Phoenix Fights

Fighting the FEAR, depression and BDP on a daily basis AND making my own bread. Bring it on 2016….




‘I lost my heart, I didn’t know what to do, I was so caught in misunderstanding, and I really felt like poo….’

So much so that when the lovely Faye from Faerie Thoughts nominated me for a Love and Kindness award, I barely noticed and forgot to respond properly. 😦

I’m sorry my lovely, but I didn’t like the world, and when I’m like this I can’t feel much of anything and gratitude is so foreign to me until I come out the other end.

But I’m thanking you now, both for this and for your kindness and support of late.  And that goes for the rest of you, including:


Jenifer Brown

helen meikle’s scribblefest





The Jogging Dad


Mr Catgut Dogsbody

My gorgeous menomama3

I know that some of you will be gagging over a bucket at all this cheese and sentimentality, but thanks so much for bothering to read AND comment on my self indulgent, whiney, ‘kill me now’ soliloquies, your support means so much and fortifies me through those long dark nights of the soul like a nice big mug of hot chocolate and Baileys with a sleeping pill chaser 🙂

Big love and virtual hugs to all!

Am I forgiven?





I logged into my account for the first time in 2014 and imagine my surprise when I discovered that I was nominated for another Sunshine Award by the lovely Jenifer from the most engaging Busted Flip Flops.

I can only imagine that this is wishful thinking and she hopes that I might cheer the fuck up already, but if anything I have written has made her smile, then I’m extremely chuffed as she pretty much emanates positivity herself and I could learn a lot from her.


If I had a different head/life/karma that is 😉

OK, so in accepting this award, I must follow a few rules.  The first is to list 11 random facts about myself.  As if you don’t know too much already.…


1)  I haven’t had sex for three years and am completely dead from the waist down.  Whatdaya mean, that’s not very sunny?!

2)  I see dead people. As in ghosts, not in a mortuary. That would be weird.

3)  Keanu Reeves perved at my boobs and grinned at me once.  I was absurdly flattered and went rather giddy for about an hour!  Sorry Jen 😉 believe me it was a LONG time ago….

4)  I love the smell of fireworks and struck matches.

5)  I walked out of my job (OK I was sacked) in 2012 and haven’t worked since.

6)  I am, by all accounts Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder (BPD by any other name) and am awaiting group therapy.  That should be a laugh.

7)  I’m a pretty darn good cook which is just as well as I am a die hard feeder so people don’t tend to mind too much.

8)  Hair has inexplicably started to grow out of my nose, and I now have to trim it.  Only goes to prove that God must be a man the perverse, sadistic git.

9)  I’m a bit of a poet and I didn’t know it!  Until I started writing this blog that is. 🙂

10)  I think marijuana should be legalised, then I could buy some without risking arrest/a panic attack.

11)  I used to be very, very intimidating according to one of my friends.  I am so going to slap her silly when I see her next. 🙂


Now another rule I must follow is to answer 11 QUESTIONS:

What is the first thing you do as soon as you wake up in the morning?  Yell out in pain and shove one of the cats off my boobs.

What is your greatest fear?  That my life on this earth has been for nothing.

Do you have a new years resolution for 2014?  Yes, some of them are in here

What is your favorite song at the moment? ‘Diane Young’ by Vampire Weekend

What is your favorite childhood memory?  In all fairness, I don’t have many, but remember getting a nurses outfit for Christmas when I was very small?

Facebook or Twitter?  I tweet a bit under this pseudo name, but waste more time on Facebook.  Trying to cut down.

What did the last text message you received say?  Was from a friend saying he could come out for my birthday 🙂

What bugs you the most?  EVERYTHING!  Sorry again Jen, but I’m HSP so a natural whinging pom as the Aussies would say.  I’m a lot better nowadays thought so I’ll narrow it down to a few.  Mainly aggression, bullies, people taking liberties and bad manners.  Oh and littering.  I once picked up a burger that a tourist just dropped in the street, ran after him and asked him sweetly to stop littering MY city and find a bin, whilst squishing it back into his big, sweaty, startled mitt.  It goes without saying that this was before I was on medication….

