Phoenix Fights

Fighting the FEAR, depression and BDP on a daily basis AND making my own bread. Bring it on 2016….





Yesterday on my Facebook feed, I saw the follow meme:

“Be careful who you pretend to be; you might forget who you are”

And whilst a couple of years ago I would have supported this sentiment wholly, it now kind of fills me with a surprisingly strong surge of rage.

Whose quote is this exactly?  Do they live on this planet?  Because to be honest, it seems to me that people only survive and succeed if they do exactly that.

Pretend to be something and someone they are not.

And that appears to be in ALL walks of life!

I’ve always prided myself on not being two faced, and that whatever I would say behind someone’s back, I would have no problem reiterating to their face, because they probably know my feelings anyway.  I actually prefer people that are honest and don’t bullshit you.

Better the wolf than the fox, as Malcolm X might have said.  And I’d rather be an honest person than a conniving, lying, arse licking manipulator.

Just for clarity, this post is not about racism; nor is it anti animals of any kind, ‘cos just to confuse matters, I love wolves AND foxes.

NOR is it or targeted towards those freaky ‘furries’ who get off on sexualised images of animals.  Seriously, some of the images I saw when googling ‘she-wolf’ were beyond comprehension….  My inner lupine represents my spirit and not my sexual persona.


EWW!  One tries not to judge, but seriously…

Glad we got that settled.


When I left the commercial world, I swore I’d never try and fit into that world again; instead I would find and be true to myself from that day forth.  And in my little forays out into the world, trying to find my tribe and a place I can be myself, I find myself become the outsider again, again and again, for all the same reasons.

I used to be (and still can be) a bit shoot from the hip and unsubtle (OK then, aggressive) when speaking my truth, but nowadays I try and temper it with kindness when speaking to a ‘friend’ about what has troubled or hurt me or how I perceive a situation to be.  In the way that Aunty C taught me, as she has always affirmed that if one is ‘left with an unresolved “something”‘ from an encounter with another, we should always address this, albeit as honourably as possible.

But on this matter, I think she’s wrong.

People don’t want to hear your truth, no matter how kindly and tactfully you present it. They’d prefer you hid your feelings, continue to act like nothing is wrong and bitch about them behind their back, if it saved them a frank and honest exchange of views and emotions.


That’s why on Friday, I witnessed a clique of friends bunched up together as a united front whilst keeping their distance from me.  Why the woman who has sought my company for months avoided all eye contact with me. Whilst the wannabe-alpha woman (whom I will not suck up to and have ignored all her attempts to patronising me) smirked in her corner and spoke to me as if I was a bedridden senile aunt.  Why the third woman, who absolutely cannot stand WA, who has slated her on her appearance, her hygiene, her abilities and her personal life extensively to me was welded to her side like a pet chihuahua,  or that monkey thing that clings to Jabba the Hutt or something.

And once again, I was the unwanted outsider, and I react by immediately wanting to abandon all of them and leave them to their machinations.

Don’t get me wrong, I understand politics.  I know intellectually how to get people onside.

Hell, I even advise friends how to survive in fraught political landscapes on a regular basis, and am invariably asked ‘Why don’t you do this for yourself Sista, then you’ll survive and succeed in any work situation?’

Because I don’t want to.  I can’t abide behaving in that way.  It feels untrue and totally, totally alien.

But as we’ve previously discussed, I’m not sure I belong here anyway. I’m still pretty sure that someone, somewhere fucked up my travel plans.

Can you hear me there God?!  I wanna refund and a flight back home!!

So what do I do moving forward?  Give in and start faking it like everyone else?

Of course the problem is compounded by me not really knowing who I truly am yet.

Am just hoping that Doctor Silver Fox will help me with just that.

It’s just that September seems so far away…

And this wolf is sick of being the ‘lone’ variety.


15 thoughts on “DOCTOR, WHO?

