What does my blog tell you about me?
Probably more than you’ll ever want or need to know 😉
I started this blog on 1st January 2013 in the form of an anonymous online journal about my life, where I was then, what I need to do by way of my ‘Phoenix Flights’ aka my New Year Resolutions to make it better, so that come 31st December 2013 it wouldn’t be just bearable but a joy to live, as I was something of a depressive, paranoid fuck up, and have scraped by for far too long.
Needless to say, I still am.
Ever heard that saying ‘If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans’?
2013 was to my mind, make or break, but unbeknownst to me, it takes longer than 12 months to unravel half a century of shit, pain, anger and abuse, so things didn’t go quite to plan. I was taken to some very dark places, some of which I’d totally forgotten about and progress was very much of the three steps forward two back variety, but I’ve resigned myself to the possibility that what I think I need isn’t necessarily what I really need and/or what I’m going to get, so I’m moving forward with some tentative plans of where I want my life to go, but am bearing in mind that if The Man Upstairs wants to pick me up by the ankle and plonk me down somewhere different on the chessboard of life, there is very little that I can do about it.
That said, I still hope for safety, stability, fulfilment, love and health, so let’s see what the year 2014 will bring.
It may surprise you to know that I am not a nun who’s replaced her HRT with speed, and bounds around frenetically with small children, straining her spanx of a morning as per my Gravatar; I choose to be anonymous because for obvious reasons, I do not want people to know my innermost thoughts, dreams, hopes and fears.
- I don’t want to offend or cause my loved ones any more anxiety than I already do, nor do I want to have to temper or dilute what I write because of this.
- I do not want acquaintances to know what is in my heart, as, sometimes as much as I’d like to be able to, I do not trust them or what they might do with such insights or information.
- Whilst I think it extremely unlikely, I may have to try and find some form of conventional employment over the next year or two to keep a roof over my head, and depressives/BPD’S who suffer from panic attacks are not top of the average head hunters list when it comes to putting people forward for interviews, so cannot risk being rendered even more unemployable than I already am.
- Finally, be it loved one or some total wank rag, I do not want to intentionally hurt anyone with anything that I might say in this journal; well, the best part of me doesn’t at any rate. Whilst I am a lot kinder than I was a year ago, I have a tongue like a cut throat razor when riled, disrespected or threatened, but I have enough shitty karma to burn off without incurring any more, thank you 😉 .
Something happens to you when you rein in your emotions, and are unable to give of yourself and/or accept the love of others. It backs up within like a great body of water, straining against an over stressed, cracking, crumbling dam, demanding to be released, and there are times when I honestly I feel that I could burst.
I have so much to give and there so much I could do for myself and others, if I had the wherewithal and courage, but it’s very difficult to totally let go. Aunty C* (more on her later) constantly gives out to me on this, and I have softened considerably, but still cannot find it within me to trust people fully. I hope that in 2014 I am able to open my heart more.
Aunty C* (see?) has, for many years pushed, pleaded, cajoled and begged me to dedicated time and energy to writing. I ducked and dived and made umpteen excuses because I did not believe in myself, or that I have any talent, but this blog was the first commitment to regular writing that I made for as long as I remember, and now I feel a bit lost if I don’t write every day.
Don’t smirk C, you hear? Nobody likes a smart ass. 😉
I am going to try and cut the profanity this year, but if the odd one slips out, please forgive and bear with me! I’m not trying to be offensive, but sometimes, only the ‘F’ word will do….
Just to flag up, not everything is on here is written in real time:
For example, any documentation of my ‘episodes’ need to be tidied up as they are scrawled on a piece of paper mid attack and are not always coherent in the cold light of day.
On a more practical note, names and descriptions of people are sometimes disguised/changed and times and dates are switched around, in order to preserve both their and my anonymity.
I now have over 300 followers! Who coulda seen that happening, especially with my potty mouth and mad rants? Am truly chuffed that so many people want to read this and I’ve made some special friends on here who know more about me than my own family and they have made me feel more understood, supported and accepted than anyone in my real world, and their isn’t a price you can put on something like that.
The observant amongst you will have notice the name change and FDR quote replacing the 2013 ‘Flights’ theme of my blog. This is because the underlying demon that has caused me so much pain all these years is FEAR and I plan to keep that in mind as I move through 2014, both in life and in this blog. I’m hoping to be brave enough to Fight it wherever it shows it’s pallid little face, will share my adventures, successes and failures with you, and hope that I conquer it or at the very least keep it at bay with a chair and a whip.
Finally and most importantly, even if I’m sounding off about something or someone, it DOESN’T MEAN THAT I AM RIGHT! I can be a right harsh, judgemental little mare at times, and unfortunately you poor people have the privilege of bearing witness to my ravings. Gratis! You lucky, lucky lot….
Thanks for the support to date, and big love you all
Sista Sertraline of the 7 Wounds xx
* Auntie C – my psychologist, counsellor, surrogate mother, aka the person who has kept me alive for the last 8 years and has never let me down. I dedicate this self indulgent twaddle to you x