It’s still a massive trial meeting new people, even through something like meditation. Because even if they appear flaky or weird they seem to have a life, ambitions and their shit together. ‘What do you do?’ they ask. And I’m at a loss re what to say.
Seeing people I used to know fills me full of dread. Because I’m so ashamed that I haven’t made a success of my life since I last saw them. And I know most of them avoid me because they have no faith in me, and are embarrassed to be associated with me. ‘Hows the yoga training/job situation/book?’ they’d ask. And I’d have to lie to save face.
I no longer want to see those I love either. Because I’m too embarrassed to not be able to pay my way, go out to nice places or even contribute. ‘How are you, how are things?’ they’d ask dully. And I wouldn’t want to answer because they don’t want to even hear a response.
Hah! Maybe I should make friends with my therapy group after all at least I don’t have to hide anything from them.
What is the difference between me and all these people? Some of them at least must have had a rough start to life, how come they’ve managed to navigate the winding, blinding roads of life and get to where they want to be, or at least some place on the outskirts?
Probably because they’ve either (a) had love and support, (b) are made of sterner stuff than me, or (c) when realising no one is going to help, have got on with it themselves instead of waiting for someone else to save them.
‘Cos maybe, nobody’s gonna come and save me….
God after all, is gonna let me fall….