Phoenix Fights

Fighting the FEAR, depression and BDP on a daily basis AND making my own bread. Bring it on 2016….


DAILY PROMPT: In Loving Memory – EAT ME



‘Here I lie all spent and gone

I am dead but you’re not done

Much you took, but hear me, Living

I’m the gift that keeps on giving


Here I lie all spent and gone

But your greed it has not done

In life you took from me, but still

There’s yet the reading of the Will


But before you exit Hon

The giving is not as yet done

There’s my wake and if you might

Will you stay for a quick bite?


There is coffee, there is tea

Much for you, and much of me

For the main course is a roast

Of the girl you’ll miss the most!


Have some bicep, have some pec

Bite me, get it down your neck

Binge on this my last repast

You can even eat my ass


Oh, you’re a veggie do you say?

Do not fret my friend, I pray

I will don a mushroom suit

And you can dine on my grey fruit


You going to pass? Well OK Honey

Just don’t think you’ll get my money

EAT ME, or you won’t make good

So lick it good just like you should


There! I knew you’d join the dots

A leopard does not change its spots

Have some wine my friend and pray

That it might take the taste away


You took in life, you take in death

But as I inhaled my last breath

You were not there to keen or mourn

I died alone, as I was born


So as you suck and gnaw my fingers

I pray that this grave lesson lingers

And you then know, my kith and kin

That you get out what you put in


Take my money, splurge and spend

But Death will come for you my friend

One day when you will lease expect it

Then you will leave the stage and exit


Will you give as much as taken

From your greed will you awaken

And vow to give and love enough

Cos in the end it’s all just stuff


You’ve ate your fill, oh praise the Lord

It’s time to go get your reward

I hope it feeds you and you find

I’ve left the best of me behind


Here I lie all spent and gone

I am dead so now we’re done

Much you took, but please do know

You only reep just what you sow



YOUNG BPD WOMAN (Inspired by Maya Angelou)


Pretty young women think they know my shit

I’m not cute, an old boot, gone down hill quite a bit

But the truth is much more,

Than I’d care to admit

I say

It’s in the storm in my heart,

The voice in my head,

That tells me I’m worthless,

And wish I were dead.

BPD woman


Old BDP woman,

That’s me.

I’d walk into a room

Just as cool as you please,

And to men I would seem

Just a cold hearted tease

But some would still come,

The hunter, the sleaze

I say,

‘Twas the ice in my eyes,

And the curl of my lip,

The putdown, the shutdown,

The jut of my hip

The terror I hid ‘neath the sarcastic quip

I was woman


Cynical woman,

That was me.

Those men themselves wondered

What they saw in me.

They tried so much

But did not touch

My cold dark mystery.

I tried not to show them,

I’d not have them see

I’d say,

‘It was mark of my father,   

The scorn of his son

The fearing, the jeering

At school, from that scum

You think you can touch me?

Well think again, chum’

I’m a woman


Impenetrable woman,

That’s me.

Now you understand

Why I live alone

No family to love me

No real sense of home

BDP girls when you read this

Please learn from my poem

I’m BPD woman

So solitary

Solitary woman

That’s no way to be

Girl, your enemy is not without, It’s within

Don’t make others suffer

It wasn’t their sin

Try not to reject love

Before it begin

I say…..

Raise your chin, flash a grin

Bathe the world with your smile

For the love of another

Can make life worthwhile

Swing those hips

Shake those tits

For all you are worth

And try to find joy

On this place we call earth

And when demons rise up

All howling en masse

Take shelter and know

That this too shall soon pass

And accept some support

From your woman or man

For to struggle alone

Was not part of God’s plan

I say…

It’s the light in your eyes

The strength in your heart

Your youth and your beauty

That’s only the start

Of all that you are and are willing to be

BDP woman


Phenomenal BDP woman,

That is thee.

Namaste little sistas xxxx




I made it back

I hit the mat

But in my head are those mean twats

Who say that I should disappear

But I still made it, I’m still here


It is as tough as I recall

Some poses I can’t do at all

My muscles ache, my joints they creak

Whilst my demons hiss and speak


‘If your old workmates saw you now

They would seriously have a cow!

A teacher, you?!’ they laugh and jeer

‘So much for old ambitions, dear!’


And I’m ashamed, I must confess

Poor body, it’s in such a mess

Days, weeks, months, years, gone I know

I didn’t mean to neglect it so.


‘Get through this class, then move your ass

Go home and put it in the past

You know you’re not good at committing

Just hit that sofa, stick to knitting’


They have a point, I know they’re right

But I won’t go down without a fight

I may be tired and full of fear

But I’m still moving, I’m still here


Those years are dead and gone, God knows

As for tomorrow, fuck, who knows

I may just end up staying in bed

And let those bastards fill my head


But now, I’m present in the zone

And whilst I may still long for home

I move my ass, lunge, dip and breathe

And let those bastards curse and seethe


I’m looser now, I’m feeling lighter

If nothing else I’m still a fighter

So hear this demons, loud and clear

‘Namaste bitches, I’m still here’












Poem inspired by recent deaths, both in and out of the public eye, and the nature of modern ‘friendship’.


