Phoenix Fights

Fighting the FEAR, depression and BDP on a daily basis AND making my own bread. Bring it on 2016….



My life continues to get stranger and stranger; I hardly know my arse from my elbow as I wake up of a morning, not only not knowing who I am, but who I’m meant to be that day.

Yesterday I ‘played dress up’ again so adopted a completely new persona, and today I had to answer yet another barrage of endless, annoying, personally intrusive questions from the lovely young Perkies (Looney Police) as prep for my therapy, blah, blah, bleugh.


‘How has your mood been in the last 3 months on a scale of 1-10?’

My answer?

‘Like the weather.  Variable, but generally dank, grey and grim.  NEXT!’

‘But how would you rate it on a scale from 1-10?’ she asks again helpfully, just in case I don’t get it,  ‘No?  Erm, OK…’

‘Have your sexual leanings changed/altered in the last 3 months?’

‘I don’t have any, I’m more or less dead between the legs, remember?!

Did I imagine those previous three and a half hours of interrogation the other week or has Perky 1 forgotten them?

Perky 2 shuffles uncomfortably somewhere to my right.

‘Do you have any negative interactions in your day to day life?’

‘Well me and my cats get on fine, for the most part.  It’s humans I have a problem with, but I’m not working so I don’t see many people to interact with.’

‘I know, I know…’

Well why are you asking me then?

Poor Perky 1.  She’s only doing her job.  Stop being a cow Sista, she probably has to ask the stupid things verbatim.

But the final question was a doozie:

‘Are you happy in your life right now?’


I didn’t bother to put anything into words, as it was evident that my expression said it all.  That and the previous 5 hours plus worth of answers I’d given her.

I swear to God, if things continue this way I’m going to have to drug myself to the eyeballs or I just know I’ll get very scathing and sarcastic as the weeks go by.

Doesn’t anyone in this area of medicine have any emotionally intelligence for fucks sake?  Also someone should explain to them that there are no black and white answers when it comes to the human psyche?  And how does working out your ‘average’ mood help anyone?  Is there any such thing when you can yoyo from suicidal to joyous, because then the average would be normal, something that does honestly not apply to me?

I know that this is the NHS and they can’t give me personal 1-1 treatment but at least vet/omit the fucking questions if you already have answers for them.

And I’m putting my future health in the hands of these numpties?

This is all very reminiscent of those ghastly CBT sessions I have when I first crashed and burned, and I feel like I’ve been deceived as I was led to believe that this kind of treatment would be very different.

And please excuse my frankness but it’s not my cuppa char.

Holy Moses, I’ll need to pray extra hard and ask for patience if I intend to last the course with this shit.

And on top of all of this, my neck and back are fucked and hurt like crazy.

One day at a time, one day at a time…

In the meantime, what were the good things that happened today?

  • Unlike many, I didn’t have to face commuting in the tube strike 🙂
  • It didn’t rain on me when I walked for 90 minutes to the hospital
  • I made a cracking loaf of bread for breakfast
  • I had lovely supportive comments on here when I logged on
  • There’s less than three hours of Tuesday 29th April to go

Namaste x


10 thoughts on “HOLY MOSES…

  1. I love Aretha, but I prefer Elton’s version.
    You continue to astound me with your perceptive posts and your stated hopelessness …
    Hang in there. What can a person say ? Just … hang in there.

  2. ‘Prep for therapy’? What’s that??? To weed out those who’ve just signed up for a lark?
    But then I don’t understand ‘wedding rehearsals’, either. Wonder how long it will be before they introduce funeral rehearsals.

    • I think it’s this whole ‘borderline’ thing. Having shoved people into one pigeon hole, they realise that everyone differs hugely and have to tweeze us apart. I’m of the emotionally unstable variety. I think? It’s all very messy and laborious and I’m starting to think Aunty C was right re all this labelling malarkey

  3. Your writing is so spot on. if only those people could see how difficult it is for you! Do you write a diary, would that keep the powers that be quiet, so that they can read the complexities? Just love the way you express yourself!! xx

  4. Sorry to hear that yesterday sent you for a tailspin. 😦
    A conversation I had today reminded me of your situation. Makes you want to pull out your hair in frustration.
    Was speaking with my step-son today about the inanity of applying for a student loan. I offered to co-sign for him. I have savings in the same bank and have dealt with them before, so I thought, easy peasy.
    Not so fast! I need to be working, to have proof of employment! What? says I. What if I had a million dollars in an account… would I still be rejected as a co-signer?
    Step-son said, “there’s absolutely no reasonable thought in it these days. Either you check the box or you don’t.”
    Then that’s when I thought about your two rosy-cheeked interns putting you through the paces. Everything has been reduced to a process… to a fast food process and we are the flippin’ burgers.
    Would you like fries with that?

  5. Pingback: FORGIVE (WITH) ME! | Phoenix Fights


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