What do you consider to be the most important appliance in your house?  My log fire.  I do not like being cold.

If you could have one song that would play whenever you entered a room, what would it be? ‘Female of the Species’ by Space to remind me of when I was once one formidable biatch 😉

What’s your favorite movie quote?  “Anyone check you for a heartbeat recently?” – The Last Seduction.  Also “Monty, you terrible ****!” from Withnail and I still makes me laugh out loud.  And who doesn’t love ‘We are the knights who say….”Ni!”‘ from Monty Python and the Holy Grail.

Now I am to nominate 11 bloggers I would like to give the Sunshine Award, and they are as follows:

How Is Bradley?

Finding Beauty In Spite of Myself

The Mirror

vic briggs

Running for My Life


Chatty Owl





People I know these things take ages to do, but if nothing else, I wanna know your opinions!

Thanks again Jenifer!

SS x




I was feeling ever so emotional last night after half a bottle of wine on top of my meds, and on hearing the passing of Nelson Mandela, when I discovered that I’d been nominated for the Most Influential Blogger award by Bradley from

Bradley and I don’t natter and banter as much as I do with some of you but he has the uncanny knack of saying something supportive, succinct and totally empathetic, just when I need it.

He is a fellow traveller on the road to sanity, self acceptance and a passionate promotor of a greater understanding of the effects of mental illness and very valued he is too.

There are many on here that have influenced me greatly but not all of you accept or respond to awards, so I’m going to bend the rules a bit and offer it out to anyone who is enthusiastic enough to do the following:

1. Display the award on your blog.

2. Announce your win with a post and thank the blogger who awarded you.

3. Offer the award to as many people you like or to all your followers.

4. Answer the questions that your awarder asked, and then write some for your awardees (or use the same ones, up to you!)

Here are the questions I’ve been asked to answer and my responses:

1. If you could change one thing about society, what would it be?

How politics and politicians are allowed to operate.  There is too much ‘us and them’ going on where political parties are perpetually waiting for the ones in power to mess up so that they can expose them, and because of this so much is hidden from we voters and brushed under the carpet, so that we never learn from our mistakes or properly thrive as a country.

Those scenes from the Commons with all those old buffers bellowing and jeering at each other absolutely infuriate me.  We are paying them for this kind of time wasting behaviour, WTF?  If I had my way, I’d stamp all over this shit, and/or have officials preside over these sessions armed with cattle prods, ready to inflict punishment as soon as anyone started shouting and generally behaving like an arse.

There should be 100% transparency, where people have access to all information and demand referendums when the majority feel it necessary.  We all, Labour, Conservative, Republican, Democrat, want the same things deep down, so to paraphrase Rodney King, ‘Why can’t we all just get along?’ and collude for the greater good?

Very simplistic and naive of me, I know, this is an ‘ideal world’ scenario and unlikely to happen in my life time, but I can dream, can’t I?

2. What do you turn to when in need of inspiration?

My yoga mat.

3. Name one person, alive or dead, who has influenced you most.

I think it goes without saying that right now, Nelson Mandela is in pretty much everyone’s minds and hearts.

What blows me away about this man, was that he could have come out of his prison cell full to the brim with bitterness and anger and organised mass genocide and riots, turning black against white, and man against his brother and no one would have blamed him.  Yet he came out in the spirit of forgiveness and forward thinking, focussing on the greater good, bringing peace and reconciliation to his country and inspiring the world to think differently too.

I have a white hot temper, struggle terribly with forgiveness and have an instinct and desire for revenge if someone crosses me, but I fight on, and on the hardest days I think of Mandiba spending day after day, year after year in a stinking cell, refining his soul, at one with God and resolve to fight harder.

4. What’s your favorite quote?


‘Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that’

Martin Luther King, Jr

“The problem with the world is that the intelligent people are full of doubts, while the stupid ones are full of confidence.”

― Charles Bukowski

5. Share one key insight that has helped you most in your writing.

Be authentic; try and be anything but and you will be busted 😉

6. Are rules made to be broken?

Most of them, hell, yes!

