Phoenix Fights

Fighting the FEAR, depression and BDP on a daily basis AND making my own bread. Bring it on 2016….



It’s still a massive trial meeting new people, even through something like meditation.  Because even if they appear flaky or weird they seem to have a life, ambitions and their shit together.  ‘What do you do?’ they ask.  And I’m at a loss re what to say.

Seeing people I used to know fills me full of dread.  Because I’m so ashamed that I haven’t made a success of my life since I last saw them.  And I know most of them avoid me because they have no faith in me, and are embarrassed to be associated with me.  ‘Hows the yoga training/job situation/book?’ they’d ask.  And I’d have to lie to save face.

I no longer want to see those I love either.  Because I’m too embarrassed to not be able to pay my way, go out to nice places or even contribute.  ‘How are you, how are things?’ they’d ask dully.   And I wouldn’t want to answer because they don’t want to even hear a response.

Hah!  Maybe I should make friends with my therapy group after all at least I don’t have to hide anything from them.

What is the difference between me and all these people?  Some of them at least must have had a rough start to life, how come they’ve managed to navigate the winding, blinding roads of life and get to where they want to be, or at least some place on the outskirts?

Probably because they’ve either (a) had love and support, (b) are made of sterner stuff than me, or (c) when realising no one is going to help, have got on with it themselves instead of waiting for someone else to save them.

‘Cos maybe, nobody’s gonna come and save me….

God after all, is gonna let me fall….


5 thoughts on “EAR WORM No. 24 – Oasis – WONDERWALL #SHAME #LONELINESS

  1. Shame and embarrassment are such waste of time, dear Sista. And don’t be fooled. Those who appear to have their shit together may just have their bullshit well organised, and those you think are embarrassed to associate with you may well be embarrassed by their own inability to come up with a solution. Or they have all the depth of puddles, and muddy ones at that.
    Sadly, you’re right – nobody’s gonna come and save you, because nobody ever does, because nobody can, no matter how much support they offer – but so what? You’re into the third option anyway – saving yourself. Which you will, you know. Out of sheer bloody-mindedness, if nothing else. Like me. And it’s all the more satisfying for that! 🙂

  2. AW-MEYN, Ms. Meikle! INDEED!

    Yet, with utter needlessness, he blathers on anyway.

    Not terribly long ago (too lazy to pinpoint it), Madame, I wrote, that the real difference bewtween ourselves and those who seem to thrive is their superior capacity for lying, to both other and self. I remain steadfast in this assertion. And, that chronic dissimulation, vanity and boorishness only leaves room and time for the most pro forma interest in anyone else. (Not that most have any legitimate interest in others, room/time be damned.) Fuck ’em. (Jesus, who’s an obstreperous boy today? Who?)

    A congenital Marxist (Groucho, that is—suspicious of/disinterested in anything/anybody welcoming someone like me), I know your apprehensions of being out-and-about like I know my own collection of fictitious names. Just remember (as you know) not to fall into seclusion. (So much easier to advise than accomplish. Isn’t everything?)

    Madame, you have so much more strength than you can see or believe. You will come out the other end of this thing. With character, style and self intact. @>—/–

  3. Madame? Dearest Madame, are you about?

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