Phoenix Fights

Fighting the FEAR, depression and BDP on a daily basis AND making my own bread. Bring it on 2016….




As promised, I started this year in the spirit of fun, optimism and hope, which was only reinforced by this article by Shakti Sutriasa I read on the Huffington Post.


It almost seemed like an instruction from the universe.

A tall order though, as I am inherently mistrustful of most people, especially men.

Which brings me back to my Cockney admirer from my last post.  Because whilst all the underlying bullshit detectors twitched like a rabbit’s bum whilst he bombarded me with attention and compliments and offers of a lobster dinner at an upmarket restaurant, I did kind of blossom in light of his attention, regardless.

Even when he said the following:

‘Me last bird was a 54 year old ballet instructor.  We broke up because she was insecure abaat me goin’ orf wiv younger women, but I used to say “What would I want wiv ’em, when I got you?”‘

This, as I recall, hung in the air like a the greasy aroma of that morning’s breakfast, and I could not ignore it….

And?  You think I’m also an insecure 54 year old that’s just waiting to be taken advantage of?  Think again Del Boy, think again!

…but I chose to put it on the back burner.  So he likes older women? So he recognises that they can be insecure about dating younger men?  That doesn’t necessarily mean that he’s a chancer.

I did make a point though, of telling him that I’m not into relationships right now as I have trust issues and I need to be friends with someone first before I’d even consider going out with them.

And when I wouldn’t give him my mobile number, he seemed genuinely upset, so, soppy me, my heart went out to him, and I allowed him to give me his, then texted him as a friend to see if he was doing any more shifts as he was a lot of fun to work with.

What followed then over the next few days was a torrent of compliments, statements that he couldn’t believe I was single because I was ‘stunning’ and a ‘goddess’, what he would do for me if he were with me at that moment (romantic, not sexual), and repeated requests for me to tell him if I ‘missed’ him or not.

What?  How can I miss someone I don’t even know?

I would answer them with reservation but it seemed as it he wanted me to respond with the same kind of passion.  He also asked me why I was so cautious, which i obviously didn’t disclose.  Duh!!

He also mentioned that he had had a tough, painful life and my antenna jerked madly with alarm.

In an attempt to calm all this down (as it all smacked of bullshit to be honest) I suggested our meeting for a coffee the following afternoon (NYE), as we hadn’t even had a proper conversation and I wanted to get a glimpse of the real person.  This he could not do as he had commitments right into the evening (fair enough), but not long after midnight, I received a text saying more or less the following:

‘Happy new year, if I wuz with u, I’d have bought you champagne, roses and kissed u at midnight.  R U MISSING ME?’

Yup.  And if I had a dick, I’d be Mista not Sista.

All words, no action.  Who said I wanted such grandiose cliched gestures anyway?  I’ve dated men who brought all the smart dinners, expensive presents and plush hotels already and it doesn’t mean shit if they’re not right for you, so even if he was in a position to take me out, I’d be asking for the cheque and paying my own way, as skint as I am, thank you very much mate.

And what am I supposed to be missing exactly?  Cleaning out cupboards at a refuge with you?

I then wished him HNY in a more conservative fashion, hoped he was having fun and told him to carry on partying.

‘Nah, I ain’t partying, I’ve been in all day’

?  I thought you had arrangements?

Hold on Sista, I told myself, stop getting drawn in.  So he’s lying to you. What is he to you anyway?  Why do you give a fuck?

Because, I think, I got a sense of the real person, the wounded, battle scarred, frightened little boy beneath all the bluster and my heart went out to him.

That said, I gently withdrew and have not contacted him for a day or two.

That said, when I was cozied up on the sofa watching a late night movie with my cats last night, I did wonder where he was and what he was doing.  At home with his wife and kids?  Out on the town with his mates?

Or, as I’ve started to suspect of late, lying on a single bed in a hostel, penniless, lonely and desperate?

And would it be such a terrible thing for me to invite him round for supper and watch TV warm and content in a man’s arms for a change?

Well, for me, yes it would.

Because when a friendship starts on a tissue of lies, AND on the assumption that the other person is lesser because of their age and therefore vulnerable and malleable, that sends my self protection system into overdrive, and the inevitable game of relationship chess ensues.


And I am nobodies fool, because, like anyone else, i want to be liked and loved for being ME and not just a soft place for some desperado to fall.

So I NEVER lose those games.

Except I do.  Otherwise I wouldn’t have been on my own for so many years.


Whilst I like the idea of the ‘golden hammock of God’s love’ very much, I’m not sure whether it’s fully operational here on earth, and picture myself slipping through a large concealed rip in the side and falling flat on my back, bruising my arse and hurting my pride.

Besides, if the universe wanted me to do ‘trust’, why keep sending me shysters who think I’m stupid and want to take the piss out of me?

Or maybe it’s about seeing what I see without getting angry and trusting that my instincts will protect me, and then, only then, might I attract the good guys?

Ooohh….my brain hurts…..too much to think about….

I liked the idea of ‘Try’ for 2015, but that’s too weedy, even for someone as risk adverse as me.  I even brazenly considered the word ‘Dare’.

But both of these require ‘Trust’, which is my biggest bugbear, so i guess the decision has been made for me.

And I’ll stay in touch with Del Boy as a friend if he so wishes, without exposing myself to humiliation or danger, and for once keep the big baby and ditch the bathwater.


My God, what have I done?

Heres to the most challenging year ever.

Namaste x


8 thoughts on “CHEQUE, MATE!

  1. Hope you have a happy new year, my friend! I am in a rush these days but will come back to read more… Smiles, Robin

  2. Sista, my instincts tell me your instincts were bang on with “Del”. Trust is a good thing and I’d trust your instinct on this one.

  3. The ‘R U MISSING ME?’ thing sounds like needy low self-esteem to me, like he’s lonely and desperate for someone to get all emotional with him, even if it’s fake and rushed.

    • It’s difficult when things are said by text, knowing the little I do about this guy, it could be flirty banter or desperation.Thats why I don’t like communicating that way, it’s really hard to get the tone right. I’ve also got to take into account that I’m super paranoid and self protecting, so I’ll still offer friendship but that’s all. For now!

  4. Indeed, trust is awfully tough.
    But, never forget, Madame—you are an awfully tough broad.

    • It turns out I was right folks! After inundating me with OTT texts on daily (sometimes hourly) basis, when it came to meeting up for coffee as friends, he didn’t reply to my one text (to confirm arrangements) for over 12 hours, by which time I’d gone and done something else, and then told him, Dragon’s Den stylee ‘Sorry, but I’m out!’. Much protests and apologies followed and I was as kind as possible, but whatever his issue is, I don’t need any new head fucks in my life, I do enough of a job on myself as it is!

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