hideously disappointing to discover the fact, but it’s delightfully good to know your judgement is sound …

    • Nah, they’ve always charged, the whole industry knows it, but the cash in hand thing did worry me a bit, will weigh up all the pros and cons of going ahead with them this week x

  5. I know just what you mean here. I seem to find anything wrong with an opportunity that puts me into the real world…the one where people aren’t constantly crying or jumping off the ceiling speaking nonsense.
    Though a good thing about BPD, we’re pretty damn intuitive…it may be paranoia, but I’d check into it regardless.
    We’ve got a pretty solid gut.

  6. Good luck, hope something better turns up!

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