Phoenix Fights

Fighting the FEAR, depression and BDP on a daily basis AND making my own bread. Bring it on 2016….





If you really love someone, you want the very best for them.


I’m starting to realise why staying off Facefuck was no real hardship whatsoever.

Today is not a good day.  My neck is stiff.  I’m bloated.  Everything has gone quiet on the work front.  I’ve just paid a humungous bill and am very worried about money.

And someone who once was a close friend of mine is getting married next month.

I used to be her confidante in another life, and she, to a certain degree was mine.  But Beth, like many others (and let’s face it, like me), thought that my illness would magically disappear the minute I left the corporate world, and when she for the first time saw me, not even at my worse, but not a well bunny, she essentially bailed on me.

At the time, that hurt a lot.  And whilst she laid low for a long time after, I no doubt communicated my anger and disappointment to her telepathically, lest she think I didn’t mind.


i can do that y’know.  I know!  It’s a gift… 😉

In the year or so that has passed, we have made a number of half assed attempts to meet up, me being reluctant to see her because I was afraid of losing it with her, and she no doubt anticipated this, because each and every time she organised something, she cancelled on me, and each and every time was a sharp, rusty spur in my already severely lacerated heart.


I’m not angry with her anymore though, and in many ways I don’t blame her.  We have always been frank and intimate in our conversations in the past, and it would be hard, insurmountable even, to have to default to small talk as a means to avoiding the massive, cranky, marauding elephant that would plonk it’s arse down between us and trumpet deafeningly in our ears:

“Well?  Are you gonna talk about it?  You can’t not, can you?!”

“She,” it would say, pointing it’s trunk at Bethanny, “pretty much abandoned you, just when you needed her most.  You asked for the tiniest thing and she bolted like Sea Biscuit on speed in the opposite direction…aren’t you pissed off about that?”

“…and she”, turning on me now, the buck toothed bastard, “is even madder than you, is a total embarrassment and anyone hanging out with her will be found guilty by association, so no wonder you legged it!”


Ordinarily I would have no problem with pointing out the intrusive, fat fucker and discussing it till the cows come home, but the stumbling block would be that I strongly sense that Beth wouldn’t.

I think she feels bad for what she did or rather didn’t do, remembers the formidable, accusary Sista that would want to cut through that steaming pile of jumboshit and have it out with her.  This would be something that she would not be prepared to endure and therefore the least painful/intimidating option was probably to slate me to all our acquaintances for not being right in the head, going to ground and use that as a reason that we no longer see one another.

And, given that she is lovely, popular and ‘normal’ (and that I’m not in touch with any of them) they will have believed her.

So we stay estranged.

And never the twain shall meet.  And as sad as I am about that, I’m no longer angry and have left her be.   That said, I do wonder if she messes me around in order to get my attention.

Maybe she’s angry with me for not trying harder.  But I’ve had bigger sharks to fry.

But it’s not only Beth’s recent status that has upset me.  Or the bling on her finger.  Or the million and one friends (my ex friends included) that love her and are cooing and whooping at her glad tidings as we speak.

Indeed I was one of them myself.

It’s bearing witness to the hundreds, nay thousands of them and others that are living happy, successful, selfie/’like’/friend filled lives without me, as being able to witness their triumphs only serves to highlight the pointlessness of my own miserable existence.

Of course, intellectually I know that not everyone’s live is as peachy as they would have you believe on Facebook.  But when I’m having an off day like this, it all sound seriously idyllic and convincing to me.

And in my heart I’m truly happy that things are going well for her, and she has outgrown her self destructive tendencies and proclivity for colossally arrogant, misogynistic, self serving arseholes and has found a nice guy to spend her life with.  He looks like an absolute sweetheart.  I’m just sad that we’re such different people now, and that we’ve clearly outgrown one another.

And pretty soon, our weary old elephant will get up, fart in disgust, swish it’s weedy little tail and slowly walk away.

For the record, I’m glad I’ve changed, painful though the road has been.

I do miss Beth though.

Just not as much as I miss the positive, self righteous force that was my anger.

Sadness is so much harder to bear.

Namaste x




12 thoughts on “THE ANGER GAMES

  1. The basis of all anger is said to be fear. I do hope you find peace and contentment, Sista.

  2. Yes. Anger bears us up. Sadness is merely … there.

  3. See, I’m not convinced she’s ‘lovely’ at all. Abandoning friends when they need you most and then slating them to mutual acquaintances doesn’t sit well with me, however disconcerted she might be. Doesn’t actually demonstrate loving thy neighbour and depth of character, does it. And as for being angry with you for not trying harder… Excuse me? Who let who down here? (God help the ‘absolute sweetheart’ if he falls short of expectations.)
    But that’s rather beside the point. I agree with M-R. But than again, for all its energy, anger is pretty corrosive, whereas sadness does gradually lighten without lasting damage. Cheer yourself up by looking at your earliest posts and realising how far you’ve come!

    • Thanks honey. I have to say though that these are my (probably uber paranoid) interpretations of the situation and her perspective may be very different, or indeed very indifferent, right now she’s probably forgotten that I exist.

      By ‘lovely’ I mean public face and personality, like many and unlike me she keeps her real feelings and opinions on others to herself and is fb friends with people she actually loathes, something I am incapable of. And to be fair she does have a lovely side.

      There is something about people like me that attracts people that think they can mistreat or punish us because they have many friends and we have few and need them more than they need us, but with me it tends to backfire hard because forgiveness does not come easy to me and I NEVER forget.

      But it’s all in the past now! and I must stay off the dreaded FB…. xx

  4. I agree with Helen, look how far you have come.
    Strength and peace to you. Xx

  5. As always, I must second Ms. Meikle. (That woman knows my mind, and you, Madame, my heart and soul. I am certain that MI6, working on behalf of the entire Commonwealth, is somehow involved.) The shrew Bethanny may truly have a “lovely side”, and exercise it on behalf of those she deems deserving; but, it is at least counterbalanced, if not scuttled, by her sewage side.

    And, yes, Madame, this posting is your subjective experience of events. However, as all human experience is subjective, and there is no complete objectivity, I say that this harridan Bethanny—and her “lovely side”—can go piss up a rope.

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