  1. So many things spring to mind here my mouth is gagging on them. Hang on while I try to reduce them to intelligible…
    What strikes me most forcibly is that those three are a clique of bitches. I’ll take a small bet that WA has the other two terrorised, and they’re too damn busy fawning to have any principles of their own left. That sort of behaviour is juvenile in the extreme, and wholly comtemptible. I’d be abandoning them in a flash. Life’s too short to be wasted on them.
    Second thought – if these three are ‘friends’, you’re looking in the wrong places. There actually are decent people in the world, who value honesty – and thirdly, if you found them, Aunty C’s teachings would make sense. Tempering honesty with kindness is not a hardship when friendship involves mutual respect.
    You’re not an alien. You do belong here. You just haven’t found the right place yet. xx

    • Thank you Helen. It always seems to be me who is the jarring one though, so I can’t help but feel that I’m the one in the wrong all the time….but hey ho, double sertraline does wonders! 😉

      • Been there. Understand it. But maybe it’s a self-fulfilling prophesy: you mix with bitches who mess with your head and cut you out because that’s what you’re used to and think you deserve. You don’t, you know.

  2. When we moved to the South from Washington state, we were in for a big surprise. I have a bunch of beliefs between church and state, and my first encounter was with a school counselor I tried to contact, and had to leave a voice message. At the end of her jabber, she said, “and have a blessed day”. I forget so many things, that I only have one option, and that is to be myself. If I were to act like someone I’m not, I would forget who I was supposed to be, and when. I had to learn to make friends here, and the only way I could do it was to be who I was, avoid certain topics, and learn to see through their deceptive fake-ness. I have no advice, other than biting your tongue, and hopefully you’ll meet someone who isn’t pretending either.

  3. Because I have no idea how FB works, I don’t know what you mean when you say you saw it on your ‘feed’: is this like someone posting a comment ?
    Never mind, doesn’t matter.
    I think it possible that the author wasn’t trying to be critical but helpful. I’ll admit upfront that there are some kinds of help that should’ve been strangled a birth; but if that was the intention, you don’t need to feel under attack in this instance.
    That’s your main problem, right ? – you’re always under attack.
    Since we know paranoid schizophrenia isn’t your problem, it’s probably the sertraline.
    Any possibility of changing medication ?

    • A meme is usually an image with a joke, sarcastic comment or a worthy saying on it, amongst other things, but it was for all his friends to benefit from, not just me. Also well intended so never thought it was an attack, the sentiment just frustrated me for obvious reasons.

      I’m pretty paranoid but that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Ive been diagnosed emotionally unstable personality disorder which is a form of bpd but still finding out more and hopefully will start a 2 year treatment plan in sept. in the meantime there’s no point in trying to figure me out. The Buddha and the borderline rang v true for me, but even then not everything fitted. I’m just a general fuck up! 😉 oh I’m also hsp just to confuse you further…

      • In which case I shall need to tiptoe around you, right ?

      • I’m not great at being told what to do, especially on here…

        Whilst I appreciate concern and advice, I don’t write for that, unless I put out a specific question that is. I just write to get things off my chest. You can always comment, but I’ll always reply honestly, but you can deal with that, right? 😉

      • Would expect nothing less !
        Erhmm … have I been telling you ? Never any intention of so doing …

  4. I do admire your honesty. Your writing is able to capture your circumstances so clearly. May that true friend show him/herself soon. You deserve better.

  5. Mendacity and hypocrisy, hypocrisy and mendacity. And, as if these were insufficient, add the rampaging Culture of Self-Righteous Victimization. This is our world, Madame.
    Truth and facts are endlessly subjective and infinitely mutable.
    People maintain a constant state of heightened vigilance about what everyone is doing to them, while contentedly disinterested in how they effect anyone else.  It’s not what I do to you, it’s what you do to me.
    Integrity and conscientiousness have no currency in a pandemic of narcissism and self-indulgence.  Too much pride, not enough dignity.

    “Be careful who you pretend to be; you might forget who are”? Ugh.
    How about Kurt Vonnegut’s mildly more pointed , “We ARE [emphasis added] what we pretend to be, so we must be careful about what we pretend to be”?

    And, Madame, you are not a fuck-up, general or otherwise.
    I would never be so devoted to a fuck-up. 😉

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s