Phoenix Fights

Fighting the FEAR, depression and BDP on a daily basis AND making my own bread. Bring it on 2016….

About

What does my blog tell you about me?

Probably more than you’ll ever want or need to know 😉

I started this blog on 1st January 2013 in the form of an anonymous online journal about my life, where I was then, what I need to do by way of my ‘Phoenix Flights’ aka my New Year Resolutions to make it better, so that come 31st December 2013 it wouldn’t be just bearable but a joy to live, as I was something of a depressive, paranoid fuck up, and have scraped by for far too long.

Needless to say, I still am.

Ever heard that saying ‘If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans’?

2013 was to my mind, make or break, but unbeknownst to me, it takes longer than 12 months to unravel half a century of shit, pain, anger and abuse, so things didn’t go quite to plan.  I was taken to some very dark places, some of which I’d totally forgotten about and progress was very much of the three steps forward two back variety, but I’ve resigned myself to the possibility that what I think I need isn’t necessarily what I really need and/or what I’m going to get, so I’m moving forward with some tentative plans of where I want my life to go, but am bearing in mind that if The Man Upstairs wants to pick me up by the ankle and plonk me down somewhere different on the chessboard of life, there is very little that I can do about it.

That said, I still hope for safety, stability, fulfilment, love and health, so let’s see what the year 2014 will bring.

Some observations:

ANONYMITY

It may surprise you to know that I am not a nun who’s replaced her HRT with speed, and bounds around frenetically with small children, straining her spanx of a morning as per my Gravatar; I choose to be anonymous because for obvious reasons, I do not want people to know my innermost thoughts, dreams, hopes and fears.

  1. I don’t want to offend or cause my loved ones any more anxiety than I already do, nor do I want to have to temper or dilute what I write because of this.
  2. I do not want acquaintances to know what is in my heart, as, sometimes as much as I’d like to be able to, I do not trust them or what they might do with such insights or information.
  3. Whilst I think it extremely unlikely, I may have to try and find some form of conventional employment over the next year or two to keep a roof over my head, and depressives/BPD’S who suffer from panic attacks are not top of the average head hunters list when it comes to putting people forward for interviews, so cannot risk being rendered even more unemployable than I already am.
  4. Finally, be it loved one or some total wank rag, I do not want to intentionally hurt anyone with anything that I might say in this journal; well, the best part of me doesn’t at any rate.  Whilst I am a lot kinder than I was a year ago, I have a tongue like a cut throat razor when riled, disrespected or threatened, but I have enough shitty karma to burn off without incurring any more, thank you 😉 .

LOVE

Something happens to you when you rein in your emotions, and are unable to give of yourself and/or accept the love of others.  It backs up within like a great body of water, straining against an over stressed, cracking, crumbling dam, demanding to be released, and there are times when I honestly I feel that I could burst.

I have so much to give and there so much I could do for myself and others, if I had the wherewithal and courage, but it’s very difficult to totally let go.  Aunty C* (more on her later) constantly gives out to me on this, and I have softened considerably, but still cannot find it within me to trust people fully.  I hope that in 2014 I am able to open my heart more.

CREATIVITY

Aunty C* (see?) has, for many years pushed, pleaded, cajoled and begged me to dedicated time and energy to writing.  I ducked and dived and made umpteen excuses because I did not believe in myself, or that I have any talent, but this blog was the first commitment to regular writing that I made for as long as I remember, and now I feel a bit lost if I don’t write every day.

Don’t smirk C, you hear?  Nobody likes a smart ass. 😉

SWEARING

I am going to try and cut the profanity this year, but if the odd one slips out, please forgive and bear with me!  I’m not trying to be offensive, but sometimes, only the ‘F’ word will do….

ACCURACY

Just to flag up, not everything is on here is written in real time:

For example, any documentation of my ‘episodes’ need to be tidied up as they are scrawled on a piece of paper mid attack and are not always coherent in the cold light of day.

On a more practical note, names and descriptions of people are sometimes disguised/changed and times and dates are switched around, in order to preserve both their and my anonymity.

FOLLOWERS

I now have over 300 followers!  Who coulda seen that happening, especially with my potty mouth and mad rants?  Am truly chuffed that so many people want to read this and I’ve made some special friends on here who know more about me than my own family and they have made me feel more understood, supported and accepted than anyone in my real world, and their isn’t a price you can put on something like that.

