Yesterday on my Facebook feed, I saw the follow meme:
“Be careful who you pretend to be; you might forget who you are”
And whilst a couple of years ago I would have supported this sentiment wholly, it now kind of fills me with a surprisingly strong surge of rage.
Whose quote is this exactly? Do they live on this planet? Because to be honest, it seems to me that people only survive and succeed if they do exactly that.
Pretend to be something and someone they are not.
And that appears to be in ALL walks of life!
I’ve always prided myself on not being two faced, and that whatever I would say behind someone’s back, I would have no problem reiterating to their face, because they probably know my feelings anyway. I actually prefer people that are honest and don’t bullshit you.
Better the wolf than the fox, as Malcolm X might have said. And I’d rather be an honest person than a conniving, lying, arse licking manipulator.
Just for clarity, this post is not about racism; nor is it anti animals of any kind, ‘cos just to confuse matters, I love wolves AND foxes.
NOR is it or targeted towards those freaky ‘furries’ who get off on sexualised images of animals. Seriously, some of the images I saw when googling ‘she-wolf’ were beyond comprehension…. My inner lupine represents my spirit and not my sexual persona.
EWW! One tries not to judge, but seriously…
Glad we got that settled.
When I left the commercial world, I swore I’d never try and fit into that world again; instead I would find and be true to myself from that day forth. And in my little forays out into the world, trying to find my tribe and a place I can be myself, I find myself become the outsider again, again and again, for all the same reasons.
I used to be (and still can be) a bit shoot from the hip and unsubtle (OK then, aggressive) when speaking my truth, but nowadays I try and temper it with kindness when speaking to a ‘friend’ about what has troubled or hurt me or how I perceive a situation to be. In the way that Aunty C taught me, as she has always affirmed that if one is ‘left with an unresolved “something”‘ from an encounter with another, we should always address this, albeit as honourably as possible.
But on this matter, I think she’s wrong.
People don’t want to hear your truth, no matter how kindly and tactfully you present it. They’d prefer you hid your feelings, continue to act like nothing is wrong and bitch about them behind their back, if it saved them a frank and honest exchange of views and emotions.
That’s why on Friday, I witnessed a clique of friends bunched up together as a united front whilst keeping their distance from me. Why the woman who has sought my company for months avoided all eye contact with me. Whilst the wannabe-alpha woman (whom I will not suck up to and have ignored all her attempts to patronising me) smirked in her corner and spoke to me as if I was a bedridden senile aunt. Why the third woman, who absolutely cannot stand WA, who has slated her on her appearance, her hygiene, her abilities and her personal life extensively to me was welded to her side like a pet chihuahua, or that monkey thing that clings to Jabba the Hutt or something.
And once again, I was the unwanted outsider, and I react by immediately wanting to abandon all of them and leave them to their machinations.
Don’t get me wrong, I understand politics. I know intellectually how to get people onside.
Hell, I even advise friends how to survive in fraught political landscapes on a regular basis, and am invariably asked ‘Why don’t you do this for yourself Sista, then you’ll survive and succeed in any work situation?’
Because I don’t want to. I can’t abide behaving in that way. It feels untrue and totally, totally alien.
But as we’ve previously discussed, I’m not sure I belong here anyway. I’m still pretty sure that someone, somewhere fucked up my travel plans. https://sistasertraline.wordpress.com/2014/02/23/daily-prompt-walking-on-the-moon-loving-the-alien/
Can you hear me there God?! I wanna refund and a flight back home!!
So what do I do moving forward? Give in and start faking it like everyone else?
Of course the problem is compounded by me not really knowing who I truly am yet.
Am just hoping that Doctor Silver Fox will help me with just that. https://sistasertraline.wordpress.com/2013/12/18/name-that-disorder-in-one/
It’s just that September seems so far away…
And this wolf is sick of being the ‘lone’ variety.