Phoenix Fights

Fighting the FEAR, depression and BDP on a daily basis AND making my own bread. Bring it on 2016….



Whilst not everything has gone right for me of late, I had a really good day on an unpaid job the other day.  I was able to laugh, clown, bond and banter and at the end of the day I was besieged by Facebook friend requests.  Well about ten, but that’s a lot for me!

As always I seem to find that by being someone else, I get to show my best/true nature, contradictory and mad as that seems.

Then I had dinner with a friend that I wasn’t sure I could be around, but lo and behold, we had a really nice time!

But as surely as night follows day, this halcyon period of normality is swiftly followed by a disgusting bout of sabotage and self destruction, and it’s almost like part of me can’t possibly allow someone as undeserving as me to keep up the momentum and stay on the straight and narrow.

So, I’ve decided to try and replicate what I did in Lent (i.e. stay off sugar/alcohol and work out more), plus I’ve created a tick box of things I need to do everyday in order to try and help me be nicer to myself and progress in areas I’m neglecting.

Healthy heart check list

This includes cutting losing myself in TV 24/7 and instead, reading that Schema Therapy book (Reinventing Your Life by Jeffrey E Young) and wherever possible, working through the exercises.

One hour in and I’m writing this instead.


Whilst I’ve long recognised and understood a lot of where my shit comes from, and, on an intellectual level at least, understand what needs to be done to rectify it, I don’t like it reading this tome, much less anticipating doing these exercises with a bunch of strangers in September and I can feel a hot murky soup of unknown emotions bubbling ominously within me.


Actually I can name them.

Anger, fear, resentment, embarrassment, vulnerability, shame, despair.

There!  But I will finish the damn thing, maybe even by the end of the weekend.

I’m determined.  Otherwise how am I going to bring myself to even show up come therapy time?

I’m also being pushed by Aunty C to write some fiction, and I’ve promised her I’ll try again, but whether I stick to that one is anyone’s guess.  And when that day comes, I’ll be able to head up a post that reads ‘Everyday I WRITE the book’.

But in the meantime, I had to include this superb Elvis C track.

Why should you lot miss out because I’m a such a procrastinating wimp? 😉

Namaste x


11 thoughts on “EAR WORM No. 22 – Elvis Costello – EVERYDAY I READ THE BOOK #BPD

  1. Love the sound of the writing project!! Sounds as if you are making headway, enjoy the weekend!

  2. One of my favorite songs, and you’re right about it being an earworm. Fortunately I’m going to see Guardians of the Galaxy in an hour so the music in that movie should calm it down.

    I never consider blogging procrastination. If you’re like me it’s therapeutic. Sometimes I need that before I head on to other things.

  3. you are creative the way you get your message across, i love it!

  4. The best-self emerging while standing as another? Why, lovely Madame, not a mote of incongruity there. It is the same alchemical parlor trick that allows us to see solutions to somebody else’s difficulties with a watchmaker’s precision, while we flail desperately amidst our own mischigas—the luxury of detachment/distance. Not as complete as when taking the measure of others’ situations, it still grants a degree of redirecting our focus outward, mitigating the self-consciousness/disgust/loathing that hobbles the “regular” us. (Holey underwear! I stand by the thesis, but, that labored, turgid prose? Mahmenyu!)

    Wait, wait…there was something else…Oh! Right, right, right—


    Ahhh…takes me back 27 years to riding the Chicago El(evated train), listening to PUNCH THE CLOCK on a Sony Walkman, again and again. And, again.
    I am presuming that it was during this era, Madame, when you saw Mr. McManus perform live at least once, if not twice, or even all three times.

  5. ‘Anger, fear, resentment, embarrassment, vulnerability, shame, despair’… I’t like the absolute dread and horror of knowing you need to throw up – but you feel so much better when you’ve done it!

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