Oh everybody loves you when you’re dead

Those accolades they go straight to your head

Well they would if it were there

Half mine’s splattered on the stair

Oh yes, everybody loves you when you’re dead


Everybody loves you when you’re gone

It helps that you don’t need them to lean on

You don’t lean on anything

When from a ceiling you do swing

In those darkest hours just before the dawn


Oh yes, you are adored when you’re no more

And not a living, frightened, needy bore

‘Oh I wish I’d known the score’

Well you would have, silly whore

If you’d gotten up and answered your front door


Everyone loves a funeral doncha know

It means you get to put on such a show

Of how much love you had

For this person oh so sad

That you hadn’t seen for, oh, 2 years or so?


And you always give good quote

And you’ll don black shades and coat

And you get to show off that new Prada tote….


And naturally the wake you will attend

And meet your buddy’s other lovely friends

And stories you will share

About the times so free from care

Or so it seems to suit you to pretend


So the next time you are needed, my dear friend

Perhaps you’ll help and be there till the end

As believe me, it is true

That one day it might be you

Who seeks that ole Grim Reaper to befriend


Everybody loves you when you’re dead

The eulogies they’d go straight to my head

If I could hear their song

But alas I’m dead and gone

As your words die, like your roses, so blood red



Daily Prompt: Write Here, Write Now – I SAW YOU LOOKING AT MY TIT

Write a post entirely in the present tense.

This poem is dedicated to the young man who just did my ECG examination:


I saw you looking at my tit

You went all red, you little git

And though I should be in a snit

I am amused, I must admit


I saw you looking at my bap

My cotton robe, it had a gap

I should have given you a slap

You sneaky, cheeky little chap


You took a peek at my booby

They’re not all that, you must agree

So I am pleased you’d want to see

The honkers of old, bonkers me


I caught you looking at my tit

Young man, so virile, strong and fit

And though I should be in a snit

I’m chuffed, you fluffed up little git

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TOFFEE APPLE KISSES (Inspired by “Philomena”)


I saw you on the waltzers

To me you looked so cool

They way you leapt from car to car

And played for me, the fool

Your tight Levi’s, your muscled thighs

Oh they were just the start

But your toffee apple kisses, they went straight to my heart


I cursed my stupid uniform

My English Language folder

You didn’t mind though, you were kind

You said that I looked older

You bought for me a toffee apple

All crisp and sweet and tart

And then with a flick, of your tongue tip

You eased my lips apart


I’ve never had a boyfriend

I’d never had a kiss

I never thought, that what you taught

Could make me feel like this

The kiss did not stay on my mouth

It went core deep and low

And grazed me there, in that place where

Our priest said none should go


We held hands on the the boulevard

Strolled to the ‘Hog & Shed’

The lager top and fag ash clouds

Fair went straight to my head

You asked had I a boyfriend

And when I told you ‘No’

Your ‘special place’ we went

Behind the ‘Punch and Judy’ show


You said I shouldn’t be afraid

It wouldn’t hurt at all

You said it didn’t count

If we kept up against the wall

You asked why God would punish me

When we were going to do

The very thing that He made

Our bodies urge us do


And then you were inside me

And everything went white

The pain, the shame, the pleasure train

Shot out into the night

My first new bra was twisted

My kickers on the ground

And when you stopped, my toffee apple

Nowhere to be found


A year has passed since we last met

And much has come to pass

I’ve been disowned, thrown out of home

Was branded ‘tart’ and ‘brass’

The nuns they took my baby

The workhouse I did go

‘Repent thee Eve’ the sisters chide

‘You reap just what you sow’


You know it wasn’t OK

You knew it was a risk

You knew you took my maidenhood

The price – a candy kiss

I’d never have let you touch me

Had I known what comes to pass

From letting your goo inside my foo

As the cold brick scraped my ass


And now you’re nowhere to be seen

Or that’s what your friends say

You’re working down in Blackpool now

Or, some said, Whitley Bay

But one day this will catch you up

My tattoed gypsy beau

And then you’ll know, you seed did grow

And ‘You’ll reap just what you sowed’


I saw you on the waltzers

To me you looked so cool

They way you leapt from car to car

And played me for a fool

Your tight Levi’s, your pack of lies

They tore my life apart

But your toffee apple kisses, they went straight to my heart





I’ve hit the wall, and this I know

For me there’s just one room to go

Whilst there are places I could be

I’d rather stay and watch TV

Seconds, minutes hours and days

Are eaten up as I betray

All that I could work to be

But, I’m here, my dear, watching TV

Am I lazy?  Is it fear?

Or pain that keeps me sitting here?

Just how fucked up can I be?

