I have a confession to make.
I appear to be having the female/middle aged version of wet dreams on a disturbingly frequent basis, and wake up feeling as if I’ve just orgasmed or am about to.
Sometimes I can feel myself actually rearing and thrusting like a frustrated filly in my sleep.
Talk about ‘Giddy up Cowboy’….
Whilst it is no doubt a clear sign that my body is in good health, I treat it like a malady as opposed to a ‘happy ending’ per se. That is to say in the way one treats a headache.
Your head starts throbbing, take a couple of panadol so that it doesn’t interfere with your day.
Your crotch starts throbbing, have a quick wank for the same reason. To shut it up so you can get on with more important things.
Somehow, despite the menopause, despite the fact that I’m still taking meds, and over a year of my studiously ignoring it, my libido is once again stomping its foot, demanding to be heard.
I know, I know, sex is a wonderful part of life and doesn’t have to end after the menopause, and you can always get an understanding partner and buy shares in ‘slide and glide’, blah, blah, bleugh.
It’s just that it’s just soooo….bloody inconvenient.
It’s hard enough to get a date in London when you’re in a job and the right side of 30, but an over 50 year old, jobless, post menopausal BPD depressive?
Seriously where do you start?
Get a fuck buddy, some might say?
Not a bad suggestion, but I’m scared. I haven’t been penetrated for at least four years, and (a) my mimsy might not allow a willie in, (b) it might (will) hurt, and (c) it might get stuck, and I don’t fancy being hauled off to my local Casualty clinging to the body of Mr A Nother as they are currently filming the TV series ’24 Hours in A&E’ there.
Plus it’s never quite as uncomplicated as it is on paper, I’m horribly territorial about my home as well as my body, and to be quite honest?
For probably the first time in my life, I don’t want anyone inside me that I don’t trust and feel something for. Which is pretty unfortunate because I don’t actually trust anyone.
And in the meantime, this song is blaring in my ear mockingly, reminding me of my youth club days when myself and my other geeky friend danced and sang along to it, blissfully unaware of the sexual implications.
Ah, those were the days…
In the meantime my body keeps reminding me that whilst I may be done with sex, sex ain’t exactly done with me yet.
30/5 UPDATE – It happened AGAIN last night!
WTF IS HAPPENING WITH MY BODY?!!! Is this some menopausal ‘last chance saloon’ thing?!
OH GOD, MAKE IT STOP BEFORE I START DRY HUMPING INANIMATE OBJECTS!