Phoenix Fights

Fighting the FEAR, depression and BDP on a daily basis AND making my own bread. Bring it on 2016….



It’s been a gruelling couple of weeks, but I’m finally starting to see a bit light at the end of the tunnel.

It just had to get worse before it got better, natch.

In the form of cancelled jobs, a parking ticket, some fucker keying my car (AGAIN), and finally the resulting stress causing my neck and back to seize up and go into lock down, to the extent that I could barely move my head.

The group therapy too, has also been challenge and no doubt is all the better for it.  Nothing hammers home your negative coping behaviours more than seeing them reenacted before your very eyes by strangers in exactly the same position as you.


So for three days I was locked in a cycle of misery, worry and pain.

Then last night, i made myself go to a carol service with a friend.  Mainly because I couldn’t let her down because she’d treated me to a ticket, but nonetheless I got out of the front door.


It took place in a beautifully decorated park, with kids, lights, hot chocolate and all the things that make Christmas, and I have admit it was all rather enchanting.  It was also fecking freezing, so when it started to rain (curse you iPhone weather forecast – you SUCK), I got very twitchy cos there’s only one thing worse than being cold and that’s being wet AND cold.

But I didn’t want to let Jenny down.  So I pulled out my knackered old umbrella and stayed with her.

If nothing else it gave me something else to think about than my other aches and pains.  I shivered so much it actually made me feel more alive than I have for some time, in a strange way.   And when we ducked into the pub for mulled wine afterwards, I rediscovered that the biggest joy of going out in the cold is coming back into the warm.  When you stay in all the time like me, this is a bit of a revelation.  Sad, I know!

That said i was glad to get home to a warm flat, put my electric blanket on and go to bed as I was exhausted.

Then some time before dawn I woke up, entirely of my own volition.  And for the first time in MONTHS I was virtually pain free and alert.

Suddenly I heard a happy chirrup and something soft and warm bounced onto my bed.


My Charlie cat.

Anyone who says that cats don’t love their humans, is totally talking out of their arse, or has never given them love and earned their trust.  Because there in the lonely hour my little Chaz, delighted his mummy was awake at such a God forsaken time, purred and butted and rubbed his little chops all over my hand (nothing says “I love you” more than cat spit) then snuggled up close, turned a few circles, and settled purring into the curve of my tummy, making it a the lovely hour for both of us, and this Sam Smith song immediately sprung to mind.  Well a more positive, feline oriented version at any rate:

‘Stay with me

Right now, you’re all I need

‘Cos this is love, it’s clear to me

Charlie, stay with me’

And I was profoundly grateful to him, and Jen, and to God for finally releasing me from my misery, and I have to say, I was totally happy and content.  If only for that hour.

Because then of course Dexter woke up, tried to nudge Charlie out the way, then they ended up chasing each other round the flat at breakneck speed, then both of them bounced and pounced and yowled at me when I had the audacity to try and get back to sleep.

Kids, hey?

I eventually got up, fed the gruesome twosome, had a bath and went to see my physiotherapist who clicked and cracked and manipulated my poor old bones again, and apart from being a bit fragile and bruised, I felt miles better.

Then the day went on like any other.

I found a great Secret Santa present.  Someone dick parked so close to my motor that I had to get in on the passenger side.  A nice looking man beamed at me in the street.  I forgot to buy milk.  I got dropped from another job.  Someone I haven’t seen for ages sent me a really rude, funny Christmas card.

Ups and downs.

There’ll be more as sure as the sun sets and the moon rises.

God give me the strength to stay with this mind set and deal with whatever the upcoming days bring.

Have a good weekend all x



  1. ‘Tis the season for ups and downs, Sista, but I like the sound of the you in this post. And I’ll be darned – I didn’t know Sam Smith was a Brit. This is a gorgeous song.

  2. Aaahhh, wonderful to have you in good fettle, Madame, and even with the enumerated vexations, irritants and chazerei, no less.

    As one to whom animals have always taken better than people (and the converse, dammit), your and Charlie’s pre-dawn agape—it really doesn’t get much better than that, does it? (Inter alia, lacking the ability to speak, the “lower” orders can’t/won’t ruin it with some verbal bilge.)

    Risking presumptuousness, is the terribly handsome quadraped pictured in the post Charlie himself, or merely a representation? (Have long wondered if the two courtiers in your header graphic are the chaps or, similarly, avatars des chats.)

    Sending you all the positive aspects of the season, Madame, leached of all the multi-faceted dung. xx

    • :-). No CD, I don’t upload pics of my real cats or even use their real names. THATS how paranoid I really am. Ridiculous huh?

      • “RIdiculous huh?”  Ridiculous not a whit, Madame.

        The remarkable candor and honesty and openness in which you offer yourself to readers, these are not traits that unqualifiedly serve well temporally.  That is, to present oneself as generously as you do here AND betray anything identifiable would be equivalent to a hemophiliac with a paper-cut jumping into the wolf enclosure at the zoo.

        Underestimating the breadth, depth and reach of the Internet is naïveté and simplemindedness of Candidean magnitude.  And, you may be many, many things, beautiful Madame (some accurate, some only self-believed), but, a pinheaded boob?  Yeah, that ain’t one.  (In fact, the only instant boobery is mine—thinking, even momentarily—that you might be so slipshod.  Great G-d Brown!  My apologies.)

  3. Dear Sista, you are a joy and a legend. Keep up the good work 🙂

  4. Kitties are so sweet sometimes, they just need you to tell them you trust them! I love waking up with a mindset like that. It’s brilliant. X

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