Phoenix Fights

Fighting the FEAR, depression and BDP on a daily basis AND making my own bread. Bring it on 2016….


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EAR WORM No. 25 – The Pearls – GUILTY #BPD

Ah…just as well I love this innocent little song from back in the day, as it has been haunting me for what feels like forever…

If you, like me, were growing up in the ’70’s, chances are you remember this catchy British version of the original First Choice song.

Also, if you are BPD like me, you will have a long, complicated relationship with guilt and will have done so, probably most of your life.

Because, seemingly, like many kinds of abuse, one inadvertently ends up wielding the same stick that one was beaten so savagely with.

I was, suffice to say, made to feel guilty for most of my life, for, amongst other things, being selfish (for expecting to be treated like I mattered), for not helping in the home (when my sibling was not expect to do so), for asking for normal clothes instead of old ladies cast offs (so I wouldn’t get my head kicked in at school quite so often), for causing arguments (aka defending myself), fighting with my brother (who was older/bigger and ALWAYS struck the first blow), yada, yada…

This resulted in permanent paranoia, the inability to trust, the constant need to defend myself, prove my innocence and point out the real perpetrator.

Much good that did me, really.

It also made me afraid of ever admitting failure or fault, which isn’t great as everyone makes mistakes.  Even me 😉

But the most harmful side effect of this kind of abuse, is thinking that the reflex response of others is a good idea.

To be honest I didn’t even know I did it until recently.

Well, I knew I was very adept at defending myself, and felt more than entitled to do so, after all the shit I’ve had to endure to date, but the one thing I failed to realise is that no one likes to be proved wrong for all the world to see.

Even if they were wrong.

I’ve been let down many times by boyfriends, friends, family and work mates.  This is because I did that classic BDP thing of putting all my eggs in one basket when it came to making friends.

I would eschew building lots of different relationships with a cross section of different people, find the one who I thought was my soul mate per se, bonded with that person, told them everything, showed them everything, trusted them implicitly until that fateful day arrived that they dropped the ball and fucked me over, betrayed me, or even just let me down.

Most people are upset by betrayal. But most people have a whole back up team of other friends and family behind them, so they will usually shrug such behaviour off, forgive and probably keep that person in their life in some capacity.

Someone like me however would be absolutely devastated and incandescent with rage, and would then seek to expose this bitch/bastard for their rude/selfish/vicious behaviour so that the whole world would see how awful they were, and how hard done by I was, before dramatically kicking their friendship to the kerb.

Forever!

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I know.  Not very attractive behaviour, is it?

But the worst part is that when your anger dies down, and you put things in perspective, you realise that you’ve dumped all the good qualities of that person along with the bad.

Over the years, I evolved a little.  I didn’t always dump people forever, but I did still, very skilfully, very stealthily prove to them that they were pretty horrible people, that their behaviour sucked, that I would NEVER, have done it (whatever it may be) to them, that others in our circle/family now knew what they were really like, and that they should change ASAP if they wanted to keep good, loyal, innocent folk like my good self in their lives for the foreseeable future.

It didn’t always happen.

It didn’t always happen straight away.

But eventually a lot of these so called sinners extracted themselves from my life of their own volition, and I am no longer in touch with them.

Because no one likes to face harsh truths about themselves.

funny-canvas-empty-Bob-Ross

This was especially applicable when it came to my love life.

But they deserved it for making me feel shit about myself!

Didn’t they?

This kind of reaction, according to my shrink is ‘angry child’, a maladaptive coping mode that i reach for in order to avoid ‘vulnerable child’ the most painful state of being of all.

In other words, anger is my default, and unless I learn to feel what’s really going on for me, find away of comforting myself in that fug of unbearable, powerless pain, instead of reaching for my metaphorical uzi, I’m never going to be able to adapt to this world, and find my authentic self and my place in life.

And guess what coping mode we’re doing in group right now?!

Awful, awful, awful….but I must and will grit my teeth and work through it.

I hated and still hate people who play the guilt card; including myself.  But I’m trying to catch and make myself put down that weapon before doing irreparable damage to others, and inadvertantly, myself.

it’s not easy though, as I’m so very good at it.

Yes, like the song says I’m G-U-I-L-T – WHY, and housed in a prison of my own making.

But I’m working on my parole.  Honest.

Shit.  Why is life so fucking hard?

Namaste all x

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EAR WORM No. 17 VAMPIRE WEEKEND – DYING YOUNG

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OK, before anyone says it, I know it’s DIANE Young not Dying Young, but this is how I hear it so this is how I know it, and when it get into the ‘baby, baby, baby’s’ and the lead singer’s voice gets all distorted, it wheedles its way into my head like bath water, and kind of torments me a bit.

I don’t know what it means, I haven’t a clue who Diane Young is, but what it says to me is:

‘If dying young doesn’t bother you, well whatever, you go for it.’

And I guess it’s right.

I sort of love it AND hate it, and it won’t go away.

Not v Christmassy, but that’s what’s in my head right now…and very timely it is, given that this year/blog/theme is coming to an end and I still have to figure my shit out and form a plan of action for 2014.

Baby, baby, baby, baby right on time…..

EAR WORM No. 17 JAKE BUGG – Slumville Sunrise

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‘This place is just not for me
I say it all the time
My friends they just ignore me tell me never mind
Waiting all your life on a slumville sunrise’

This song has been on a loop in my  head for the last week, playing crazily in my ear at all hours of the day and night.

