I’ve just spent the week bailing on the few regular social encounters I have in my life, carefully but relentlessly tearing down those gossamer thin routines and relationships that bring me into contact with the real world, and simultaneously killing off any fledgling opportunities to broaden my horizons.
I’m not sure what trigger brought on this particularly destructive bout of ‘what’s the point’, but this time it’s deep. All the good work I did during Lent has been lambasted and I feel fat, bloated, tired terrified and futile. All of my new ‘friends’ seem to have cottoned on to my being odd/different/unpredictable etc. and I have little motivation to go out into the world again, but God knows I’m trying.
But I know that no matter how it feels this way, I am not alone with this illness, as many of my fellow bloggers on here have testified, especially this particular post, http://lifeinabind.wordpress.com/2014/05/17/constant-craving-bpd-and-the-need-to-feel-understood/ brought to my attention by lovely Marci this morning, and of course this song lodged into my head at breakneck speed as soon as I read it, and has been there ever since.
Dave Gahn the tough acting, but ultimately fragile lead singer with Depeche Mode always maintained that this was a love song, but for me this is a cry for help.
I think I have found the ultimate BPD anthem, no matter which variety you’re rocking.
How much we all want the world to ‘get us’, but I don’t anticipate this happening any time soon. We frighten people. Whilst befriending a depressive is seemingly de rigour right now in the UK, anything beyond that is downright scary to the average Joe, even here in the capital. After all, history, the media, fiction and movie world can’t resist demonising those of us who are not entirely normal:
BIPOLAR – Frank Bruno, huge, skilled in a violent sport and unpredictable, Russell Brand, foot-in-mouth syndrome and can’t keep his willie under control, Vincent Van G, handy with a razor, has trouble hearing and most likely to stain your carpet with something or other.
SCHIZOPHRENIA – Teddy Daniels (Shutter Island) violent, murderous, self deluded, and would cost the National Health thousands in specialised reenactment therapy, Heath Ledger’s ground bracingly terrifying Joker in Batman, doomed Pink Floyd musician Syd Barrett.
BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER – Oh boy, we have loads of terrifying role models. Evil Livia Soprano, Single White Female girl, Alex Forrest from Fatal Attraction, poor Anna Nicole Smith, and Darth Vadar! And that’s just the tip of the iceberg.
Strangely enough I got Darth Vadar in the ‘Star Wars’ online Personality Test a few years back; oh how we all laughed! Not quite as amusing now, eh?
The fact is, most of us bring as much if not more positive skills/creativity/talent into the world than negative influences. Think of Brian Wilson, Jack Kourac, Virginia Woolf, Ruby Wax, Kurt Cobain, etc, etc, and yes Syd Barrett, Van Gogh and so many more.
So perhaps with a little more empathy, kindness and tolerance on the part of you more judgemental ‘normals’ out there (and much reassurance on our part of course, that we’re not going to take off your ear, steal your identity or braise your miniature lop) perhaps you’d get even more benefits moving forward.
As just a bit of understanding would give us all a head start on, if not shaking the disease, then giving it a bit of a soothing, accepting stroke?
Plus Aunty C (my counsellor) maintains that everyone has personality disorders, so judge lest not ye be judged, bitches!