 

The observant amongst you will have notice the name change and FDR quote replacing the 2013 ‘Flights’ theme of my blog.  This is because the underlying demon that has caused me so much pain all these years is FEAR and I plan to keep that in mind as I move through 2014, both in life and in this blog.  I’m hoping to be brave enough to Fight it wherever it shows it’s pallid little face, will share my adventures, successes and failures with you, and hope that I conquer it or at the very least keep it at bay with a chair and a whip.

Finally and most importantly, even if I’m sounding off about something or someone, it DOESN’T MEAN THAT I AM RIGHT!  I can be a right harsh, judgemental little mare at times, and unfortunately you poor people have the privilege of bearing witness to my ravings.  Gratis!  You lucky, lucky lot….

Thanks for the support to date, and big love you all

Sista Sertraline of the 7 Wounds xx

* Auntie C – my psychologist, counsellor, surrogate mother, aka the person who has kept me alive for the last 8 years and has never let me down.  I dedicate this self indulgent twaddle to you x

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2013/08/14/daily-prompt-reflections/

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50 thoughts on “About

  1. I started my blog right when I first started seeing a therapist. While I don’t blog about therapy, or talk much about my blog AT therapy, both are integral parts to who I am today. Lots of love and luck to you on your journey ❤

  2. Thank you lovely, same to you x

  3. You’ve stopped by for a read! Thank you so much … if you continue to check back into my life – you may see a bit of crazy 🙂

  4. Fancy meeting you here. 🙂 Might you be my cosmic twin?

  5. The answer to the question on your blog’s headline is “YES! You can rise from the ashes and learn to live again!” I see great strength in you. I know you can do it. 🙂

  6. You are such a clever writer – your humour is dry but also sparkling – if that makes sense – and your poetry is deep. Looking forward to reading more. 🙂

  7. You sound awesome. I look forward to reading more from you!

  8. Luckily she removed it. Now the online warrior can rest again! 😉

  9. I have no idea what I would say heh. interesting thought…

  10. I nominated you for the sunshine Award http://soadhachami.wordpress.com/2013/04/25/sunshine-award/ have a nice day ! 🙂

  11. Pingback: “2013 is make or break” | Phoenix Flights – My Mind's Not Right! / Teetering on the Brink of an All-Out Breakthrough

  12. Pingback: Your WordPress Family Award | j9sopinion

  13. You are a great writer and have a great sense of humor…..namaste. . . .Anne

  14. http://talesalongtheway.com/2013/08/10/word-press-family-awards-2/

    thanks so much. Have no idea what happened on the post..but it is legible! Namaste. . . Anne

  15. Really like your wit and veracity. Keep doing it for whatever reason suits you 🙂

  16. Thanks again for your time, effort, and hard work this weekend. You were more than a test subject for the settings, you were actually part of the first step for HarsH ReaLiTy in it’s transition. I appreciate that far more than words can express and I hope you are impressed with the next phases of my endless plan. Again you have my thanks and I hope you will consider writing for HarsH ReaLiTy again. If so feel free to see the new sign up board. Cya on the boards.

    -OM

  17. Hi Sistertraline
    I think that your blog deserves special recognition so I’ve nominated you for the Most Influential Blogger award. Here’s the link: http://www.howisbradley.com/ If you don’t accept award nominations, that’s okay, I’m still haply to give you the recognition you deserve.
    Bradley

  18. I nominated you for a Sunshine Blogger Award. If you want to participate in the acceptance “rules” you can read my post. http://jfrensley.wordpress.com/2014/01/02/sunshine-on-a-rainy-day/?preview=true&preview_id=846&preview_nonce=3c66a01359&post_format=standard
    If you don’t want to I won’t be offended. Just wanted you to know you have brought me sunshine through your writing and stories. : )