7. What does democracy stand for as far as you’re concerned?

Fairness, parity and equality in it’s purest form.

8.  Something you wish could be done ASAP?

Something that would save our planet, but I fear it may be far too late….

9. If we respect everyone’s opinion as valid, where does that leave hate speech?

Everyone is entitled to their opinion, but some opinions should not be allowed a big, high profile platform, especially when it influences the young, the poor, the dispossessed or the educationally subnormal to carry out evil that does not benefit them, in the name of a God that does not wish them to do so.

10. Do you think online media will replace print in the next few decades?

I hope not. I still like to open a book and feel the pages between my fingers, and looking at moving text for prolonged periods cannot be good for the eyes.

11. What is the main thing you want to achieve as a blogger?

To learn, to share, to engage, to entertain.


As these are such great questions, please answer them accordingly.

Looking forward to seeing your responses, and thanks again to all for your support and feedback this year.

Big love

Sister S xx




As you all know, I’m a total award whore and I was very chuffed indeed to get this WordPress Family award from mrmary at  ASpoonfulofSuga

It’s usually quite hard to figure out who awards should be passed onto, but with this one, there are always people on here that one engages and converses with extensively who do kind of feel like family.  And this certainly applies here.

After a recent spat with a friend, she lost her temper at me and sneered ‘Go talk to your internet friends then!’

So I did.  Because as far as I’m concerned these are authentic friendships and I’m happy and grateful to have them. So there bitch!

I love her rilly….

Who knew I’d end up with a buddy called mrmarymothafuckingpoppins?  We must exchange Xmas cards this year dude, as I’d love to write that on the envelope! 😉

Anyway, here we go….


1. Display the award logo on your blog.

2. Link back to the person who nominated you.

3. Nominate 10 others you see as having an impact on your wordpress experience and family

4. Let your 10 Family members know you have awarded them

5. That is it.

In this instance I’ve taken the last 20 people (yes, I know!) who I’ve had conversations with, and I now pass this onto them with friendship and lurve….


  1. Chatty Owl
  2. tarnishedsophia
  3. The Iron Cheftress
  4. workingwithwords
  5. JayNine
  6. EightLeggedGemini
  7. AdonaiShekhinah
  8. Shackled and Crowned
  9. Jen and Tonic
  10. Lipstick and Chaos
  11. moanymina
  12. annetbell
  13. Tamina’s Turn
  14. starkinsanity
  15. menomama3
  16. ClearlyWriting
  17. Gwen and Elinor
  18. Spastic Sausage
  19. Gary Leigh
  20. crazyaboutbipolar


I’m bound to have missed off someone important, so please don’t be offended if you’re not on here!  Most people don’t follow up or acknowledge these things anyway, but if you want this and I follow you, treat it like a breakfast buffet and help yourselves 😉

And just because this is getting a mite sentimental and cheesy….


Big love xx




Well, my ‘Fotherington-Tomas’ like mood ( ) didn’t last long; around 24 hours to be exact, and it then disappeared as mysteriously as it arrived, leaving me in a dubiously OK’ish mood, but hoping to maintain the serenity that came with it.

Today, I went to the largely empty park, settled under a nice big oak, lay down and stared up to the sky as the sunlight suffused the tree tops with golden, verdant light.


Just being.

Five minutes in, a couple and their kids parked their arses 3 feet behind me, presumably to enjoy the shade of my tree.  One of about 300 trees in the entire estate might I add, but mine was the only one that would do.   Apparently.

‘But still’, I thought to myself as their toddler stared open mouthed at my prone form as if I was a roadkill badger, ‘OM and all that.  Live and let live.’

Then, to add insult to injury, the guy got some paperwork out of his briefcase (briefcase?!  It’s a fucking park for Christsakes!) and started to read some kind of legal documentation out loud to his wife in a highly punch-inducing, nasal monotone.

‘…..the title includes any legal easements….subject to a deed of…..any provision to the contrary…..covenants…schedule….blah, blah….’