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Kids, if anyone offers you a roll of Axminster to sniff on the street, take my advice and JUST SAY NO!  Hideously toxic shit, and does not mix with anti depressants, booze or the odd beta blocker, or at least that what the blood on my pillow every morning tells me after a night of gnashing my teeth to powder.

Latest good/bad news, have been referred to a shrink later this month (hope my counsellor Aunty C doesn’t get jealous!), so clearly my journey into madness won’t be ending this year….

Still, that doesn’t mean I can slack off working at other stuff does it, so onwards and upwards into the silly season, oh gawd…..this should be interesting….

Time to unlock my jaw for the dawn of another day.

‘Shine away in the morning across this place I was born in

Every bruise every flower illuminated by the dawning”

Read more: Jake Bugg – Slumville Sunrise Lyrics | MetroLyrics

 

EAR WORM No. 15 ADELE – Hometown Glory

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You’d have to have been brought up by wolves not to know this song, but every now and then it pops by for a visit, climbs into my ear and fills my head with sweet sounds, perfectly crafted lyrics and production to die for and leaves me with a touch of mild melancholy.

Well not always so ‘mild’ but if I’m going to be depressed to music, this is more than worth it.

Simply beautiful.

Oh and that missing word that’s been edited out?

It’s shit.

SHIT.

So the line is ‘shows that we ain’t gonna stand shit’, so for anyone who hasn’t heard this song before, it should now make sense to you.

Fucking cuss police, give me a break….

EAR WORM No. 12 BILLY IDOL – Dancing with Myself

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Oh, Eight Legged Gemini http://sidesho37.wordpress.com/ how do I love thee? Let me count the ways…..

This earworm is dedicated to my blogging buddy/surrogate son ELG, because it is ‘im wot planted this bad boy in my ear ‘ole.

Wanna know why? Check out his answers to my Liebster questions in the blogpost below, in particular the answer to Q 8. 6a is a doozy too! https://sistasertraline.wordpress.com/2013/07/16/liebster-award-nomination-hullo-clouds-hullo-sky/

I fact read ’em all, they’re all really cool responses from some of my closest mates on here, and all of their blogs are well worth checking out.

Thanks again for responding guys!

As for the ear worm, I don’t mind it, as I love this song as it takes me back to that time when I was young, rebellious, skint and (kind of) hot.

In fact just listening to this makes me want to get up and dance.

Wanna see a 50 year old woman pogo? Well dream on biatches, dream on…..

Enjoy! x

EAR WORM No. 10 EMELI SANDE – Heaven

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I’ve had this song on my mind for a couple of days now, and I’ve been driving myself mad trying to figure out what it is.

All I knew lyrics wise was the line ‘then I’m gone’ which repeats and repeats and has been going round and round in my head, so given that I’m agitated enough today, I went on a lyric finder search engine so put it to bed once and for all, and it turned out to be this.

I don’t normally print the lyrics of my Ear Worms, but these are so fucking relevant, I had to.

Waking with good intentions is one thing; following them through, quite another….

Amazing track, dedicated to fellow earth dwellers who, like me, fall by the wayside only too often x

HEAVEN

Will you recognize me in the flashing lights
I try to keep my heart clean, but I can’t get it right
Will you recognize me, when I’m lying on my back
Somethings gone inside me, and I can’t get it back

Oh heaven, oh heaven, I wake with good intentions,
But the day it always lasts too long
Then I’m gone!
Oh heaven, oh heaven, I wake with good intentions,
But the day it always lasts too long
Then I’m gone, then I’m gone, then I’m gone, then I’m gone
Then I’m gone, then I’m gone, then I’m gone, then I’m gone

Will you recognize me, when I’m stealing from the poor
You’re not gonna like me, I’m nothing like before
Will you recognize me, when I lose another friend?
Will you learn to leave me, or give me one more try again

Oh heaven, oh heaven, I wake with good intentions,
But the day it always lasts too long
Then I’m gone!
Oh heaven, oh heaven, I wake with good intentions,
But the day it always lasts too long
Then I’m gone, then I’m gone, then I’m gone, then I’m gone
Then I’m gone, then I’m gone, then I’m gone, then I’m gone

Oh heaven, oh heaven, I wake with good intentions,
Oh heaven, oh heaven, I wake with good intentions,
Oh heaven, oh heaven, I wake with good intentions,
You say that you’re away, I try but always break
Cause the day always lasts too long
Then I’m gone, then I’m gone, then I’m gone, then I’m gone
Then I’m gone, then I’m gone, then I’m gone
Then I’m gone, then I’m gone, then I’m gone, then I’m gone
Then I’m gone, then I’m gone, then I’m gone, then I’m gone

PITY PARTY TRACK 13 – SKID ROW Little Shop of Horrors

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It was kind of difficult to categorise this song really, but it’s being posted as a Pity Party track as I’m feeling a bit sorry for myself today, though even I have to admit, Sarf London ain’t quite as bad as this…. 😉

It is definitely an ‘Ear Worm’ as it’s been stuck in my head since I included one of Seymour’s lines from it in yesterday’s post….

But every time I hear it, my spirit soars, so it’s also kind of Optimistic too really….

Anyway let it be whatever it is to you and enjoy!

God, I would give my right arm/leg/anything to have pipes like the lady that opens this number.

Go on, girl, ‘Sing it child…’!