  19. Ms. Sertraline—
    Having recently discovered this blog, I am methodically working my way through. Before continuing, though, an important point must be addressed:
    Madame, I adore you. [So nice and subtle there.]
    Your candor, your warmth, your depth, courage, openness, whimsicality, grit, earnestness, daring, wit, soulfulness, honesty, acuity are astounding and immeasurably effecting. [Good, good, good. You have demonstrated possession of a functional adult vocabulary and/or the capacity to employ a thesaurus.]
    You may bear a resemblance to Margaret Thatcher? Toots, you could be a dead ringer for Denis Thatcher and you would still be gorgeous. [Bravo. Your bona fides has now been established as someone who has seen a newspaper or a newscast sometime within the last 35 years.]
    Your anecdotal posts invoke laughing aloud, your posts of scabrous fury provoke snarling recognition, and those in which you are lain low make me want to clasp you close and gently remind you how wonderful you are. [Hm. And which is it we are trying to induce here—stark terror or vomiting?]
    And I hate you. For stirring me so, making me write like the moony, cow-eyed 16 year-old I never was (rather than the middle-aged dyspeptic I have always been), I hate you. [Oh, clever—misdirection and all that. You have the mind of a flea.]
    And I am mad for you.

    • Gosh.

      This is the first time I have managed to drag my fat arse to the PC to write this year, and I am greeted with this?

      Thank you kind sir, you have bolstered my resolve and my confidence in equal measure and I will post something today or tomorrow if only to make you hate me more 😉

      In all seriousness, this is hugely appreciated, the bucket of water over the head that I needed to sluice away all the self pity I’ve been marinating in over the past few days. So very, very sweet of you – ta very much chuck! xxx

  20. Ah, me, she speaks! And she called me “chuck”? Oh, lordy, where are my pills—I’m having the palpitations! Madame, I find myself a bit torn. Positively giddy to have you respond, I am dispirited to learn of your greyed mood.
    Okay! I will focus on the giddiness. As well as the reassurance that things with you are at least in hand,
    your not having posted in a few days. [Attaboy, frighten the poor woman. Let’s wrap it up freakshow.]
    Wishing you alles gut zum neuen jahr. (Because Viennese German is, as we all know, the language of kindness, compassion and romance, right? [Such a schmuck.])

    • Madame, a masterful (naturally) renovation of this, your “About” page.
      A touching use of the Roosevelt quotation. I have always had a fondness for a radio remark of Churchill’s from the same era (it may have been just after the onset of the Blitz)—“Now, this is not the end. This is not even the beginning of the end. But it is, perhaps, the end of the beginning.”
      And as a companion to your citing of the Yiddish aphorism regarding making plans, may I offer the similarly Talmudic, “If you want your dreams to come true, don’t go to sleep”?
      This is your year, Madame. You have that tiger by the tail, all you gotta do now is bite him in the face.

  21. Hi Sistasertraline,

    I did a stupid thing. I moved my blog to a new URL and forgot to notify readers. Total now following = 0

    My new blog is
    Depression and Bipolar Disorder: Insights From a Bipolar Bear
    I’m now at http://www.depressionandbipolardisorder.com

    Hope to see you back.

    Bradley (formerly known as “How Is Bradley”

  22. Well, we each set our own priorities, Madame.
    And I agree—sleep is one mighty fine endeavor. But, as with all things rabbinic, Hebraic axioms are interpretive. My offering of the dreams coming true/don’t sleep adage can mean, inter alia, A.) To achieve our desires, we must be rigourously, vigourously industrious, strive and sacrifice; or B.) If you are sufficiently Panglossian to think of our world as some candy-coated idyll where every dream is fulfilled, you are doomed to disappointment, so you’re better off not going to sleep and creating new heartache for yourself. In short, “Don’t be a moron.” (Which really is the meaning of all proverbs, semitic and otherwise.) To quote Mel Brooks’ THE TWELVE CHAIRS, “Hope for the best, expect the worst”.
    As a rather dour/melancholic-leaning Jude, I, of course, go with the latter reading of the saying. But, I still expect to start seeing your teeth marks on that tiger’s face by September, love.
    (A side note: while I know myself to be a saturnine, black bile type, my volubility here is surprising. Evidently, you evoke this. Hm. Just one more thing to hate you for. ;-))

  23. Sister Sertaline. Brilliant! Love, love, love that name!

  24. Hi sistasertraline,
    You were following me on the WordPress Viewer. I did a Plug-In update on Friday and wiped out all my followers. Please go back to my blog and click the “Follow” button again. Sorry about the trouble.
    Thank you!
    Bradley http://www.insightsbipolarbear.com

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