Phoenix Fights

Fighting the FEAR, depression and BDP on a daily basis AND making my own bread. Bring it on 2016….

THERE’S A DOG IN THE MANGER, WHAT AM I GONNA DO?

12 Comments

mirror teacher

Sigh…

I’m trying really hard to see the positives in people, but, of late, all I seem to encounter are the negatives…

So I have a very close friend, one of the closest, who is also unemployed, but that is where the similarity ends.

She has only been out of the work place for six months, she and her partner are very well off, her partner will support her come what may, she also has both of her parents who would always house/support her if things went drastically wrong, and, after flirting with the idea of escaping the rat race, she wants to be back in the corporate world full time ASAP.

She also doesn’t have any mental health issues hindering her progress whatsoever.

Beth (not her real name) and I have grown closer during this period and have been mutually supportive to date, and I routinely check and edit her job application letters before she sends them off the the relevant company, but what she has been sending me most recently is so half assed effort wise that I feel that she’s getting lazy and needs to learn from what I send her, and not just send me the skeleton of her communication and expect me down load the job ad, check her CV and add all of the flesh for her.

alphabets-skeleton-dancing-768413

So the other night, when I was feeling pretty sick and muzzy anyway, on receiving another aforementioned Mr Bonejangles, I sent him back to put a bit of weight on with a helpful note.

‘Sorry sweetie, feeling a bit shit post migraine, but can you add/amend/clarify a few things, then I can give it a final health check and amend before you send it out?’

In reply I got a rather snotty ‘I am going to rework it and send it in the morning, get better soon.  Regards Bethany’.

O-kee-dokey.

So I dropped her a line the next morning, again offering to give it a final check/edit, and this time she gratefully accepted.

That little outburst did stick in my mind though.  Hey ho, part of the BDP territory to hold grudges close to our hearts, so I tried to put it out of my mind and got on with my day.

Then yesterday, she got in touch because she wanted to offload about a part time job that was kind of offered to her, and then retracted because she’d be working for a new acquaintance who did not want to compromise their friendship.  In fairness, this friend probably knew that Beth wouldn’t stop looking for high status jobs and would leave as soon as something more suitable/lucrative came along.

But the more she talked about it the more I realised that it might be perfect for me.  And call me tactless but I asked her what this woman was like and if she’d be happy to put me forward instead?

At first she asked for me CV to forward onto said lady. Then she kind of prevaricated and said that she felt ‘weird’ going back to her and it became apparent to me that she wasn’t keen on putting me forward, even though I’m in dire financial straights and could, worst case scenario, lose my property.

And I did what I always do in these scenarios.

I pushed and pushed and pushed.

Because it wasn’t about the job anymore.  It was about (probably) my closest friend not wanting me to have something that she couldn’t have, and didn’t really want, which rightly or wrongly, this old cow found rather shocking and hurtful.

In the end, she wouldn’t send on my CV, but mentioned to her friend that she knew someone who was looking for work and if she was interested, to get in touch with me herself.

I both recognised and appreciated the concession, but was still wounded.

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Because if I could have passed on a job to her, even if it was one I wanted and couldn’t have, I would have done it.

In the shake of a lambs tail.

Because that’s what friends do.

‘But that is YOU Sista!  And Beth is Beth!  You have to accept people as they are, not what you want them to be!’ booms the disembodied voice of Aunty C in my ear.

And she’s right.  I must stop judging and challenging what’s left of my friends to live up to my somewhat exacting standards and focus on my own dung instead.

grinch-heart

But I feel my heart harden and shrivel whenever I am let down in this way.

Then, just as i thought we were done, 30 minutes later Beth text me to say that this lady was interested and passed on her email address to me.

And I was relieved.  Because it did cross my mind that she didn’t even speak to her in the first place.

So whilst my heart didn’t exactly go up three sizes that day it did cease to contract and a little fresh blood plumped it back up to normal size.

Which isn’t saying that much.

But I’m trying dear God, I’m trying….

Judge ye not and all that shit…

Namaste xx

 

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12 thoughts on “THERE’S A DOG IN THE MANGER, WHAT AM I GONNA DO?

  1. See, I don’t have BPD, and I’d have reacted exactly as you did, except maybe for the pushing because I don’t have the guts and would then have beaten myself up about that as well. I sort of understand what Aunty C’s getting at – but it IS what friends do. Isn’t it? Because even though no one will ever be exactly as you want them to be (or I want them to be etc) there are – surely – certain valid expectations in friendship?
    How do you sort out what’s a BPD reaction, and what’s ‘normal’?

  2. I used to find it virtually impossible not to look for the same level that I have – of preparedness to be kind – in others. Then I realized I wasn’t going to find it, and expected nothing. It’s the only way to go.
    Let us know if it works out, yes …?

  3. I do like ‘everyone you meet…. ‘ at the top of your post.
    Do hope you get the job and that it suits you!

  4. Aw, for the love of Mike, really? Such half-hearted, niggardly, begrudging conduct should be considered acceptable?
    While granting Ms. C’s point all due validity, are we not to at least take note of such glaring hypocrisies? We all know exceedingly well—it’s right here in this post—that the perpetrators of such treatment sure as hell don’t like to receive anything even remotely same. BAH!
    A nice sentiment, that those we meet are either teacher or mirror. Too teeth-gnashingly often, though, they are either creature or horror.

  5. Criminy!
    I neglected to complete the paraphrased lyric:

    I’m gonna fix that dog, that’s what I’m gonna do
    I’m gonna fix that dog

    😉

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