This went on for around 10 minutes before I snatched the contract out of his hand, tore it apart with my teeth, threw the briefcase in the paddling pool and stalked off to select another tree to settle under.

Actually I just stalked off, lucky for him I was on a post bliss day.

Talk about a buzz kill.  Why didn’t he go for the hat trick, and just drop his polyester machine wash suit trousers, get his winky out, piss in my diet Sprite and be done with it?


Then I remembered that the lovely, courageous Bloggerita7 from Heart to web had nominated me for the Liebster Award, and this was enough to chase my inner Molesworth away.  For an hour or so anyway 😉

OK, OK, I’ll get to the point!

The rules:

1. Thank the Liebster Blog presenter who nominated you and link back to their blog. (Ta luv xx)

2. Post 11 facts about yourself, answering the 11 questions you were asked and create 11 questions for your nominees. (11!!)

3. Nominate 11 blogs who you feel deserve to be noticed and leave a comment on their blog letting them know they have been chosen.

4. Display the Liebster Award logo.

5. No tag backs meaning you can’t just re nominate the person who nominated you.

So, the questions put forth to me (with my answers) are as follows:

1) Write down one of the happiest moments of your life that first comes to your mind. – Lying on a damp bed post coitus with boyfriend of the time facing a wide open window watching a tropical thunderstorm rage.  ‘Twas powerful.

2) Write down one of the saddest or toughest moments of your life that first comes to your mind. – When my young nephew had a heart attack, fell into a coma and died six months later of cancer.  Some things you can never totally come to terms with.

3) Do you love animals and would you keep pets? – To say I love animals would be an understatement.  I would have a houseful of ’em if I could.

4) What is the man/woman of your dreams like if you are single and if not what do you like best about your partner? – My ideal man would be strong, gentle, humane, ethical, funny, childish, mature, passionate, masculine, athletic, love animals and make a stonking cup of tea.  Oh and not snore or fart.  Otherwise the corks, clothes pegs and knitting needles come out….

5) Do you think all people can find love in their lifetime? – I’d like to say yes, but in my heart I don’t believe so.  Then again, I would say that, I’m a depressive and we’re not the most optimistic of folk….

6) What is your one aim or ambition for the next ten years? – To figure out WTF I’m doing here

7) What is your favorite cuisine? – Too many to choose from, but probably Modern British

8)What is your dream house like? – A mill in the countryside, a lighthouse on a beach, or this place:


9) What are your talents? – Um, mainly creative stuff

10) Do you sing or dance or both? – I dance and have sung in a choir, badly albeit.

11) Do you believe it is okay to hold on to the child in you? – It’s imperative, life is far too boring otherwise

Here are my blog nominations, all of whom are fab:

1)  Sips of Jen and Tonic

2)  don of all trades

3)  Life, the Universe and would you pass the custard creams?

4)  starkinsanity

5)  EightLeggedGemini

6)  Tarnished Sophia

7)  Menomama3’s Blog…

8)   My Gay Mom

9)  JayNine

10) Chatty Owl

11) LindaGHill

Here are my 11 questions:

1.  Do you think you are capable of killing another human being?

2.  City, country or coast?

3.  If you found £50/$50 inside a store, would you hand it in?

4.  Haagen Dazs or Ben & Jerrys?

5.  Have you ever spent money on calling into a reality TV show, which one and why?

6.  When was the last time you lost your temper and why?

7.  What have you done in your life that you are most proud of?

8.  Have you ever had sex when you really didn’t want to?

9.  What is better, being ‘nice’ or being honest?

10. Do you believe in God?

11. What would be your epitaph?

Incidentally I don’t care if you don’t do awards, don’t want to pass it on or have the badge on your website; this has taken me 90 MINUTES to do, and I’m asking you these questions because I’m INTERESTED in your opinions, so answer the damn questions *biatches, OK?!

SS x

* meant in a ‘caring’ way.

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Today isn’t the best of days.

It’s one of those days where my greatest ambition for myself is to get my fucking feet warm, hunker down and to somehow escape the world, and all of it’s inhabitants.

