Phoenix Fights

Fighting the FEAR, depression and BDP on a daily basis AND making my own bread. Bring it on 2016….




Um…hello again.

I’m sat here at my keyboard on a baking hot Sunday in just a sarong, post ice cream overdose, not having been out all day, and I haven’t a clue what I’m going to say to you, so I’m just gonna wing it I suppose…

It’s been a couple of weeks since my last post, but I have very valid reasons for not having been here.  Or do I?

I’ll try and break it down.

Things have all been very up and down, a real mixture of busy days (one of which I might actually be paid for), social days, dark dark days, and days of pure lethargy and self loathing and I totally lapsed back into all of my bad habits especially watching back to back TV hence I am now hooked on this year’s ‘Big Brother’.

I also got very down about this blog and the fact that I kept aiming high and promising big only to immediately default and get caught up in my usual self defeating, self destructive behaviour, so after my last post I skipped a day.

And then another.

And another.

And then a week.

And pretty soon, my blog, my precious lifeline went the way of yoga, creativity, dancing and all of those good things that made me feel that life was worth living, and joined them on the ‘Tomorrow/Monday’ pile.

As in ‘I’ll skip yoga and chill out today, and start afresh, and will be on my mat at 7.45am sharp tomorrow.

‘I’ll apply for a job, any job, one a day, but it’s Sunday so tomorrow, Monday will be the perfect time to start’.

‘I’ll sort out my baking business and get a business card sorted, but today’s already spoiled now so I’ll finished this box set and start as I mean to go on next week‘.

‘I hate myself when I have a muffin top, so need to get back on a healthy eating regime, but I started today with a sausage sandwich for breakfast, so I might as well gorge on all the fattening stuff left in my fridge today (because it’s too much effort to shove it in the freezer – right?) and start everything tomorrow.  All diets start on a Monday, right?

Pathetic hey?

How could this have happened?  Sure I had a couple of busy, all consuming days, but that doesn’t mean I should ‘reward’ myself by flopping out and neglecting my mind, body and most of all my spirit.

I think I was also sick of my own whining, negativity and endless excuses.

But hey I’m here now, and have re-broken my duck (non Brits see link below) in the very act of completing this post.

I know, it’s not big and not that clever.


But from little ducklings, mighty hens do grow, and normal service will resume as soon as possible.

Thanks for your messages, they meant a lot.

Namaste x’s_duck



  1. Tremendously relieved to hear from you always, not matter what you have to say.

  2. I’m glad you’re back. I thought maybe you might have taken off like some new balloon 🙂 And hey, everyone procrastinates, you don’t have the corner on it hon 🙂

  3. I took time off too, I think it’s healthy to have some time to yourself! Love your duckling, knowing that it represents your gorgeous inner self! Glad you’re back. 😀

  4. Oh, Madame, Madame, Madame…Scaring the bejesus outta me, you were. A stoic, dispassionate face was put on my comment of Tuesday last, but, you have had me eating my kishkes out. Mein G-tt. Just immeasurably relieved to learn that you are safe.

    As to every single self-castigatory thought in this post—Oh, bosh. Stuff and nonsense. (Though, of course, it is all too cringingly familiar.) “Pathetic hey?” Not a jot.

    Here’s the problem, love: We so want to be more, yet, we are only human. And, that can be awfully damn frustrating, disheartening, infuriating, and, flummoxingly, both over- and underwhelming. In perpetuity.

    Well, that is more than enough dime-store existential pontificating.

    Welcome back, good Madame. xx

  5. Was wondering. That’s the problem with sharing with bloggers who tell you they get depressed: you worry about them when they’re silent. I reckon you like loathing yourself. You must, because you do it so much. (That’s actually what my husband used to say to me about my feeling guilty about things.)

  6. Thank you for the wiki link. I’d have been clueless without it. A little time away from things doesn’t hurt. Just glad to see you’re okay. Stop the guilt trip Just good to have you back.

  7. Shit happens, my love. We all backslide. If you saw the dust on the shelves here, and knew the number of invigorating walks I’ve semi-justified not going on, you’d feel positively virtuous.

  8. I hadn’t heard of breaking ducks before, despite knowing about ducks and cricket. Cute picture. Oh, and by the way, if you haven’t got naughty food in your fridge you can’t be tempted – easier said than done. I’ll buy something yummy and tell myself it will be doled out a bit at a time as reward for goodness. But I end up scoffing the lot with the first taste. I step away from things I ‘should’ be doing all the time and there is this fairly constant nagging whisper in my ear, mosting hissing about housework and gardening. Left alone, a molehill does become a mountain. Hmmmm, not cheering you up at all … ?

    • I’m ok on gardening and whatnot, but I keep sabotaging my own efforts to financially survive and isolate myself to the extreme and that shit is on another level….

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