God how I long just to be free

Of sleeping, waking, eating, shitting

And find a place that is more fitting

For a creature such as me

Who pores, eyes sore, at her TV

But I can’t keep on being a slob

As soon I’ll need to get a job

And walk the wheel, and watch the clock

And hope that opportunity will knock

Before despair devours my brain

And sends me totally insane

But today is not that day

And while I sit and watch, I pray

That I can get out on my own

And try and make this earth my home

But today, I will not move

As I don’t have the strength to prove

Anything to you or me

So I will stay and watch TV




They sneakily go where most fear to tread

Those thoughts that creep inside my head

Saying ‘What IS the point?

Crowing ‘Who really cares?

This life is only for ‘she who dares’’


They freakily seep into my psyche

And tell me my end should now be in sight

Suck love from my heart, then shit in my mind

Then tell me I have no ties that bind


‘Only friends that sneer

And the gossip they spew

And dicks that piss on your BBQ

And those pricks that exist to burst your bubble

All aspire and conspire to double your trouble


At each start of the day, at the end of the night

You secretly know there is no hope in sight

‘Oh what is the purpose of me being me?’

You cry to a God you can’t hear or see


You’re all alone in this world, it’s true

And no one with think any less of you

If you ceased to try

If you went away

And we don’t mean an hour or even a day

But to an endless sleep you could always steal

Now isn’t that better than having to feel?’


Then another voice dreamily seems to say

You know that I’m there every inch of the way

And though you may think I can’t hear or won’t see

All you behold, is all part of me’


Then airily, fairily drifts away

It never ever seems to stay

And my demons tighten up their grip

As I cling on with bleeding fingertips


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What’s she got that I have not?

Well, as It turns out, quite a lot….


A past to envy

So filled with love

Not one you’d write a shit memoir of

Mum and Dad and siblings all smiling

Mine were somewhat less beguiling

God could not have smiled upon you more

You lucky, plucky girl next door


A popular kid

With lots of mates

Not the geek in the corner that everyone hates

A straight A student, the world at her feet

No reason to sweat, or fret or cheat

Parties, and ponies and school trips galore

Nothing’s too good for the sweet girl next door


A career to envy

Opportunities knocked

When every road I e’er travelled was blocked

Always the right place, always on time

A knack, as it happens, that never was mine

Just a smile to beguile and they could not ignore

That charming, disarming, girl from next door


And her good looks meant she had plenty of dates

But she never gave anyone reason to hate

Girls want to be like her, men want her so bad

To their mums she’s the daughter that they never had

A leader, a breeder, could you ever want more?

That moreish, non whoreish, girl next door


And given that she was so generously blessed

I’m guessing she’s never, ever depressed

So, sane as well as being a looker

Not a seething, fucked up, dark pressure cooker

Always happy, life’s never a chore

For that chirpy, perky, girl from next door


So how do I know that all this is true?

Well I saw a filmed tribute created by you

So now to my cost, I know the attraction

Is not just a result of a physical reaction


And hard as it was for me to sit there and stick

And watching it did make me feel kind of sick

I endured till the end, and to no real surprise

I finally saw her through your big brown eyes

And I had to admit, to my dismay

I’d want her too, if I happened to be gay


I still don’t know how it came to be

That she is she, and I am me

To God I cried out to, in my despair

‘How is this really even fair?’


‘Had I had her life

Supportive and kind

Would love, kids and happiness now be mine?

Would I be in the arms of a loving man

Who would do for me the best that he can

Would he gaze at ME with love and wonder

And let no woman put asunder?’


But God stays silent

God answers not

God doesn’t seem to care a jot

That it would been much better for me

Had she been I, and I been she


So I’ll move on

What else can I do?

There is just no use talking to

A Father that I could hold dear

If he stopped pretending not to hear


So I’ll close this book

I’ll shut this door

There isn’t anything to fight for

But one thing I now understand

I have no doubt that God’s a man




No moving forward

No going back

My mind is on the same old track

Not knowing what the day may bring

I’m a twisty, turny, squirmy thing


Too tired to move

Too restless to sit

Full to the brim

With frustration and shit

Wish I could sleep and wake in Spring

But no rest in a nest for this squirmy thing


My foot it flicks

I stretch and groan

What dwells within me is not my own

And it does not like the waiting game

This Tardis within my tiny frame


I wish I could say

I wish I could do

The thing that it so seems to want me to

But I still don’t know how to turn it loose

So jiggle and wiggle at it’s abuse


‘Let me out!’ it says

‘Just let me BE!’

But I just cannot seem to find the damn key

So I shift, and twitch, and flail and fling

And curse at this wormy, squirmy thing


No food will nourish

No drink with sate

No drug will quell this anxious state

It won’t be defeated or overthown

It will not leave me the hell alone


I’m trying God

My heart’s aflame

With stuff I cannot even name

How am I s’posed to let it be

When I know not what it wants from me?


Give me a clue

Show me the way

As I can’t face yet another day

And some direction, please do bring

This twisty, turny, squirmy thing


No moving forward

No going back

My mind is on the same old track

Now wondering what my God may bring

I’m a twisty, turny, squirmy thing