I don’t think it’s about being rebuffed by my estranged friend; I’d have been most surprised had she climbed off her high horse and had a real, honest heart to heart with me.  The silent treatment is what I expected and essentially it’s what I got, but at least I can close this chapter knowing that I did my best to fix things.

I’m not great at swallowing my pride, but I did it 🙂 and I’ll do it again 🙂 🙂


Good things that happened today?  Nothing much so far (haven’t dropped the kettle whilst making tea?!), but the other day I got this Versatile Blogger award from PourMeAMilk which was a lovely surprise as he’s only just started following me, so I’m flattered to say the least.  Check out his blog, muchos funny, also touching, plus he introduced me to some skeleton in a suit that chucks beads at people….

Seven random facts about moi:

1. Sometimes I just don’t want to be here.  Not in a ‘goodbye cruel world’ kinda way, more of a ‘I’ve had enough of being in this kitchen at this endlessly tedious party and if I just sneak out the back door with this six pack of Stella, hopefully no one will notice’ kind of way.  I’ve yet to make it all the way down the corridor though, without some drunken bastard dragging me back….

2. The second and third toes on both of my feet are slightly webbed. Cue ‘Duelling Banjoes’ :-s

3. Jeremy Paxman once nearly fell off his bike trying to look up my skirt when the wind blew it up around my neck whilst I was walking through town.

4. I’ve sometimes put my life at risk when threatened because my stupid pride won’t let me show fear or back down.

5. I have many regrets for letting fear rule my life, and still need to conquer this.

6.  I haven’t had sex for two years.

7.  I’m afraid of going back out into the big wide world.

I suppose I am waffly, sorry, awfully versatile though, but hey, this comes with the territory when you ping pong back and forth from mood to mood on an almost hourly basis, so I think the one thing that I can promise you as that there isn’t and probably never will be anything that even resembles consistency on here!

My nominees?

This is where I break the rules ‘cos I’m nominating all of you!

Not because I am lazy <looks innocent> but because I wouldn’t be following you if I didn’t lurve your work and I want to say think you for being there, entertaining, amusing and inspiring me every day.

Seriously being on here has literally saved a small percentage of my sanity and I can’t imagine ever stopping.


Big love x

P.S. The next clip is for old Brits who want to be driven mad by old ad jingles – enjoy (if that’s the right word)….

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Thanks again soadhachami for nominating me for The Wonderful Team Member Award!  You little tinker….

OK, guys, you know the drill….

The Rules for this Award are:

1. The Nominee of the Wonderful Team member Readership Award shall display the logo on his/her blog.

2. The Nominee shall nominate 14 readers (friggin’ hell….) they appreciate over a period of 7 days, all at once or little by little.

3. The Nominee shall name his/her Wonderful Team Member Readership Award nominees on a post or on posts during 7 days.

Over a period of 7 days (1 week), the Nominee shall nominate a number of readers that he or she appreciates – this can be done at any rate during the week. It can be all on one day or a few on one day and a few on another day, as most convenient to the Nominee.

The Nominee shall name his or her Wonderful Team Member Readership Award nominees on a post, or on posts during the 7 day (1 week) period.

I have no idea whether you lot are members of a team, or ‘team players’ per se (or indeed, whether such a description applies to my good self) so I have tried to choose people that haven’t been selected before, just for the fact that they are good/creative/innovative/funny/screwed up enough for me to want to read/follow:

My nominees are:

  1. ///Wondering Cat///
  2. scarswarm
  3. Stretchy Hannah
  4. 18yearsyoung
  5. Banishedman’s Blog
  6. Lou’s Story
  7. Texana’s Kitchen
  8. Expect the Unexpected
  9. everyday gurus
  10. Not wierd…Limited Edition
  11. Book Reviews & Poetry
  12. don of all trades
  13. Before we could talk
  14. Who The Hell Am I


So there you have it!  If you don’t want to accept or follow up, that’s FINE, be like that then, I’ll just leave that to you and your conscience 😉 but anyway I like your stuff, so take the compliment, OK? 🙂